S.P.O.R.T.S. Cam: Alternative awards, must-see tennis, poor Richard

The ESPYs are scheduled for Sunday, July 19, and like many of these gala shows, some of the awards are handed out in advance because of time constraints and a perceived lack of public interest.

In this case, the "lesser" awards will be bestowed this week, but we have sources at ESPN who provided us with the advance list of recipients. Congratulations to these winners.

Best Emergency Room Alias: Harris Smith, a.k.a., Plaxico Burress.

Best Eye Drops: David Ortiz.

Best Bong Hit: Michael Phelps.

Best Winless Team: Detroit Lions.

Best Use of Rohypnol: The Hangover.

Best Choke Job: New York Mets.

Best Man Boobs: Andre Smith, offensive tackle, Alabama/Cincinnati Bengals.

Best Favre Stalker: Rachel Nichols.

Best Tweet: Chad Ochocinco, who likened the death of Michael Jackson to 9/11.

Best Memphis SAT score: Derrick Rose.

Best Ex-Player Bitching About His Exclusion from the Hall of Fame: (tie) Bert Blyleven and Ron Santo.

Best Quarterback Scramble: Dan Orlovsky.

Best Soccer WAG: Abigail Clancy.

Best Ass-kicking: 100-0, Covenant School over Dallas Academy.

Best Butt, Beach Volleyball: Kerri Walsh.

Best B.S. Excuse: Johnny Damon, who said he dropped a routine fly ball because he'd been drinking a lot of coffee, which caused him to blink uncontrollably.

Best New Coach: Lane Kiffin.

Best Cursing from a Player in Street Clothes: Kevin Garnett.

Best C Cups: Candace Parker.

I'm a big sports fan, but there are only three sporting events I watch every year, regardless of the participants: the Super Bowl, the Kentucky Derby and the Wimbledon men's final.

Sure, I'll always watch portions of the World Series and the NBA Finals, but I'd be lying if I said I watched every game between the Phillies and Rays last year or between the Magic and Lakers this year. What can I say, when my teams (Red Sox, Steelers, Vanderbilt) aren't participating, my interest ebbs considerably. But the Super Bowl is an Event, replete with food, drinks and camaraderie -- and so are the Kentucky Derby and Breakfast at Wimbledon.

Back in the day, i.e., when evenings started at 10 p.m., I'd be hard-pressed to catch the Wimbledon men's final, which began Sunday at 9 a.m. ET. But nowadays, I'm married with a child, so 9 a.m. is the new 2 p.m. In fact, when the World Cup rolls around next year, I'm gonna be catching all those early-morning soccer matches from South Africa. But the Western Conference finals between the Lakers and the Nuggets? Sorry, but this hombre was fast asleep by the time those games reached halftime.

So, what sporting events do you always watch in their entirety? The BCS National Championship Game? The NHL Finals? The NCAA men's basketball final? The Daytona 500? The Masters? The NFL Pro Bowl? The Nathan's Hot Dog-Eating Contest? If so, hats off. I can't make the same claim. It all depends on the participants and my schedule.

Now, if Wimbledon were on at 3 p.m., it'd probably be a different story, and I might not have watched Sunday's classic between Roger Federer and Andy Roddick. As it happened, I watched every minute, including the introductions when Federer walked out in Ralph Macchio's outfit from the 1984 All Valley Karate Championship.

There hasn't been a Dick in major league baseball since 1996, when Dick Schofield retired, a phenomenon I addressed last summer on Bugs and Cranks.

"Once upon a time, Dick was a common name. In fact, it was so common that when Bewitched needed to replace Dick York in 1969, it replaced him with Dick Sargent. Back in the '60s, Dicks were everywhere, including baseball. From Dick Allen to Dick Groat, Dick Brown to Dick Green, you couldn't watch a game without coming across at least one Dick. Nowadays, however, there's not a single, solitary Dick in the majors.

So, where'd all the Dicks go? Frankly, I don't know. It's a strange phenomenon: Here today, gone tomorrow, like barefoot kickers and anthrax scares."

