Every year, Super Bowl parties bring together awkward groupings of people who are then forced to sit and watch a football game. Inevitably this drives me crazy. Primarily because I don’t understand why I should suddenly be forced to watch football games with people who haven’t bothered to watch a game all season.
I mean, is there any other event that celebrates idiocy more? For instance, I don’t feel compelled to show up in New York City and crash some Broadway actors' Tony Awards party. You know why? Because I don’t like musicals and haven’t even seen a Broadway play in the past five years.
But I respect the fact that for someone who enjoys the Tonys, it would be sort of annoying for me to begin the night by saying, "I just don’t understand how anyone could ever like a musical." Yet, somehow, people arrive at Super Bowl parties and say things like, "I just don’t understand why the teams don’t score more touchdowns. Pass me a Zima," with absolute impunity. It’s lucky these parties only have plastic utensils.
Even worse than that, these Super Bowl gatherings require small-talk, ginger ale, finger foods, awkward banter, excessive praise of sugar-free sugar cookies that someone made, insufficient supplies of beer and overly abundant Mike’s Hard Lemonade, poor seating options and requiring you to listen to some guy explain what a first down is to his girlfriend with an IQ that would barely be sufficient to allow her to be executed were she to commit a murder.
Basically, the Super Bowl forces the legitimate football fan to be tortured for about four hours with people he or she wouldn’t even think of spending time with on any other sporting occasion. Essentially, a true football fan has three options when confronted with a Super Bowl gathering of football imbeciles: 1. Actually answer idiotic and rhetorical questions 2. Make everyone at the party uncomfortable by calling out the idiots and telling them to shut-up and 3. Doing your best to ignore the outrageous commentary and the idiots you're with.
Regarding this, I’ve always thought it would be classic for someone to roll up for a Super Bowl party, sit down on the couch and put on headphones to listen to the radio broadcast. If anyone is willing to do this at a party, send pictures and I will interview you. In an effort to make this experience somewhat more enjoyable, we here at ClayNation have devised a comprehensive list of people who you will hate to spend Super Bowl Sunday with.
1. The aforementioned fan who does not understand why teams don’t score more touchdowns.
This clown can be either male or female, and will begin speaking at any point when the score is not approaching 81-79. Which means always. Worse, there is always someone who seconds this opinion with a brilliant and nonsensical endorsement. "Yeah, why don’t they score more?" One appropriate response would be, "Because the football team is missing out on your offensive genius."
2. Girl with an exposed thong.
Inevitably she will sit right in front of you and you’ll think you’re clubbing in South Beach. The thong will be something ridiculous, like leopard print or have a saying like, "Sex kitten ... make me purr," which will be true but distracting. Of course this girl will lean forward on a pillow or something and you’ll miss several important third down plays because you are trying to keep your wife or girlfriend from noticing your obsession with the exposed thong.
3. Guy with a hat turned sideways.
Please, oh God, please could you not just turn your hat either forwards or backwards? Is that too much to ask? If you feel like it, ask this guy if he’s dancing in the half-time show or meeting Kevin Federline’s posse post-game.
4. Wife who brought the sugar-free sugar cookies.
And now you have to pretend to be impressed by some sugar substitute that you’ve never heard of. Oh great, now the sugar cookies taste like bread dipped in a bird-feeder. Man, these are great.
5. Guy who feels compelled to say three minutes into the game, "(Insert team’s name here) just didn’t come ready to play."
Really? I’m pretty sure the Super Bowl didn’t sneak up on either team. It’s not like Matt Hasselbeck was out shopping at Home Depot earlier that morning and then he suddenly realized, "Oh man, it’s the Super Bowl today, I better get to the stadium."
6. The fan who works at Denny’s and complains about how much the players get paid ... then suggests he or she could do their job.
Right, of course you could. Despite misconceptions that most players arrive in the NFL after proving themselves somewhere in college football, they actually get discovered as short-order cooks making Grand Slam breakfasts in Hoboken, NJ. Good point, run a post route and don’t come back.
7. Guy who draws sweeping conclusions from any and every play, particularly those that occur early in the first quarter and when the teams are separated by a single score.
"I’m telling you Seattle just can’t handle Pittsburgh today," he will say. Easy there Nostradamus. I’m pretty sure that four-yard off tackle play for a first down midway through the first quarter hasn’t defined the game.
