Quick: Why is Green Bay's football team called the Packers?
Unless you're a fan of the team, you probably don't know. Even if you do know, how long would it take you to explain the origins of the name to a casual fan? And when you're finished, what are the chances that person says, "Man, that's a stupid name for a team"?
Better than average, I'd say.
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More than any other sport, professional football can trace its popularity to team names, logos and colors. I mean, we all know Raiders fans who liked the team simply because of its team colors and logo, right? But how many Red Sox fans started liking the team because of the "B" on its cap?
Teams like the Raiders have almost perfect brand cohesion: Their name, logo and colors help contribute to an overall team image, and it's ideal save for one thing: The lack of piratical history in the San Francisco Bay area.
Still, the organization and its fans should take pride in the team's overall brand, which is straightforward and simple. After all, the Raiders are not like the Browns, a team whose public face is a public mess -- and not simply because they usually suck.
Going team by team, I considered the overall brand of every NFL organization, and then ranked them.
This isn't about which team is the best at marketing its image. And it's not about the sales of team merchandise, because everyone understands that winning and tradition (Patriots, Cowboys, Bears) always set the market.
This is about which teams have names, colors and helmets that complement each other (the Chiefs). And which teams have names, colors and helmets that contradict each other (the Browns).
Mostly, however, it's about the NFL -- with random asides and a complete disregard for scientific method.
Some teams are in perfect cohesion, so we'll put them in the Top Shelf Scotch division. Some teams are nearly perfect, but slightly off, so we'll put them in the Anna Paquin division. Some teams have cool names and cool logos, but the façade crumbles when you analyze the entire package too closely, so we'll put them in the Entourage division.
And finally, some teams are a complete mess, with no cohesion whatsoever, so we'll put them in the Coors Light Commercials division.
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The Top Shelf Scotch division
Dolphins: A perfect mascot for Miami, where people love to fish for dolphin. The aquamarine colors are a nice complement as well.
Steelers: U.S. Steel has its roots in Pittsburgh. The team borrowed the Steelmark logo for its helmet, changed "Steel" to "Steelers," and adopted the colors (black and yellow) of the Pittsburgh city flag. Meanwhile, Steely McBeam never happened. You hear me? Never freaking happened.
Ravens: I have to give high marks to Baltimore for naming its football team in honor of Edgar Allan Poe and his well-known poem, The Raven. Moreover, this majestic bird has a hint of purple in its metallic plumage, so that's some good looking out in terms of team logo and colors.
Chiefs: No doubt some Indians roamed the plains of Kansas back in the day, and those Indians had chiefs. So far, so good. The team's classic red and white colors haven't changed throughout five decades of play, and when you add in the helmet -– "KC" written across a white arrowhead -– and the name of the home park, Arrowhead Stadium, you get perfect cohesion.
Eagles: During the colonial era, when the Founding Fathers were setting down the nation's principles, they also chose symbols for the fledgling country. And if Benjamin Franklin had had his way, the nation's bird would have been the turkey, not the bald eagle. If that had come to pass, Philly fans would probably be living and dying in support of the Turks, not the Iggles. Either way, naming the football team after the nation's bird makes perfect sense in the City of Brotherly Love.
Cowboys: Look away, fans of the other NFC East teams, but Dallas probably has the most cohesive image in the NFL, and it's something they've had since the team's inception. Texas has long been known for its cowboys, and the helmet logo is a simple, classic emblem of the Lone Star State. BTW, that "America's Team" baloney was the birth child of Bob Ryan, editor-in-chief of NFL Films and a lifelong Cowboys fan. If he'd been a Cardinals fan, the Buzzsaw might be known as America's Team.
Or not.
Seahawks: Cool name, cool helmet, cool colors, no wideouts.
