ClayNation Dixieland Delight College Football Tour: UT at UGA

I've been to Athens, Ga. more times as an adult than any other SEC town outside of Knoxville, Tenn. This is primarily because two of my best friends from high school, Doug and Ian, ended up in graduate school at the University of Georgia. I distinctly recall asking Doug why he had decided on school in Athens. He didn't skip a beat in responding. "Wait until you see the girls in the bars," he said. Seriously, this was the legitimate reason Doug picked Athens for grad school. He went down there for a visit and saw the girls dancing on top of the bars at last call. And he was sold.

Honestly, "Wait until you see the girls in the bars," might be the best collegiate recruiting slogan I've ever heard. The appeal is universal (excepting, of course, Georgia's astute president, Michael "No Cocktail Party" Adams, who refuses to recognize the fact that there are any bars in Athens or that students and alums might ever drink in these establishments). I have yet to meet any guy who visits Athens and doesn't mention the women within five minutes of talking to another guy. It's uncanny. Everywhere you turn, there is a girl in a black or red dress with a plunging neckline and red heels.

I can just picture Mark Richt sending out letters to top football recruits and writing "P.S. Wait until you see the girls in the bars." The women probably account for at least half of Georgia's recruiting ability. A man who wishes to remain nameless also attributes some of the attractiveness to the Hope Scholarship (state lottery-funded college scholarships). "Once the Hope came and everybody starting getting scholarships, there were a lot more SUV's and a lot more fake breasts." I think the economic term for this is "a free ride."

Athens was also the first stop on the DDT where I would be experiencing things as a visiting fan as opposed to a home fan. Going to a road game in the SEC is a bit like being the guy in the leather jacket at a PETA convention. You're pelted with insults, told you're inhumane and accused of liking jean shorts. But if you win, all the home fans slink back home and curse the referees while you sing your school's fight song on foreign soil. Basically there's a high level of risk and a high level of reward.

But before I could get to Athens for the Tennessee-Georgia game, I first had to get there, so the DDT got a well-rested start out of the bye week on Friday.

The view from the bridge outside Sanford Stadium. (Photo/Clay Travis)

1. Junaid drives in from Memphis on Friday afternoon. He arrives earlier than planned because the building next to his burned down and his law firm was flooded. This is the equivalent of a legal snow day. Previously, Junaid had accompanied me on stop one of the DDT in Knoxville.

2. I get on the wrong interstate leaving Nashville to drive to Atlanta. This is rather inexcusable. It's made even more so because the interstate I choose, I-65 South, is a complete parking lot. Junaid doesn't say anything because, "I thought you were making a tactical decision to avoid going east and were planning on cutting across on 840." Junaid gives me way too much credit, as I have no idea what 840 even is. I inform him that he should exercise the same diligence in questioning my decision-making as a driver as he would apply if Randy Sanders were still calling offensive plays for the Vols. Junaid then directs me to 840.

3. After sitting in traffic for an hour, we reach the cause of the huge traffic jam: Two cars have lightly tapped one another and are pulled off to the side of the road. I will never understand traffic. Whose life is so boring that they would rather look at two cars that aren't moving on the side of the road than get where they are going? OK, besides President Adams of Georgia. The only thing I'm slowing down for on the side of I-65 is a scene for Jenna Meets Devon being filled. Otherwise, I'd just as soon keep going at regular speed.

4. Arrival in Atlanta at our friend Amir's house at 11:40 ET. Amir quickly shows off his 20 Tickle Me Elmo dolls. Amir and his fiancee also have Chik-fil-A sandwiches awaiting us when we arrive. While we eat, Amir discusses the fact that he is considering rolling his profits from the Elmo dolls into purchases of PlayStation 3 game consoles. "It's going to be huge," he says. In my opinion, Chick-fil-A is the best thing to ever come out of Georgia. To put it in Georgia Bulldog terms, Chick-fil-A is to fast food restaurants what Herschel Walker was to college running backs."

Amir with his 20 Tickle Me Elmo's. (Photo/Clay Travis)

5. We go out in Virginia Highlands to a bar called Hand in Hand where, oddly, it is almost impossible to actually have a beer in your own hand. It seems like having hallways that are too narrow for two fat women to pass each other would be a readily apparent design flaw for a bar, but then, what do I know? We come back at 3 a.m., whereupon Amir decides to have his picture taken amid his 20 Tickle Me Elmo dolls. The picture encapsulates every soccer mom's fantasy. At least the dolls do anyway. Enjoy.

6. Arrival in Athens the next afternoon at about 12:30. During the entire drive, everyone on the radio is picking Tennessee to win. This includes what seems like every Georgia fan. Junaid refuses to accept the fact that we are favorites. "I refuse to accept the fact that we are favorites," he says.

7. In order to fully experience Athens, we eat at Zaxby's. As soon as Doug got down to Athens, Zaxby's chicken finger dipping sauce became his second favorite thing in the city. Conservatively, there are 87 Zaxby's restaurants in the Athens area. Predictably, the place is packed.