Not gone completely, however. Seems there's one Dick lurking deep in the minor leagues, Dick Guanipa, a native of Venezuela who is playing in the Dominican Summer League on a combined team of Orioles/Brewers prospects.

In 17 games and 44 at-bats, he has four hits, all singles, for a .121 batting average.

Yeah, we won't be seeing that Dick in the major leagues anytime soon.

When it comes to television, my wife and I don't agree on much, but we agree that Big Brother is an easy summer option, since it's on three days a week and we can bond together in our disdain for strangers.

I'd never go on a reality show, and believe me, you wouldn't want to see my pale ass on television. But luckily there are plenty of other people who consider themselves wildly interesting (and accomplished strategists), and this allows us at home to make fun of them and feel good about ourselves, which is what life is all about (I hope).

This summer the Big Brother house is eco-friendly, and that means portions of the house are made out of recycled paper, cans, bottles and midget bones. Julie Chen said as much during her guided tour on the show's website, though I might be sketchy on a few of those details.

Anyway, the show premieres Thursday at 8 p.m., and afterwards runs three days a week (Sunday, Tuesday and Thursday) until the last person is left standing.

Check it out. You'll learn a lot about human nature and composting.

I went to high school in Fairfield, Conn., and lived there for several years after college, but was never lucky enough to see Sasquatch. I feel cheated. This story is by Genevieve Reilly of the Connecticut Post dated July 1.

FAIRFIELD -- It goes by many names: Bigfoot, Sasquatch -- the legendary half-human, half-ape creature that, according to legend, prowls the great northern woods of the U.S. and Canada.

Some insist, however, that the hairy beast is real. Sasquatch "sightings" have primarily been reported in the Northwest.

Until now, that is.

A woman driving on Unquowa Road about 10:30 p.m. Tuesday called police to report that she "almost hit Sasquatch," which was standing in the middle of the road. She said it was 8 feet tall and very hairy, with a large body and "legs like tree trunks." When she switched her headlights to highbeams, she said, the creature covered its face and ran into the woods.

The driver told police it was "human like," but more "like an animal." Unlike other Sasquatch sightings, where the elusive beast melts back into the deep woods, this one was located in Fairfield.

Bigfoot turned out to be a big joke -- a 16-year-old dressed in a gorillalike costume, police said. The teen told officers he was standing at the intersection of Unquowa and Sturges roads, waving at passing cars while friends watched.

A police officer escorted the sham Sasquatch back home and turned him over to his parents, who, the police report states, agreed he should have shown better judgment.

I'm accustomed to people occasionally posting vitriolic comments below my columns, which invariably happens when I make light of their beloved teams or sports. The fact is, no matter what you write, some people will latch onto something (often wildly beside the point) and make an issue of it. Take, for instance, the breaking news story about the passing of Steve McNair, when the absence of confirmed details quickly led to the creation of these brilliant threads on CBSSports.com:

1. Greener70: Murder Suicide Guaranteed!: "Another screwed up player blowing his wife away then turning the gun on himself! Coward's way out if you ask me. Just goes to show the rage inside of alot of athletes these days."

(No doubt, Mr. Jury Foreman.)

2. HutchD: Guns are pointless: "I hate to break the news, but its not 1780 anymore we don't need citizens with guns, they are totally and completely meaningless and useless to have."

(A Hall of Fame-caliber quarterback has just been murdered? Well then, let's go to a sports message board and have an enlightened conversation about gun control. After all, no one was murdered before the creation of gunpowder.)

3: MatteoLC: Wow...if it happened in Detroit: "RIP McNair...one of the NFL's toughest players - in my opinion. Hope his family can get through it. One thing I DO know, is that if it happened in Detroit, we'd hear every other post about how terrible of a city it is, how there's animals killing people on every corner, (and other lies that outsiders seem to believe) etc. Funny the double standard the country has when it comes to things like this - and how they relate it to the cities in which these events happen.

"I doubt anyone will say anything about how unsafe or terrible Nashville is. It's not warranted, in my opinion - but thousands of people would jump on Badmouthing Detroit if it happened there.

"Just an observation on the (ignorant) gang-hate mentality of the American public."

(Yeah, now that you mention it, I think Matt Millen is responsible for Steve McNair's death.)