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The Anna Paquin division
Patriots: Count me among the people who thought Pat the Patriot was a cool logo -- or, at any rate, better than the Flying Elvis now emblazoned on the team's bland grey helmet. (Doesn't their helmet look like it's made of plastic? It resembles something you wore in third grade while playing against your buddies in the backyard.) Still, the team's OTHER colors are red, white and blue, and that matches perfectly with the team's colonial theme. If they reverted back to the Pat the Patriot logo (on a big-boy helmet), they'd be Top Shelf Scotch.
Texans: First off, everyone who lives and works in Houston is, by definition, a Texan, so these owners aren't dummies. And the Texans' helmet -- a steer's head with a lone star -– is very respectful.
Raiders: We all knew punks in grammar school who became fans of the Raiders because of their colors, helmet logo and outlaw reputation. If Al Davis ever moves his pirate-themed team to, say, the Caribbean, these guys would rank alongside the Chiefs and Cowboys.
Broncos: Bucking broncs are definitely associated with Colorado. But their striped jerseys look like they were inspired by NFL Europe. And that horse on the helmet looks like a nag in need of a good meal. Raider fans will tell you John Elway resembled a horse, so the franchise probably had better synchronicity during the Super Bowl years.
Vikings: Grown men -- be it players or fans -- don't look good in purple. In fact, the only people who've been able to pull it off in the past 50 years were Prince, Liberace and Michael Irvin. But back in the days of the real Vikings (Leif Ericson, Eric the Red, that set), purple was the color of royalty, which is why Crown Royal comes in a sleek purple pouch. Minnesota is filled with Norse descendants, so the team name is certainly apt. Moreover, the horn logo is a nice nod to traditional Viking headgear. Really, everything's in sync here -- except for the fact that only kings and women look right in purple.
Buccaneers: For many years this team had questionable direction, what with that swishy orange pirate on the helmet and the organization's long history of sucking. But then they went and replaced the sherbet-colored knife-biter with a raggedy pirate flag and emblazoned that standard with crossed swords and a skull. Now Tampa Bay, with its viable connection to Caribbean piracy, is moving on up. Too bad they still have wienie colors.
Niners: With the name and team colors, San Fran pays homage to the gold-rush miners of 1849, many of whom bloodied each other in the sinful pursuit of worldly success. But the helmet logo is a little staid. Classic, yes; but rather boring.
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The Entourage division
Bills: Buffalo takes its name from Buffalo Bill Cody, the famous gunslinger. He had no special connection to the city, but he had the name recognition, so that's why "Bills" was chosen. If France ever takes to American football, I guess we can expect the Paris Hiltons.
Bengals: The Bengals have the coolest helmets in the NFL. Too bad they're matched with stripper pants. When I think of Cincinnati, I think of Larry Flynt and Johnny Fever, so maybe the football team should be called the Fever Flynts. But keep the helmets, those are cool.
Colts: In Baltimore, the team came by its name through one of those fan contests. Then the Irsays slunk away under the cover of darkness and moved the team to Indianapolis in 1984. Frankly, I like their blue-and-white uniforms, as well as their horseshoe logo. But they're basically on par with the Bengals: What do horses have to do with Indianapolis?
Titans: The team's helmet has led some to call them The Flaming Thumbtacks, but you know how the team got its name? The city has a number of colleges and a replica of the Parthenon, so people started calling Nashville the Athens of the South; and in honor of Greek mythology, the football team became the Titans. If someone had built a replica of the Great Pyramid, the team would be called the Pharoahs. No matter, the Vanderbilt Commodores are first in the hearts of football fans in Nash Vegas.
Chargers: The team's powder blue uniforms are pretty sweet, and their thunderbolt helmet is nice too. But the team name was chosen from a list of fan submissions back in the early 1960s, when the team first played in Los Angeles. What do chargers (war horses) and thunderbolts have to do with L.A.? About as much as they have to do with San Diego, which is to say, nothing.
Giants: Remember when the team helmet had "Giants" underlined? Apparently that wasn't fancy enough for its cosmopolitan fan base, so the team reverted to a form of the "NY" logo used during the 1960s and '70s, in which the underline swoops off the "Y" in some sort of poetic flourish. The team is still officially known as The New York Football Giants, even though the baseball version (which came first) moved to San Francisco 50 years ago. Images of Paul Bunyan or other well-known giants are not used in connection with the organization. They play in a stadium named for the team, but that stadium is in New Jersey. Might as well be called The Jints. Officially.
