My friend Lauren used to have a great aspiration. Her dream job was to become a D-level celebrity so producers of VH1's I Love the '90s would contact her for input about a decade's worth of pop culture. It was a dream I secretly shared. Sadly, VH1 has already done I love the ‘90s and Lauren is no longer with us. She's in Boston or something. I don't really know. It's beside the point.
With a void in my dream department, I did what any lost soul does -- watched endless hours of E! True Hollywood Story. Then I found the divine spirit: NFL on CBS. And with the draft this weekend, what better time to manifest my derailed dream by looking back at the wacky picks of year's past?
So Kay's Korner is proud to present the inaugural I Love the '90s NFL Drafts. We're diving deep into the first round of each year to find our own little special selections that are judged more on their Tom Sizemore-like antics then their Tom Brady-like accolades.
Our team of draftologists, sociologists and astrologists have devised this list of players that would keep Michael Ian Black and Co. yapping through 2011.
1990: So many options. Part of me is thinking, "Go with Jeff
George. Run with him, do your worst. It's so obvious." Another side of
me is saying, "Two words: Blair Thomas." But then I've got the name
Andre Ware on a loop. Which direction do I take? All easy targets. But
no, that's not how Kay’s Korner rolls. Instead, I'm looking at Dexter
Carter.
Drafted at No. 25, the Florida State running back had the small task of replacing Roger Craig in the 49ers' West Coast offense. That’s like trying to replace Denise Richards in Wild Things 2 (And 3. Yes, there is a part three. Check out Starz On Demand); it just can’t be done successfully. I'll give Carter this: The boys at Tecmo gave him the benefit of the doubt. The combination of Carter and his 95 speed when excellent and Tom Rathman's 90 hitting power gave the San Francisco passing attack a little balance and won me numerous Tecmo Super Bowl tournaments. As for his on-the-field performance, Carter never rushed for more than 460 yards. And that was his rookie year. Talk about peaking early.
1991: I'm going with the obvious choice here. He was a Parade
Magazine All-American, California’s Player of the Year in 1985 and
an honorable mention on the USA Today team. He was a no-brainer
at No. 16 for the Seattle Seahawks. Plus, he was kin to a Bash Brother.
No, not Ozzie Canseco. I'm talking about the tallest quarterback in NFL
history -- Dan McGwire. Before being replaced by Rick Mirer,
McGwire managed to turn his name into the antonym of prolific. The 6-8
gun slinger threw for a whopping 785 yards in his career, or what Peyton
Manning does by Week 3. However, at that height I wonder why the
SuperSonics never called him. He couldn’t have been worse than Michael
Cage.
1992: Once again, a ridiculously deep draft of has-beens and
never-weres. Do I go with the Colts' top two picks of Steve Emtman and
Quentin Coryatt? Maybe it's the Ohio double threat of David Klinger to
the Bengals at No. 6 or Tommy Vardell at No. 9 to the Browns. No, I'm
going the Dream Team route with this one. At No. 22, from THE
Ohio State University, the Chicago Bears selected defensive end Alonzo
Spellman. The Bears thought they had Richard Dent's replacement, but
ended up with a player that was one-half freak of nature, one-half off
the rocker. When not threatening flight attendants, Spellman dons long
blonde hair while playing with the Las Vegas Gladiators of the Arena
Football League. Known to spend some time on Dr. Melfi's couch, Spellman
has a history of mental illness and never produced more than eight sacks
in a season. While that's eight more than me, I’m not 6-4, 300 pounds.
1993: As the sixth defensive back taken and the last pick of the
first round, George Teague always had something to prove. Ahead
of the curve, Teague became one of the first human beings to publicly do
something about the walking, talking, autographing train wreck known as
Terrell Owens. In 2000, the Alabama product didn’t care much for T.O.'s
post-TD celebration on the Dallas star at the 50-yard-line of Texas
Stadium. So he did what everybody wants to do while in the presence of
T.O. -- hulked-out. Teague saw T.O.'s ante and raised him one hard shove
to the ground. Now T.O. is a Cowboy and after a steady career as a
safety, Teague coaches high school football in Texas. Funny how things
work out.
1994: He was drafted to be the heir apparent to Mark Rypien. He's
now the heir apparent to Charles Taylor. That would be Representative
Charles Taylor of North Carolina's 11th District, the man Heath Shuler
looks to unseat this fall in his quest for Capitol Hill. While the
former No. 3 pick posted numbers that would make Akili Smith envious (15
TDs over four seasons), he ended up losing his job to seventh-round pick
Gus Frerotte. While losing the top job in Washington to a guy named Gus
is no way to build a legacy, Shuler apparently learned a thing or two
while living inside the Beltway. Unfortunately, his campaign platform is
as well tuned as his 10-yard out pass. His "issues" page on his campaign
website mimics the general theme of his career. It’s "coming soon."
1995: Proving one play really can make a career, Michael
Westbrook, the man who caught the "Miracle in Michigan" Hail Mary,
was selected at No. 4 by Redskins brass to be the Webster Slaughter to
Heath Shuler’s Bernie Kosar. But Westbrook had other ambitions. When not
dropping balls in the end zone, Westbrook was making Stephen Davis
scream "uncle" or taking off his helmet to thwart game-winning touchdown
drives. But being out of football by the age of 30 has its upside -- it
frees up all sorts of time to fight in the Octagon. And being top
billing to a Butterbean-led undercard is no easy task. Regardless,
Westbrook now takes to the ring on a regular basis with the hopes of one
day trading jabs with Lennox Lewis for the heavyweight championship.
He's on his way -- sort of. Last spring he defeated fellow former NFLer Jarrod
Bunch in a cage fight. Check out how he won. Next stop: Ken
Shamrock.
1996: Impressed by that six-inch golf-ball sized diamond
uncovered last week? Drafting in '96 was like reaching your hand into a
South African mine and pulling out tennis-ball sized diamonds. Some
first round picks to ponder: Keyshawn Johnson, Terry Glenn, Marvin
Harrison, Eddie George, Jonathan Ogden, Simeon Rice, Eddie Kennison,
Eric Moulds, Ray Lewis, John Mobley and Willie Anderson. But it was a
talented running back from Lincoln, Neb., who would make all the
headlines -- on the police blotter.
Despite pleading no contest to a charge of domestic violence against his girlfriend (future candidates may really want to re-think the term), Lawrence Phillips went to the St. Louis Rams as the sixth overall pick of the draft. Not that big an issue in this day and age. He's just a young kid from the wrong side of the tracks who made a mistake. A Dick Vermail dish du jour of sorts. But, the modern-day Ike Turner continued to "Beat me in St. Louis" and by 1997, the Rams severed ties with the curse to all women. But like the good America’s Most Wanted fodder he is, Phillips just couldn’t keep his paws off women.
