1. There is a northern bias. Of course there is a northern bias. It exists because newspapers and Internet columns are written for the literate. If everyone still communicated with hollers from one valley to another, things would be equal.
2. Big Ten girls are ugly. Admittedly, this has nothing to do with football and is blatant name-calling. Also, I am not the best judge of this question because I am married to a Big Ten girl and would like to continue to share the same bed with her. Having said that, this is the only argument SEC schools ever make outside of football so its universal status might have some credence.
3. Big Ten players are slow, fat and work in Detroit factories producing manhole covers when they graduate. Are manhole covers a double-entendre here? Even I'm not sure. This is not true. Some Big Ten players go to work in meat-packing plants when they graduate.
4. Big Ten schools are pompous and arrogant (no SEC school calls itself "THE anything," like THE Ohio State University. This is a ridiculous argument. The THE is very important. Otherwise THE Ohio State University might be confused with plain ole Ohio State University.
5. The Big Ten actually has 11 members so don't lecture us about reading and writing when arithmetic is clearly not your conference's strength. If SEC schools ever used calculators and put down the abacus, you would be aware that we are eternally waiting for Notre Dame to return our whispered words of endearment. Then, we'll be the Big 12. Plus the A-10 is much worse, it actually has 14 members. But Big 11, what kind of idiot chooses to go with 11 numbers when there is another option otherwise.
My arguments
And now to decide things for all eternity. These conferences are mirror images of one another. Each conference:
1. Is made up of state schools with one private school (Vanderbilt and Northwestern).
2. Has huge football stadiums with raucous alumni and fan bases.
3. Has athletic departments that are money-making machines beyond compare.
4. Has players who consistently fill the rosters of NFL teams.
5. Have fans who would sooner marry a first cousin than lose to a rival ... OK, I guess in the SEC this isn't even a tough decision.
Ultimately these similarities are much more grating than differences.
For instance, no one fan of the SEC or Big Ten lies awake at night thinking, "My team could run wild if they played in the MAC, or Mountain West, or Conference USA or the Big East. In the end, if you can lie down at night with the enemy (as I do) you find out that cross-pollination can be a good thing. Sometimes you even think, "Maybe a football fan can even appreciate both conferences for what they bring to the college football smorgasbord."
But then you come to your senses. I still hate the Big Ten.
Clay Travis is a CBS Sportsline contributor. He is a practicing attorney in the U.S. Virgin Islands.