Saints: In grammar school I owned an NFL lunchbox, covered on both sides with the helmets of every team. The Saints' helmet -- with its spear-looking thingamagiggy -- was one of the first to catch my eye. My father explained to me that that symbol was called a "fleur-de-lis." I asked him what that was, and he said, "Never mind, it's a French thing."
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The Coors Light Commercials division
Jets: What, only people in New York like to fly? Their logo -– a football + "NY" + "Jets" + a second, smaller football -– looks like it was thrown together from an art class starter kit. Oh, and they play in Giants Stadium.
Browns: A team named after its egotistical founder (Paul Brown) is relocated to Baltimore, where the new team (the Ravens) do two things the Browns never did -- go to a Super Bowl and win a Super Bowl. Nevertheless, the NFL soon rewards Cleveland with another team ... and the people in Cleveland decide to call it the Browns again, even though Paul Brown is now dead and presumably doesn't care. The team also resumes wearing its diarrhea-inspired uniforms and, aptly enough, resumes playing like crap.
Jaguars: Ever seen a jaguar with a teal-colored tongue? If you have, it's probably because it has just gnawed the arm off your teal Jacksonville Jaguar jersey. You know who looks good in teal? Me neither. Still, at least jaguars are indigenous to Florida ...
Redskins: I haven't seen an Indian mascot at many Washington games lately, so the team really needs to get back to its roots and insult more Native Americans. My history might be a little hazy, but did redskins run the nation's capital in the early 20th century? Nothing here makes sense, including their condiment colors.
Packers: If it takes more than five seconds to explain why a football team has a certain name, well, it's just not simple enough for mass consumption. Here's the explanation for the Packers from Wikipedia: "Curly Lambeau, the team's founder, solicited funds for uniforms from his employer, the Indian Packing Company. He was given $500 for uniforms and equipment, on condition that the team be named for its sponsor. An early newspaper article referred to the new Green Bay team as 'the Indians,' but by the time they played their first game they had adopted the name 'Packers.'"
See, now THIS team should be called the Redskins.
Bears: I haven't been to the Windy City in nearly a decade, so it's possible the bear population has once again overtaken the outlying suburbs. While I love the team's colors, the "C" on their helmet looks too similar to the "C" on the Cincinnati Reds' hat, including that little jut on the left.
Lions: Why have the Lions never played in a Super Bowl? Maybe because of their silly helmet logo. Ooh, please don't hurt me, Mr. Blue Lion.
Panthers: "Well, we've narrowed the choices down to Cougars, Tigers, Bobcats, Lions, Wildcats and Panthers." The next team or school that chooses any of these names deserves to be cursed with Haitian voodoo.
Falcons: When I was kid, I liked to draw, and one of my favorite objects was NFL helmets. Any halfwit can sketch a plain old helmet, but it takes a modicum of skill to put that helmet on the Miami dolphin, or to draw the Atlanta falcon without making it look like a geisha's hand fan. I, for one, had no modicum.
Rams: Most ram horns are, in fact, off-white or beige, and I've definitely never seen a ram with yellow horns -- at least not in L.A. or St. Louis. Like other teams that relocated (Cardinals, Colts), this team could have benefited from a name change.
Cardinals: Remember a few years ago when the Cardinals altered their helmet logo to make the bird look more fierce? Yeah, that was cute. But really, did the team need to keep its name when it moved out west? Even the Ravens had the good sense to leave their stupid name back in Cleveland. Or, rather, Cleveland wanted to keep the Browns name and history alive ... for all those 80-year-olds who remember the team's glory years.
By the way, did I mention I'm a Steelers fan?
Cam Martin also writes for Bugs&Cranks and Comcast SportsNet New England. E-mail him at cdavidmartin@yahoo.com
