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Few bands go hand in hand, or hand in ear, with the sports world quite like Metallica. From Mariano Rivera charging out of the bullpen to Enter Sandman, to the fact the band's music is constantly featured in hard-hitting highlight reels, it's pretty much impossible to be a sports fan without bumping into these metal legends on a regular basis. And it's easy to see why.
Metallica play loud and aggressive music that's not too loud and aggressive for mass consumption. Stepping up to the plate to For Whom the Bell Tolls or Seek and Destroy gives off a vibe that's both menacing and cool. Stepping up to the plate to something loud, aggressive and less tuneful by say, Napalm Death would just make a hitter seem like a psycho.
So with Metallica's new album, Death Magnetic, coming out, the band is unleashing 10 more songs that will soon be played in sports arena or on a TV broadcast near you. How exactly will these songs fit into the sports landscape? Here are my best guesses.
Track 1: That Was Just Your Life
This one's almost too easy. Starting off with the sound of a heartbeat and classically ominous Metallica guitars, it's almost impossible to hear the beginning of this song without picturing a bunch of linemen gearing up to butt heads on Monday Night Football. Perhaps it'll pop up when the band's hometown 49ers take on the Cardinals on Nov. 10. If so, it'll possibly be the most entertaining part of the evening.
Track 2: The End of the Line
Hey, NASCAR program directors: Looking for a crunchy guitar workout that sounds like Sad But True played at 200 mph? Then here's your jam. What's that? Not sure if the lyrics will fit? How does a chorus that includes the lines "New consequence machine, burn through all your gasoline" and "Never mind, you reached the end of the line" sound? Thought that might work.
Track 3: Broken, Beat & Scarred
Any song that begins with James Hetfield screaming, "You rise, you fall, you're down, then you rise again/What don't kill you make you more strong," over a chugging metal riff is pretty much guaranteed to appear during the intro of a big UFC bout. And don't forget the chorus: "Breaking your teeth on the hard life coming/Show your scars ... Breaking your life, broken beat and scarred/But we die hard!" Wow, it's practically impossible to read that without imagining a brutalized ear barely hanging on to a fighter's head.
Track 4: The Day That Never Comes
It's first half is a Xerox of Fade to Black, Metallica's classic suicide anthem, while the second half is a Xerox of One, their song about an armless, legless, mute soldier. Plus it's called The Day That Never Comes. In other words, it's the perfect soundtrack for every TV piece about the Cubs getting bounced from the playoffs next month.
Track 5: All Nightmare Long
Calling Jonathan Broxton, Chris Perez, and every other young flamethrowing closer: Want your own Enter Sandman? Here you go. All Nightmare Long kicks off with your usual mysterious Metallica riff, and then takes all of 16 seconds to start upping the volume. Twenty seconds later we're into thrashland, and opposing hitters will be pooping their pants all the way back to the dugout. In a related story, this song kinda rules.
Track 6: Cyanide
Speaking of baseball, the opening of this throwback to Metallica's grungier mid-'90s output will no doubt pop up as someone's at-bat music one of these days. Hell, if Mets pitcher John Maine and his .093 career batting average can step up to the plate to these metal legends, who can't?
Side note: At one point in this song, metal god Hetfield actually sings, "Say is that rain, or are they tears?" Indeed, the "Metal up your @$$" days are long gone.
Track 7: The Unforgiven III
The beginning sounds kind of piano recitally before it picks up and sounds shockingly similar to the two other songs it shares a name with. As for a sports use, it would sound right at home during an HBO Sports piece about John Daly's personal issues. You know, much like The Unforgiven and The Unforgiven II did back in the day.
Track 8: The Judas Kiss
This CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA anthem is the most Beavis and Butt-head ready track of the bunch. Therefore it's the perfect blast of adrenaline a high school football or wrestling team needs to get ready for battle. Plus, it's about demons. Sure, they're personal demons, but what high school kid doesn't dig demons?
Track 9: Suicide & Redemption
Massive hockey hits! Insane car crashes! Brutal karate kicks! One way or another, this never-ending instrumental blast of ear violation will end up as the intro music for a video game. Well, a sports video game, anyway. Starting today you can also buy every song on Death Magnetic for use in Guitar Hero III. So in other words, if you like the band and want to play along, you need to purchase the album twice. Way to put the fans first, guys.
Track 10: My Apocalypse
Well, nine guesses are good enough for me. This fierce album closer isn't just the shortest tune on Death Magnetic, it's also the loudest, fastest, and Slayerest of the bunch. And the only time Slayer comes into play in the sports world is when fans need something to listen to after a crushing defeat. I guess you could throw this song on, if say, your team's star quarterback suffers a season-ending injury in Week 1, but why bother? When life calls for Slayer, accept no substitute.
