| The PCS Rankings (Pop Culture Standings) |
| Updated: July 14, 2009 |
| News Item | Comment |
| Jessica Simpson | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 1 | - | .989 |  | |  | It was the offseason transaction Dallas Cowboys fans were praying would happen. She was dumped by Tony Romo -- the day before her 29th birthday. Crunch! Although if she wants to get revenge and mess with Romo's head, maybe she could start having an affair with Wade Phillips. If you thought it was tacky watching her in the stands wearing her pink No. 9 jersey, wait until she starts hanging around the sidelines wearing Wade's oversized, spare-rib-stained Cowboys polo shirts. |
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| Brock Lesnar | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 2 | - | .945 | | |  | We salute the undisputed UFC heavyweight champ and sympathize with his grievances against Bud Light. Here's a no-brainer for Bud Light: Start putting the former WWE bruiser in your commercials. Like say, show him beating the crap out of the writers who came up with the commercials we hate the most. |
| LeBron James | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 3 | - | .916 | | |  | It's simple, King: Allow Nike to release the video of Xavier's Jordan Crawford dunking on you. How embarrassing could the footage be? Unless you peed your pants during the dunk. THAT would be embarrassing. And messy. |
| Lance Armstrong | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 4 | - | .885 | | |  | Tensions are high at team Astana. Lance and Spain's Alberto Contador are supposed to be cooperating, but it's a daily soap opera as to who's going to try to win the whole damn race. If the Tour de France was a sitcom, it's time for Alberto to try to sneak drugs into Lance's morning coffee so he'll get busted during testing. Hilarious! |
| Bruno | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 5 | - | .835 | | |  | Sacha Baron Cohen's shock mockumentary stuffed $30.4 million in opening-week box office cash into the tiny pockets of his short-shorts. Idea for next movie where you interview clueless people: Take your cameras to the Washington Nationals' offices and drill them about why they're 22½ games out at the All-Star break. |
| Brett Favre | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 6 | - | .808 | | |  | Vikings coaches traveled to Mississippi to watch their QB-in-waiting throw 100 passes. While it was a solid demonstration of how his arm was responding to surgery, there is some concern about the fact that 98 of his passes were intercepted. |
| Hayden Panettiere | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 7 | - | .779 | | |  | No wonder her new high school graduation movie I Love You, Beth Cooper only made $5 million this weekend. The title's wrong, wrong, wrong. A movie title that would have brought in more guys would have been, I Love You, Hot Chick From Heroes, Please Sit On My Lap and Rub Coconut Oil On My Shoulders for 90 Minutes. Make mine the unrated version. |
| Albert Pujols | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 8 | - | .761 | | |  | With the All-Star Game in his backyard, and by drawing nearly 5.4 million fan votes, the St. Louis slugger can bask in major league baseball's "Mr. Good Guy" role. To show how much of a hero he is, during the seventh-inning stretch Bud Selig has ordered a house be specially built in the outfield and set on fire so Pujols can rush inside and save the children. |
| Tiger Woods | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 9 | 8 | .656 |  | |  | It's British Open week. Tiger does not currently hold the title of any majors. We're gonna go out on a limb here and say that Woods is going to laser-focus on this event with more intensity than Austin Powers trying to get his mojo back. |
| Home Run Derby | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 10 | - | .596 | | |  | How's this for electricity: Prince Fielder limped past Nelson Cruz 6-5 to win the title. Why do we insist on tuning in to sports' made-for-TV events? There really are enough other channels and shows out there to fill our time. Of course, next time we turn on the TV there might be a 24-7 Home Run Derby channel waiting for us. |
| NASCAR jackpot | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 11 | - | .551 | | |  | A 60-year-old Colorado woman won $1 million because she picked Mark Martin and Jeff Gordon to finish 1-2 in Saturday's race. She'll get another million if she can tell us when Dale Jr. will lose his mind and start driving every race in women's underwear. |
| Naked People | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 12 | - | .496 | | |  | Thousands turned up at nudist parks around the country to set the world record for mass skinny-dipping. There were no Megan Fox sightings as far as we know -- but if she was taking a bath at the same time the dippers dipped their doodles, we would be happy to make an appeal to have her name added to the list for history's sake. |
| Roy Halladay | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 13 | - | .473 | | |  | It looks like it's just a matter of time before a trade kicks in for the All-Star Blue Jays pitcher. Of course, if you asked the people of Toronto if they're sad that such a major sports star is on his way out, they'd say, "Which line is he on for the Leafs, eh?" |
| Artie Lange | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 14 | - | .464 | | |  | The comic was charged with DUI after a fender-bender in New Jersey. Fans were equally concerned as to whether he was falling off the wagon ... or maybe just Joe Buck knows some Garden State cops and arranged to have them bust Lange's balls. |
| U.S. vs. Haiti | | Current | Previous | Pct. | Rise/Fall | | 15 | - | .322 | | |  | The Americans had to scrounge up a late goal in injury time to manage a 2-2 tie. Man, couldn't we have just let the team from Haiti win so they can feel good about themselves? The Haitian players have to be depressed that A) they let an improbable win slip away and B) they have to return to Haiti. |
| Also receiving votes: Jonathan Sanchez (Can you believe the Giants pitcher's no-hitter against the Padres was the first in the majors this season? We've been focusing way too much time on which players have yet to test positive for something, we forget the achievements that really count). ... Entourage (Vince's next role might be Enzo Ferrari? We were hoping he'd be attached to The Lee Iacocca Story). ... Lauren Conrad (Her book has been atop the New York Times best-seller list, despite the fact it includes no nude pictures of herself). ... Harry Potter (Spoiler alert! Millions of people will go see another movie in this series where they already know how the story ends. What magic trick generates all this money for the people who crank this out?). ... Ryan Seacrest (Signs a $45 million deal to stay host of American Idol for three more years. Imagine how much he'd be worth if he did anything useful anywhere). |
 PCS Crystal Ball: Feb. 7, 2010: Disaster strikes during the singing of the national anthem at Super Bowl XLIV in Miami between the Indianapolis Colts and the Dallas Cowboys. Jessica Simpson, a last-second replacement for an ailing Beyonce, starts changing the words of The Star-Spangled Banner to, "Tony, I still love you ... and you should still be mine ... what so proudly we kissed ..." ... at which point, security dogs are released on her. |
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