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This year's NCAA men's basketball tournament has been a bust in terms of games that leave indelible images. But I can draw up at least one interesting diversion to talk about.
Which would you rather see -- a 64-field bracket competition to determine the best player tattoo ... or someone who actually has this year's entire NCAA bracket tattooed on his back?
This year's game action has been forcing me to flip the remote. But in the games I do watch, I'm mesmerized by the tattoos.
The typical starting five of today seems more suited to be commemorated in an art museum than a hall of fame.
Players don't stick around campus long enough to write extensive chapters in their program's lore, but at least their tattoos tell an interesting life story:
"This one's for my grandma, rest her soul ... this one's for my brother who's in prison ... this one's for my baby, whose mama I met at a tattoo parlor ... this one is for my cousin who was shot when a fight broke out while waiting in line for a tattoo ... this one I got on buy-one-get-one-free Tattoo Appreciation Day ..."
But that's the trend for most students these days. It used to be the only tattoos you saw on college kids came from the branding ceremony at the end of a fraternity's Hell Week. Now it seems an appointment at the tattoo studio is part of the checklist for freshman orientation.
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It sticks out on the college basketball players because they're the ones running around sleeveless on national TV.
Show me any college student demographic that runs around half-naked, and I'll show you a gallery of body art.
Oh, wait. That doesn't seem to explain why I've yet to see so much as an inkblot on any cheerleader ever.
How is that possible? In an age where it's probably a rebellious personal statement not to have a visible tattoo, squad after squad advertises itself as a collection of anonymous blank slates.
I did a Google search on the phrase "cheerleaders visible tattoos" ... and the first page of hits was full of cheerleader audition notices that made it clear to the candidates: "No visible tattoos."
This is an outrage. It's downright discriminatory. Worst of all, are we on a collision course where a hot chick with a tattoo of a rose the size of a grapefruit on a shoulder is turned away in favor of a non-tattooed classmate who can barely squeeze into the size XXXL bloomers?
When will America be ready for a USC Song Girl with a tramp stamp?
I challenge the colleges and universities across the land -- which of you will be the first to break the cheerleader visible-tattoo barrier?
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Obviously, the easiest way this will come about is if Nike demands it. Once sneaker money starts getting waived around, watch how fast it would take to see a Swoosh embedded for eternity in cheerleader cleavage.
Now remember, these have to be nice, classy tattoos. We don't want fans to think the ladies got inked in prison.
Therefore, any messages tattooed on knuckles are out. Besides, if you saw the phrases "T-E-A-M" and "P-R-Y-D" scratched across a girl's digits, you're going to want to run in the other direction.
Here are other guidelines on how to turn The Big Dance into The Big Tattoo Parlor:
Acceptable designs: Butterflies, flowers, poems, wings, hearts.
Unacceptable designs: Flaming skulls, marijuana leaf. Especially unacceptable is a flaming skull smoking a joint, unless you're with Cornell.
Acceptable size and location: Anything no bigger than a quarter on an ankle, wrist, shoulder, belly.
Unacceptable size and location: Life-sized vulture across back; bloody knife with name of archrival engraved on handle tattooed on side of neck.
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Good symbols: Chinese or Japanese lettering that stands for concepts such as "Spirit," "Strength," "Unity," "Harmony."
Bad symbols: Chinese or Japanese lettering that stands for "3Way" or "Bi-curious."
Always unacceptable tattoo location: Any tattoo on the face ... unless you attend Mike Tyson University.
Remember the end of the Boise State football team's Fiesta Bowl fairy tale? After the upset of Oklahoma, a TV camera rolled as a Boise State player proposed to his cheerleader girlfriend on the sideline.
Imagine if after Monday night's basketball championship game, a player from UConn or North Carolina or Villanova or Michigan State proposes to his cheerleader girlfriend ... but instead of producing a ring, they pull down their pants and we see that they have matching tattoos on their rear ends.
If you're looking for an inkblot that would make a good Rorschach test for America's acceptance of cheerleader tattoos, I'd suggest that.
Photos by Getty Images
Gregory Hardy writes the Sports Guesspert column for the Columbia (S.C.) State. He's bound to type something stupid at twitter.com/hardyvision.
