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I am downright giddy about Sunday's Detroit Lions at Houston Texans game.
Let's celebrate the spectacular crapnastitude of what's about to come.
You can smell it from here, can't you? The Texans are 1-4 and only enjoy that much success because they beat Miami with a touchdown on a quarterback keeper with 3 seconds left. The Lions are 0-5 ... well, because they've only played five games. We have to wait for them to play all 16 before we find out if they're worthy of going 0-fer-'08.
My purpose here is not so much to embarrass Houston's organization as to humiliate the Detroit Lions. And that should be about as hard as finding an empty seat in the fourth quarter at Ford Field.
Try this fascinating stat on for size. It proves Houston is the superior 21st century franchise.
Did you know: Since 2001, the expansion Houston Texans have won more games than the Detroit Lions.
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| Unlike every draft pick Matt Millen ever made, the Texans got it right with Super Mario. (Getty Images) |
Why is the '2001' part of that equation significant?
Because the Houston Texans DID NOT FREAKIN' EXIST until 2002.
That's right. Give Detroit a 16-game head start -- not to mention having an institutional knowledge that dates to 1934 -- and over an eight-year period they have failed to win as many games as an expansion franchise.
Just so you can check my math, here are the Texans' seven wins totals since 2002: 4+5+7+2+6+8+1=33.
Detroit's eight win totals since 2001: 2+3+5+6+5+3+7+0=31.
Keep in mind, Sunday is a revenge game of sorts. In their only previous on-field meeting, Detroit destroyed Houston 28-16. In Week 2 of the 2004 season in Detroit, Joey Harrington threw for three touchdowns. Look for highlights on the upcoming NFL Films DVD: Games That Have No Historical Significance Whatsoever.
The Texans are an 8.5-point favorite as I type this. Yes, the gambling experts say a team that has won one game by one point is going to run up the score on the Lions.
I'm going to predict a final of Texans 34, Lions 31. It just seems appropriate.
Someone call a doctor for Detroit
Not that things have been uneventful in the Motor City. The season has already seen the end of the disastrous reign of general manager Matt Millen. He has been in charge of the team since -- surprise! -- 2001. Here's hoping the Lions someday have a G.M. who has no familiarity whatsoever with the Millen Doctrine. Then again, Matt Millen probably would have to get back to you about what the Matt Millen Doctrine is.
And they've been studying much more than game film at team headquarters. In September, security tapes show that recently released running back Tatum Bell walked off with the Gucci luggage of new running back Rudi Johnson.
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| The NFL is still deciding whether or not to send cameras to tape Sunday's game in Houston. (Getty Images) |
Detroit has given up 22 sacks, second only to San Francisco. This should be a great opportunity for defensive end Mario Williams to add to his team-leading total of six -- which is six more sacks than Reggie Bush has this year, you've got to admit.
And best of all, wide receiver Roy Williams has been traded to Dallas for draft picks.
When you've got the league's 24th-ranked passing game (175.0 ypg), it's time to realize there's nowhere to go but backward, so you might as well cut your losses.
Here's something funny that shows how on the ball they are in Detroit. They still haven't hidden on their website their Roy Williams fan section (linked as Roy, Roy, Roy!).
The site features weekly pregame interviews with Williams. And it's interesting that in the lead-up to the Red River Rivalry, the site asked in a story posted Oct. 10 Williams how much he misses following his native Texas:
"I wish whoever sets the schedule would set our bye week for Week 6 every year. If they could do that, I can get down to the game. ... It's bragging rights and nobody talks big about their schools like me. Maybe Dan Orlovsky with UConn, but they don't count. Bragging right (sic) for me: I've got to have it."
We also learn that Dan Orlovsky, DDS, was at that point winning his Fantasy football league among Detroit Lions players:
"The game of the week this week is: Slappin' Fools, who is George Foster, against The Shelton Huskies, who is Dan Orlovsky. Dan Orlovsky is undefeated at 5-0; Slappin' Fools are 4-1. So it's the game of the week.
Isn't it thrilling to know that even though the real team that they're paid princely sums to play their hearts out for is winless, they can find solace in their Fantasy leagues?
It's like they're saying, "Let's enjoy our fantasy teams, where the outcomes are completely dictated by chance. Because we have no control whatsoever over our performance on the football field!"
My head is about to split open.
A cheer-worthy addition
Here's the biggest reason Houston rocks Detroit's city: The Texans have cheerleaders. The Lions do not.
And I don't mean as in the Detroit Lions cheerleaders are not making the trip. Detroit does not have a cheer squad. Period.
I'm sure if the Ford family wanted to, they could hire off-duty strippers from Windsor. But they've got nothing.
Meanwhile, the Houston cheerleader website is state of the art.
It's so interactive that on each bio page you have your choice of clicking on a "dance" animation of said cheerleader or a "360 View."
I guess we're only two or three steps away from being able to download a cheerleader to your laptop, if you know what I mean.
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| Things have gotten so bad in Detroit that coaches routinely practice stabbing themselves to death. (Getty Images) |
Here's how you can tell the sisters apart: One's favorite movie series are the Rocky movies; the other is a fan of Spider-Man flicks. Because it's important to know which cheerleaders are instantly compatible with your DVD collection.
Game on
So if you get the chance, enjoy Sunday's footnote in the annals of NFL competition. This is a must-win game for Houston. Someone has to be shame-faced at the end of this, and it can't be Sage Rosenfels for blowing another 17-point lead in the final minutes.
Who knows. Some day ... and that day might never come ... the Lions could meet the Texans in the Super Bowl.
Rest assured, it would be the Super Bowl that's played in 15-degree weather in Toronto and ends in a final score of 2-0.
But right now, bet on the Texans getting to the Super Bowl first. They are obviously built for success.
You can see it in a 360-degree full view.
