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Just act a fool it's OK if you drool, 'Cause everybody's gonna strip and jump in the pool and doowhatwelike ...
-- Digital Underground, Doowutchyalike
"This is crazy, this is crazy, this is crazy."
-- Clark W. Griswold, before diving into motel swimming pool with skinny-dipping Christie Brinkley
Good news! This weekend, you can set a Guinness World Record by ripping off your clothes.
I'll leave it to you if you want to work that into a pickup line someday. "Hey, baby -- when I drop trou, it makes history."
Bad news: You'll be taking off your clothes in front of lots and lots of other people. People you might not want to see naked. People who might not be excited about seeing you in the buff.
On Saturday, July 11, at 3 p.m. Eastern Time, the American Association for Nude Recreation (Caution! Its website features lots of pairs of wrinkly geezer butts) is organizing an attempt to set the record for simultaneous skinny-dipping.
Now, you may be asking: "Why are we talking about skinny-dipping here? Is that really a sport?" Hey, if a group of people are trying to set a record in something, it's officially a sport.
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But it's not the No. 1 nude watersport in my book. That would be nude synchronized swimming. It's poetic, it's graceful ... but I'd advise averting your eyes when contestants somersault.
Nude water-skiing can be entertaining. But that's entirely contingent on how fast and in what direction the skier is going when he or she wipes out.
Not to be a prude, but nude high-diving should be banned in my opinion. We've seen time and again that too many competitors scale to the top of the 10-meter tower only to give in to the temptation to pee off it in front of everyone.
But if you want to jump in for the skinny-dipping festivities, click here for a list of hosts throughout the United States and Canada.
I'm really digging some of these club names: Tallahassee Naturally (Fla.) ... Bare Backers (Boise, Idaho) ... Bare Necessities (Austin, Texas) ... Healthy Hides of Houston (Texas) ... White Tail Resort (Ivor, Virginia) ... Rogue Suncatchers (Medford, Oregon) ... and Bare Oaks (Sharon, Ontario).
If I were to start a nudist club, I'd have to go with "Stately Wang Manor." Yes, everything in my book has to be a reference to the '60s Batman TV show.
Maybe you're already a committed naturalist. Maybe you're curious about giving it a whirl. There are lots of online resources to help you on your way (Psst! I've noticed that the Internet is really, really efficient in hooking us up with naked people).
If you're worried that a Google search for "nude campgrounds" might be "not safe for work," then it's time for you to start working in a nude campground.
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So who will be taking the plunge on Saturday? I've calculated these figures of who you're likely to meet:
Someone with an embarrassing tattoo that's better off hidden: 64 percent
Someone from your workplace: 44 percent
Eddy Curry: 77 percent
One of your relatives: 32 percent
Your ex: 9 percent
Michael Phelps: 2 percent
Michael Phelps (if he got baked the night before): 92 percent
Your priest or rabbi: 3 percent
Wilford Brimley: 88 percent
Your favorite porn star: 100 percent*
(*Actually, that's a lie. There's a 0 percent chance you'll meet your favorite porn star. But if the AANR wants to pay me $1,000, I'll take out the disclaimer about the lie, and that should boost attendance.)
A politician you voted for: 50-50
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Someone who came dressed as Batman: 3 percent
Someone who came dressed as Robin: 74 percent
Sorry to say, I won't be making the trip. I've got a really bad phobia about seeing people with really bad tan lines.
Now I'm sure the experienced hands at the nudist lifestyle will sport a glowing, healthy silhouette. But there's going to be enough first-timers flowing in flab, stretch marks and paleness that the shore will look sicker than the Cantina Scene from the original Star Wars.
Besides, I think this exchange from American Beauty sums up my body image philosophy:
Lester Burnham: "I need to shape up. Fast."
Jogging neighbor: "Are you just looking to lose weight, or do you want increased strength and flexibility as well?"
Lester Burnham: "I want to look good naked."
So good luck to Skinny-Dipping Nation on Saturday.
Make sure you bring a big smile. In fact, that's really all you need to bring.
Gregory Hardy writes the Sports Guesspert column for the Columbia (S.C.) State. He's bound to type something stupid at twitter.com/hardyvision.
