I'm writing this column for two reasons.
Reason No. 1: For the second time in the last year-and-a-half, a reader has requested I write about a specific topic. In this case, it's Ryan Becker (aka beckerrt), who wanted a track-by-track, sports-themed review of Guns N' Roses' Chinese Democracy, similar to what I did with Metallica's Death Magnetic in September.
Reason No. 2: Any chance I have to write about not only one of my favorite bands, but a band who's popularity peaked nearly 20 years ago, and turn it into back-to-back columns for one of the largest sports websites on the Internet, well, that's a chance I'm not gonna pass up.
The only catch is that this week I'll have to change things up a little bit. Whereas I described the songs on Death Magnetic by placing them in the sports context in which you were most likely to hear them, I'll have to take a different route with Chinese Democracy. Axl's long-delayed opus isn't exactly packed with tunes they'll be blaring at your local sports complex to get the crowd fired up.
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| Whether he is a Rice fan or simply trying to hide a beer belly, Axl's fat phase was accompanied by a strange new hair-do. (Getty Images) |
They're too textured, too complex and too weird. In other words, they're more like Axl than they are like Slash and Izzy and Duff and Stephen. Which makes a lot of sense since none of those guys have been in the band since the mid-'90s.
So instead of writing about the sports context of these songs, I figured it made more sense to choose the athlete or sports figure who might have inspired Axl to write each track. After all, we know Axl likes sports. Or, at the very least he liked wearing oversized Jerry Rice jerseys during his fat phase.
But even this proved slightly difficult, as nearly every song on Chinese Democracy is about alienating an entire band, being counted out, plotting your revenge by making a great album, and then releasing that album. In other words, these songs don't have much of a connection to say, Tiger Woods.
But hey, like one of Axl's big-haired rivals back in the day once said, "We'll give it a shot."
Track 1: Chinese Democracy
Axl's sportspiration: Shaquille O'Neal
If any of these songs are fit for sports arena consumption, it's this one. Sure, it might take a while to get going, but once it kicks in, Chinese Democracy sounds not unlike a Jetsons version of Welcome to the Jungle. And why Shaq? Because it's big and mean, and (like most songs on the album, actually) could be about Shaq breaking free from Kobe and Phil. Or, between the title and tipping off with Axl singing "It don't really matter/Gonna find out for yourself," it could be about the Diesel's initial war of words with Yao.
Track 2: Shackler's Revenge
Axl's sportspiration: Kerry Collins
For a guy who has been released a number of times, gone to rehab, and had not one, but two racial incidents with teammates, Collins comes off as too much of a ho-hum bumpkin. Forget his possible country album, here's Axl's scratchy guitar ode to what's currently spinning around in the Titans QB's head.
Track 3: Better
Axl's sportspiration: Ron Artest
The first great song on the album, most of Better sounds unlike anything Axl's ever done. It's big and loud, but not fast or aggressive at all. It's basically an evil Def Leppard song. And the lyrics, "Replay the part/You stole my heart/I should have known you're crazy," "So bittersweet, this tragedy, won't ask for absolution" and "I never wanted you to be so full of anger/I never wanted you to be somebody else" sound like Axl dealing with a case of split personality disorder. Or, writing a paean to Ron Artest.
Track 4: Street of Dreams
Axl's sportspiration: The Williams Sisters
Formerly known as The Blues, Street of Dreams lets Axl show off his Elton John side. Think of it as a compact version of Estranged, and had this song come out in 1994, they definitely would have played it at my senior prom. Anyway, as the chorus goes, "I don't know just what I should do/Everywhere I go I see you/Though it's what you planned ... Don't live inside you anymore," it could be about someone being conflicted about the success someone else had in mind for them. Serena and Venus? Sure, why not.
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| A-Rod has closer connections to another 90's pop star, but Ben Heller thinks A-Rod inspires Axl, too. (Getty Images) |
Axl's sportspiration: Alex Rodriguez
This weird little song starts off with some Middle Eastern guitar picking before picking up a little bit of steam and resembling a nastier version of Duran Duran's '90s comeback hits. And I mean that in the best possible way. As for the lyrics, again we're in regretland -- only this time ("I never knew the way you looked at me would mean so much to me ... and now they've got the best of me"), it sounds like someone who left a place they were liked a lot, and now find themselves unpopular in new surroundings.
Track 6: There Was a Time
Axl's sportspiration: Todd Marinovich
Any song that kicks off with "Broken glass and cigarettes/Writin' on the wall/I was a bargain for the summer/And I thought I had it all," is definitely about screwing up a big opportunity. And why not make it about the failed next big thing for Axl's favorite team? Plus this song has been floating around the Internet since the time Marinovich was in the NFL, so it could definitely have been written while he was still in the news.
Track 7: Catcher in the Rye
Axl's sportspiration: Mike Piazza
This song has little to do with the former catcher, but the title, its awesomeness and the fact that Piazza was responsible for one of the first leaks of a Chinese Democracy song means he could have inspired this soaring album highlight.
Track 8: Scraped
Axl's sportspiration: Scott Boras
With the rest of the original Guns N' Roses, this chugging rocker could have been 10 times better. But without Slash and Co. it comes off as a little bit forced. As for Boras, not only does Axl sing, "I'm here to tell you you're worth more than they tell you," but the song's pretty obnoxious.
Track 9: Riad N' The Bedouins
Axl's sportspiration: Bill Belichick
Belichick might prefer Bon Jovi, but you know he was a G'N'R fan back in the day. Whether he'd like this solid, sleazy rocker, who knows? But the lyrics, "Riad N' The Bedouins/Had a plan and thought they'd win" might strike a chord.
Track 10: Sorry
Axl's sportspiration: Latrell Sprewell
"You like to have me jump and be good/But I don't want to do it/You don't know why I won't act the way you think I should." Yup, sounds like someone about to choke their basketball coach. Can't see Spree digging the atmospheric, '80s-style Pink Floyd sound, but hey, the sentiment is there.
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Track 11: I.R.S
Axl's sportspiration: The Mitchell Report
This badass rocker has been stripped of the extra hip-hop beats it had when Piazza played it on the radio in 2003, and is all the better for it. As for the Mitchell Report, check out the chorus: "Gonna call the President/Gonna call myself a private eye/Gonna get the I.R.S/Gonna get the F.B.I/Gonna make this a federal case/Gonna wave it right down in your face/Read it baby with your morning news."
Track 12: Madagascar
Axl's sportspiration: Barry Bonds
Sticking with the Mitchell Report theme, this pensive song that Axl premiered at the 2002 MTV awards would suit Bonds perfectly: "I won't be told anymore that I've been brought down in this storm/And left so far out from the shore/But I can't find my way back my way anymore." The song itself is pretty great, and finally answers the age -ld question, "What would it sound like if Portishead recorded a song with Bob Seger and loaded it up with samples from Cool Hand Luke and Martin Luther King's I Have a Dream speech?"
Track 13: This I Love
Axl's sportspiration: N/A
This syrupy ballad has about as much to do with sports as a movie about teenage vampires. And I imagine it's about as good.
Track 14: Prostitute
Axl's sportspiration: Any current pro athlete around Axl's age
The final song on Chinese Democracy is overly dramatic from its title down to its familiar-sounding combo of piano, strings and crunchy guitars. It's also one of the most personal songs, as Axl is seemingly singing about people who want him to give up while he's got more to give. Sample lyric: "Why would they tell me to please those who laugh in my face?" And from Brett Favre to Jamie Moyer, some of the jocks out there old enough to fondly remember when Guns N' Roses ruled the world would likely agree with this sentiment.
