In the coming weeks, every possible and legitimate angle regarding the NCAA Tournament is going to be covered. We'll know what cereal Mike K. prefers and whether or not Adam Morrison utilizes a Schick or Gillete to trim his pornstache.
Since we here at ClayNation view everything from a slightly skewed perspective, we decided to bring you a list of events that are certain to occur but won't be publicized that well. In fact, no one will probably talk about them. Without further ado, here is our first annual ClayNation tally of 20 things we'll be watching for during the NCAA tourney along with our predicted number of occurrences. Here goes:
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| 16: Number of times a player will react angrily as if he is going to fight after a hard foul. (Getty Images) |
• There will be 1,091,358 uses of the phrase "March Madness" before a champion is crowned in April.
• Number of times CBS announcer Bill Raftery will say, "... and the kiss" shortly followed by "mantoman" during the course of the tournament: 321. Number of times I will enjoy this: 321.
• There will be 986 'no' head shakes after solid offensive or defensive plays. Imagine if you were foreign and watching this tournament. Wouldn't you think the players were constantly declining something an unseen person was offering?
• Conversely, there will be just 38 'yes' nods after positive plays. Someone needs to lobby for the 'yes' nod. I'm thinking Kanye West is the right call as he seems to have made both an art form and a singular dance move out of the 'yes' head nod.
• 63 jersey pops. When did this thing take over? Are the players operating under some confusion that fans aren't sure which team they are actually playing for? My friend Jason claims there are often intra-game jersey pops. I have never seen jersey pops until at the end of the game. Currently, between us, this is the Roe v. Wade of jersey pops debate.
• There will exactly be 14 angry cheerleader team meetings regarding whether or not to challenge the NCAA's restriction on three-level pyramids. Unfortunately, Bring it On's Gwen Torrance will not lead a revolt and it is equally likely no one will get served. This means old men everywhere will have to make do with a pyramid view that ends at mid-thigh.
• Shots of Chuck Norris in the crowd: One. Odds Norris will do a karate chop when found by cameras: 86 percent. Come on CBS, find him. We all know he's there somewhere.
• Last-second made shot celebrations: Eight. Number of times the camera will catch bench players signaling what time the cheerleaders should meet up with them on the off day in between games: Zero.
• Ashley Judd and Nick Lachey camera finds during Kentucky and Cincinnati games respectively: Two, but both will be of Ashley Judd since Lachey's Cincinnati team was spurned by the selection committee. Speaking of Lachey, man, the guy has had a rough few months. First, Cincinnati's coach, Bob Huggins, was forced out, then his marriage with Jessica Simpson unraveled, next, USC loses the national championship on a Vince Young fourth down scramble with 40 seconds remaining, and finally, UC loses a tourney bid on a running three-pointer by Gerry McNamara. At least Lachey's forthcoming solo album, All I Have, will go double platinum ... wait.
• Number of times Cinderella or Cinderella appropriate language will be utilized ("If the slipper fits ..." "Bibbidi-bobbidi-boo"): 4,033.
