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Here's my No. 1 problem with the Star Trek movie reboot:
I'm not interested in a continuation of any Spock-Kirk bromance for another two, three, four or five movies. I thought the whole point of rounding up an impressive cast to fill out the ensemble was to give the secondary characters some screen time, now that hambone William Shatner won't be around to hijack the spotlight.
Instead, Tyler Perry (who's intentionally acting unfunny as a Starfleet Academy blowhard) practically has more screen time than Simon Pegg did as Scotty. And there hasn't been a sci-fi performance as funny as Pegg's since Duck Dodgers in the 24th 1/2 Century.
I say the next sequel should be called Star Trek: The Search for the Ferrets in Scotty's Pants.
Here should be mission No. 1 for future Trek sequels: Give us more female characters!
No doubt, Zoe Saldana admirably fills Nichelle Nichols' shoes -- or go-go boots, if you will -- as Uhura. But Star Trek is supposed to be about a Utopian vision for humanity.
The movies should reflect that for women by not just giving us walk-by eye candy. Playing Cowboys and Klingons shouldn't be a boys-only club.
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As a way to reconcile the brains and the looks, I've probed through the galaxy of G.L.O.T. (Gorgeous Ladies of Trek). And in honor of Zoe Saldana stripping down to her underwear in the new film, I've filled out the universe's first roster of "The All-Star Trek Lingerie Football Team." This is also an excuse to roll out another one of my pop-culture sports teams. You may remember such squads as The All-Simpsons Football Team and The All-Saturday Night Live Baseball Team.
The real dilemma: Do we travel through time and bring all the ladies to one football field, or just program their vital statistics into a holodeck computer?
I suppose the latter is something the Madden Football video game authors can mull over for the next few hundred years. So without further ado, let's bring out the cheerleading team of green-skinned Orion slave girls and give these ladies a hand.
Offense
Quarterback: Captain Kathryn Janeway (Kate Mulgrew). The field general spot has to go to the first female captain of a Star Trek TV show -- even if she led the USS Voyager with the voice of a Munchkin who inhaled a hundred helium balloons.
Wide receiver: Lt. Saavik (Kirstie Alley). Yes, before she became larger than a Klingon heavy cruiser, Alley once played the Enterprise's hot half-Vulcan, half-Romulan babe in Wrath of Khan. She'd fit perfectly into the diva position of wide receiver, given how Alley did not reprise the role in future movies because of to salary demands. So if Alley sits out, the spot can be platooned with Robin Curtis.
Wide receiver: Lt. Commander Jadzia Dax (Terry Farrell). At 6 feet tall, she's the outside possession receiver who's so rare to find in Fantasy sci-fi lingerie football lineups.
Running back: Lt. Ilia (Persis Khambatta). If she can walk through a sick bay wall like in Star Trek: The Motion Picture, she can bust through any defensive line. Since she's bald, no one might notice if her helmet pops off during a play.
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Fullback: Martia (Iman). The real-life supermodel played a shape-shifter in Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country. Morphing her body shape could come in handy whether she has to block or carry the ball on a play.
Tight end: Dr. Gillian Taylor (Catherine Hicks). She was the cute marine biologist who could talk whale in the '80s in Star Trek IV. Then she goes into the future with Kirk and company and we never hear of her again. Maybe she got stuck in a time warp on 7th Heaven.
Center: Deanna Troi (Marina Sirtis). You want an empath on your front line to anticipate both the QB's audibles and any impending blitz. And given that she's shown off more cleavage than every other Star Trek character combined (including James Doohan in some of those later films), you know where the overhead camera should be positioned before the start of every play.
Right tackle: Edith Keeler (Joan Collins). Yeah, she plays a pacifist in the classic Trek episode City on the Edge of Forever. But Collins' Dynasty nasty streak can't be too far under the surface.
Left tackle: Borg Queen (Alice Krige). Being the best villain of a Next Generation movie means your performance is going to end up underrated in the overall scheme of things. But who better to protect the blindside with ruthless efficiency. For a pass rush, resistance is futile.
Right guard: Guinan (Whoppi Goldberg). That giant hat alone is going to slow up at least two blitzers every down.
Left guard: Lt. Uhura (Nichelle Nichols). Name a category, she's a first-ballot Hall of famer. Every lady on this list owes a debt to the original.
Defense
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Middle linebacker: Seven of Nine (Jeri Ryan). She's half-human. Half-Borg. All robo-babe. Of all the "private time" Trekkies spend in their parents' basement, the biggest slice of that pie chart is spent with photos of her.
Strong side linebacker: Dr. Beverly Crusher (Gates McFadden). We'll let her intentionally clock us anywhere, so long as we wake up with her hovering over us in sick bay.
Weak side linebacker: Lt. Valeris (Kim Cattrall). There's always been a rumor that during the filming of Star Trek VI she posed for secret nude photos on the set of the Enterprise bridge. I will continue to refuse to believe these rumors until someone e-mails copies of these pictures to me at hardyvision@gmail.com. And don't bother sending PhotoShopped versions of her sex scenes from Sex and the City. I can tell if someone just added pointy ears to shots of Samantha.
Nose tackle: Ensign Ro Laren (Michelle Forbes). Get it? The Bajoran alien race has weird ridged noses. So she should be nose tackle. Hey, what do you want, stage makeup and a plastic schnoz was what passed for cheap TV makeup effects in syndicated TV land.
Defensive tackle: T'Pol (Jolene Blalock). A Vulcan hottie to be sure, but being drafted to the team out of the cast of Star Trek: Enterprise is the equivalent of being undrafted out of college.
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Right end: Amanda Grayson (Winona Ryder). You get the feeling that there was more of Ryder's part as Spock's mom that was filmed for the new movie than got into the final cut? We're putting her on the defensive line, because that's where you put your players who've had characters issues, such as department store shoplifting.
Left end: Major Kira (Nana Visitor). Being drafted to the team out of Deep Space Nine is the equivalent of being taken from a Division II college.
Cornerback: Tasha Yar (Denise Crosby). She was head of security for Enterprise NCC-1701D. She also posed nude for the May 1988 edition of Playboy. Check it out if ultra-cropped '80s SuperCuts hairstyles do anything for ya.
Cornerback: Yeoman Janice Rand (Grace Lee Whitney). This character was the pinnacle of intergalactic eye candy for the first season of the classic show's initial run. Then she disappeared completely for the rest of the series. But if you need sharp fingernails in a cat fight, she scratched up Mirror Universe Evil Kirk's cheek awful deep. Meow!
Free safety: Nyota Uhura (Zoe Saldana). I'll bet she can rover around everywhere like Troy Polamalu, just with nicer hair. No matter where she goes, you know she won't get lost in space. And if she does, her distress signals will get answered in a hurry.
Strong safety: Lt. Sharon 'Boomer' Valerii (Grace Park). We were going to use Majel Barrett's Nurse Christine Chapel here, but we pulled off a trade with Battlestar Galactica that included future draft picks and a Klingon to be named.
Gregory Hardy writes the Sports Guesspert column for the Columbia (S.C.) State. He's bound to type something stupid at twitter.com/hardyvision.
