| ||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||||
As a loyal employee under the almighty, all-seeing, all-knowing CBS eye, I feel that it is my right and duty to address any issues I might be able to help with.
As the SPiN producer, I can only do so much, however. Primarily, I can simply add my two cents and hope to be heard.
In the case of Kimbo Slice, I hope that my suggestions can help rejuvenate an interest some have called dead.
After falling to last-minute replacement Seth Petruzelli in just 14 seconds, Slice's allure and air of invincibility seemingly ceased to exist.
More importantly, to fans of mixed-martial arts, the legitimacy and long-term appeal of their sport took a major hit.
In fact, some people have questioned whether or not event coordinators all but asked Petruzelli to sacrifice himself to Kimbo.
While this is purely speculation, it clearly didn't work either way, and both MMA and -- sadly -- CBS also received a bit of a black eye.
Around the entire sports talk world everyone was quick to usher the Kimbo era out the door, with no intentions of ever falling for it again.
But if there's one thing we love as much as meltdowns and embarrassing collapses, it's comebacks. Like the amazing return to upper-white trash by Britney or the triumphant vindication of R. Kelly, Kimbo Slice can once again be relevant if he chooses the right opponent -- and that's where I come in.
I've carefully gathered 10 possible opponents, each with high entertainment value, no matter how closely they might matchup. After all, if Kimbo got knocked out by this guy, there's no opponent too outlandish. In no particular order, here are the 10 best opponents to revitalize Kimbo's career.
 |
No. 1: Sasquatch from Jack Link's commercials: Perhaps the most even matchup of the bunch, Slice and Sasquatch would be the pay-per-view event of the millennium. Sasquatch has a clear advantage in height, weight and reach, but Kimbo has more hair on his body which could help him slip out of the giant's grasp.
 |
No. 2: Kim Kardashian: Booted from Dancing with the Stars far too early, Kardashian would be more than willing to take on Kimbo for the television exposure alone. Getting Reggie Bush to sign on could be tough, but if Kimbo agrees to do no harm to her signature rear end I'm sure he'd be sitting front row.
 |
No. 3: David Blaine: Magician/scam-artist David Blaine earned a spot in the ring after his enormously anti-climactic "dive of death." Blaine took a couple Kimbo punches to the gut during the embarrassing ABC special, which inevitably proved far more dangerous than his "stunt." The only thing worse than his stunt was the fake excitement the ABC announcer feigned after the "fall."
 |
No. 4: Megan from I Love Money and Beauty and the Geek : After winning Beauty and the Geek: Season 3, Megan immediately entered the reality TV bubble and almost nothing will keep her off another show. Megan would obviously sport her signature bikini during the fight, and there are no guarantees as to how long Kimbo would take before he stops staring at her perfect 5-foot-10 frame before even throwing a punch.
 |
No. 5: Danny Bonaduce: There are so many reasons I'd love to see this fight, the least of which is to see Kimbo kill a member of the Partridge Family on live TV. Fight coordinators would clearly have to relax their steroid testing procedures, but watching Kimbo and a red-headed, loud-mouthed, 'roid-raging douchebag go head-to-head would be entertainment at its purest form.
 |
No. 6: Pink: Whatever her current hair color doesn't really matter. Knocking out Pink would give Kimbo some much needed confidence and could help him get over his new-found fear of brightly colored hair dye. Unfortunately for Kimbo, there's a chance Pink has more natural testosterone running through her veins than Petruzelli.
 |
No. 7: Hulk Hogan: Sitting ringside for Kimbo's embarrassing loss, Hogan certainly won't be fearful of entering the octagon. And with his ex-wife's eyes set squarely on Hulkamania's bank account, any payday is a good day for the Hulkster. More so, Hogan can't be the second-biggest television star in his family, so he has to be waiting by the phone for this call.
 |
No. 8: ZZ Top: Kimbo's embarrassing loss did for beards what Ashton Kutcher did for trucker hats. Even the most burly truck driver looks like a douche when sporting the ol' John Deere cap with the fish-net back. Now it's up to Greg Oden to officially keep the beard from being totally punk'd.
 |
No. 9: Adam Jones: After a brief stint in the wrestling ring, Adam (don't call him Pacman) Jones could easily be convinced to take on Kimbo. It's only a matter of time before Jones' urge to make it rain at a strip club takes hold, so this could be a real possibility very soon. If Jones stays out of trouble and on the field, Terrell Owens could sign-on just to keep himself squarely in the spotlight.
 |
No. 10: Josh Howard: We'll skip the national anthem to keep Howard from hearing his least favorite song and getting him all upset. With the extra time before the fight, however, Howard will walk between two lines of Army veterans wielding Wiffle Ball bats filled with sand before entering the ring.
