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No, I'm not trying to steal Chris Rock's "How much for an order of ribs?" routine. But I'll make fun of Lane Kiffin at the end of this, I promise.
I walk into a ribs joint to place a takeout order. I tell the pretty hostess, "I'd like two slabs of ribs, please."
Her big eyes look at me blankly. "We don't have slabs," she said.
"Uh, your tank-top has the word 'Ribs' printed on it. The sign out front includes the word 'ribs,' right? You cook and sell spare ribs here, no?"
"Yes."
"But not slabs of ribs."
"We don't have slabs."
"Are you out of slabs?"
"I"m sorry, we don't sell slabs."
"Can I only order one rib at a time? How does this work?"
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"You can order a platter," she suggests.
"I don't want sides or drinks. I just want the slabs of ribs."
"We don't have slabs."
"Just give me the menu."
Sure enough, there were no "slabs" of ribs for sale. I could order a standalone rack or half-rack of ribs, though.
"Can I have two racks of ribs?"
"OK," she said, and wrote it down.
Later when an older waitress was ringing up my racks at the register, she said, "Thanks for bearing with us, sweetie. That girl, she just started working here."
And it dawned on me. This girl had spent her first 18 to 20 years of life on planet Earth never having heard the expression "a slab of ribs." Yet despite her lack of intimacy with rib dining, she sought and landed a job as a hostess at a ribs restaurant. The next thing she knows, there's some jerk in front of her asking for a "slab" of something.
I could have said, "I'd like an order of beagle tusks," as far as she was concerned. Such things do not exist in our known dimension.
I bring this up because Tennessee football coach Lane Kiffin is getting barbecued again this week. NCAA rules state college football coaches are never, ever, ever, ever supposed to comment publicly about recruiting commitments until that player has signed with the school.
Kiffin's Twitter account recently mentioned a recruit by name. Dangnabbit.
Here was the excuse offered by Vols athletic director Mike Hamilton:
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"It was one of Lane's personal assistants, and it was his first day on the job," Hamilton explained. "He posted the message on Lane's Twitter account without asking compliance. It was an inadvertent error, but it's still a violation and one of those things where you've got to know what the deal is."
And it dawned on me what happened. This young lad had spent the first few decades of his life with no familiarity with NCAA recruiting bylaws. Yet despite the potential for putting the entire multimillion-dollar football program at risk, he was allowed to ghost-twit for the new twit. Er, coach.
But cut Lane "The Brain" Kiffin some slack, too. It's his first year on the job as an SEC football coach.
Kiffin has already made the mistake of mentioning a recruit by name on a radio show. Hamilton needs to make Kiffin understand recruiting rules apply to just about every mode of human communication. For instance, next time Kiffin takes the Vols Nation's biplane up for some stunt flying, make sure he's not pulling a banner that includes the name of any high school kid in the running for next year's Mr. Football title.
A payoff for all the hype
Sure, Kiffin's tenure to date makes a Dumpster fire look like one of the scented vanilla offerings on the discount table at The Yankee Candle Company. But Tennessee's schedule this fall has at least seven winnable games: Western Kentucky, Ohio, Auburn, South Carolina, Memphis and Vanderbilt all at home, then a trip to Kentucky to end the season. I'm giving Kiffin the benefit of the doubt that he won't screw this thing up so badly that he won't go to a bowl game.
But all anyone wants to talk about is his trial by fire on Sept. 19 in the Swamp.
Kiffin gets to coach his first conference game on the road against a two-time national championship coach who Kiffin tried to make look bad in public.
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The consensus is that Urban Meyer and Tim Tebow will want to put up 80 points as a welcoming party.
We know it's a sure thing the Gators will win. Just like we're sure that if Raiders coach Al Davis thinks the boy wonder he once hired as Oakland's coach is a liar, we're going to be counting the silverware after each time Kiffin comes over for dinner.
The only question this far out is, can the Vols hope to cover the spread. But you can't have a reliable betting line this far out.
Is it too early to gauge a betting line in the Tennessee-Florida game?
I say no, and that's why I like Florida minus 37.
Here's a simple list where I test the waters on various betting lines. The spread is going to be purposely outrageous in order to guarantee an equal number of suckers place money on the Gators and Kiffin's kids.
Just remember me come September. If you make money off the minus 37 line, remember that 10 percent goes to the house (me).
Vols favored by anything: The NCAA creates a loophole that allows the Gator and Volunteer scholarship players to swap the schools they're playing for. Look for all-creamsicle Tebow to lead the band in a rousing rendition of Rocky Top after the beatdown.
Even: Gators agree to play blindfolded. And to hop around on one foot.
Gators -3: Instead of coming back for his senior year, Tebow pulls a Michael Jordan over the summer and retires from the sport he's dominated to try his hand at minor-league baseball.
Gators -7: The night before the game, Lane Kiffin's smokin' hot wife, Layla, entices Meyer to fly to Vegas and get married.
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Gators -10: The Tennessee cheerleaders infiltrate the Florida sideline and spike their Gatorade with Al Davis' pee.
Gators +14: The U.S. Congress has re-instituted the military draft, and Florida's entire two-deep defense has been shipped to the Pakistan-Afghan border (the good news is that they would seriously disrupt Taliban operations. And that's without guns or military hardware or uniforms, just their helmets, jerseys and pads).
Gators -24½: This is a day game, and the sun gets in the eyes of a Florida receiver on one play. With Percy Harvin and Louis Murphy gone, the position is perhaps most untested link in the chain.
Gators -37: This sounds about right.
Gators -44: At Florida's team meal on Friday night, 90 percent of the players come down with food poisoning from bad slabs of spare ribs.
Gators -55: Give Kiffin some credit. It's a rule that every time the Gators score, they have to kick the ball right back to Tennessee. So it's not as though the final time of possession will be Gators 60:00, Vols 0:00 (note to Tennessee special teams coaches: Beware of onside kicks from Florida. We might have just given Urban an idea there).
Gators -80: Now that's just crazy talk. Unless of course before the game Tebow tearfully tells the media that he promises no player in the country will work as hard as he will to beat Tennessee by 80 points.
If that happens, all bets are off. And if you show up at a rib joint some day where Lane Kiffin is a greeter, at least you know he'll be able to discuss with you Tennessee's recruits by name.
Photos by Getty Images
Gregory Hardy writes the Sports Guesspert column for the Columbia (S.C.) State. He's bound to type something stupid at twitter.com/hardyvision.
