| The PCS Rankings (Pop Culture Standings) |
| Updated: April 21, 2009 |
| News Item | Comment |
| Yankees Suckage | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 1 | - | .989 |  | |  | Theories abound as to why 20 homers were launched in the first four games at the brand spankin' new Yankee Stadium. Some experts think a wind tunnel in right field might be the cause of the "Coors Field East" comparisons. If substantial wind patterns are indeed the culprit, this could be the most conclusive scientific evidence yet that the Yankees and their fans, when concentrated in one area, do indeed suck. Massively. Enjoy your $2,500 seats, suckers. |
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| Susan Boyle | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 2 | - | .985 | | |  | Remember when singing British chicks who took the world by storm looked like the Spice Girls? Evidently in London, the supply curve shows an inverse relation between awe-inspiring singing ability and hotness. To the guy offering Boyle $1 million to be in porno -- dude, please tell us you checked Posh Spice's availability first. |
| Rick Pitino extortion scheme | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 3 | - | .963 | | |  | Please know that the current controversy in Louisville is in no way related to when we tried to blackmail Pitino for gambling in a March Madness pool. OK, he might not have filled out a bracket, but it's his fault the Cardinals are so good it makes us want to throw in $5. |
| NFL Draft | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 4 | 12 | .949 | | |  | The Lions are on the clock with Saturday's No. 1 pick. But the news out of Motown? Uh, they tweaked their logo. Given their history of draft decisions, we're lucky the helmets don't show Kermit the Frog. "No, it's wrong, idiots! Your colors are silver and blue, not green! Have you never heard of copyright laws?" |
| Georgia's Women's Gymnastics Team | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 5 | - | .933 | | |  | Congratulations to the Lady Bulldogs for winning their fifth NCAA title in a row. The good people of Athens have tried to imagine if the football team had won five national titles in a row, but lately Mark Richt is just working on beating Vanderbilt five times in a row. |
| John Madden | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 6 | - | .920 | | |  | You really think his retirement from broadcasting will mean there would be less of him in your life? You already play his video game, use his athlete's foot cure, shop at his hardware store, eat his Bloomin' Onions ... in fact, you've been living inside his belly since the Patriots-Rams Super Bowl. |
| Matt Millen | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 7 | - | .894 | | |  | Look who's going to be getting more TV work in Madden's absence. The first step in separating himself from credibility issues after his dismal spell as Detroit's GM is to make it clear he did not authorize the logo that looks like Kermit the Frog. He was in favor of the one that looked like Fozzie Bear. |
| Kevin Garnett | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 8 | - | .872 | | |  | Talk about bringing a sports town to its knees. Boston's instant reaction to knee injuries to Tom Brady and Kevin Garnett were, "Well, there go the playoffs." Thus fans have been urging members of the Bruins and Red Sox to go easy on their knees by walking on their hands at all times. |
| Charles Barkley's adamantium claws | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 9 | - | .790 | | |  | No, those weren't special effects for a TNT promo. Some idiot enrolled Barkley into the Weapon X program. But Barkley elected not to get his entire skeleton laced with the indestructible metal for fear it would mess up his golf swing. |
| Florida Marlins | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 10 | - | .681 | | |  | Here's why the Fish jumped to an 11-1 start. It was explained to the players that management would deduct $1 million from the team payroll for every loss. Thus, they can only afford 36 losses this year. After that, their only hope to end up with any coin is by pawning their 2009 World Series rings. |
| Tiger Woods, cartoon pitchman | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 11 | 1 | .660 |  | |  | Don't be fooled by those Gatorade commercials. Tiger Woods has lived around Orlando for so long that he is now an animated character. And it's not all fun and games. Whenever he sinks a putt, Little Tiger now has to make sure the hole isn't one of those bottomless pits that instantaneously sends him to Albuquerque. |
| LeBron James | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 12 | 7 | .579 | | |  | Can you believe he hit a 40-footer before the halftime buzzer against Detroit? For his next trick, The Chosen One will win the Larry O'Brien trophy, toss it in the air, and turn it into a cloud of chalk powder. Poof! |
| Madonna | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 13 | - | .465 | | |  | Hope she's OK after reports that she fell off a horse while riding in the Hamptons. Supposedly she's so upset with the horse that she is now canceling her plans to adopt it and rename it A-Rod. |
| San Jose Sharks | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 14 | - | .453 | | |  | You had the best regular season in team history, but you're about to blow it to the Ducks in the first round. Guys, get your act together. Unlike the Chicago Cubs, the NHL might not have 100 years to kill for you to go without a title. |
| Mark Martin | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 15 | - | .289 | | |  | Just in case you were wondering if you could ever be too old to win a NASCAR race, the 50-year-old veteran won in Arizona. At his age, the car should have a warning label: "If you experience auto races lasting longer than four hours, consult a physician. |
| Also receiving votes: Polo horse deaths (21 ponies dropped dead before a match in Florida. Latest reports cannot link any of them to having been ridden by Madonna. That's still no excuse not to use protection). ... Isiah Thomas (surprisingly, Florida International University's new basketball coach has not been publicly linked to any remarks that would have him surpass Lane Kiffin as Most Idiotic New College Coach Who Parachuted in From the Pros). ... Steven A. Smith (Quite Frankly, we thought he had already gotten the boot from the Worldwide Leader). ... Pulitzers awarded (inexcusably, the judges chose not to honor the SPiN on Sports exclusive report on ways sports franchises can avoid having cheerleaders be affected by the economic downturn) ... Washington Nationals (pursuing record pace to be first team in major league history to accumulate 100 losses within their first 87 games). |
 PCS Crystal Ball: April 22, 2014: Pulitzer committee announces that SPiN on Sports' Pop Culture Standings is the winner of their historic first Pulitzer Prize in the new category of Pop Culture Standings. Previously, the Pop Culture Standings had been submitted under the category of Blithering Nonsense. |
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