ClayNation: Delving further into the mystery of 'Bama Bangs

The day after my 'Bama Bangs column ran, my wife greeted me at home. "I think you had 'Bama Bangs at our wedding," she said. My wife has still not gotten over the haircut that I got three days before our wedding. As you can tell from the photograph, my hair resembled an awkward bowl cut. Actually, my life could probably be described as a series of awkward bowl cuts. I show up, turn over my $10 to the fine craftsmen at Supercuts and leave looking like I am seven years old. Since marriage (and this is completely true), when I go to Supercuts, my wife sends me with a photograph of myself to present to the haircutter so I don't come back looking like I just danced a duet with a weed-wacker. Yep, when asked what kind of haircut I want, I actually produce a photograph of myself. Welcome to marriage.

'Bama Bangs have to cover the forehead. What I had may best be characterized as a bad bowl cut.

Not content to merely allege that I had 'Bama Bangs, my Michigan-born wife pulled a picture off our dresser and confronted me. "These are 'Bama Bangs," she said, wielding the picture before me like a sword and pointing to my bangs. You can imagine my horror at the allegation. Having 'Bama Bangs myself would make me the most hypocritical person on earth. I'd be like the follicular version of Rev. Pat Robertson. Plainly, this would not do.

After convincing my wife that my wedding hairstyle, while horrible, was not 'Bama Bangs, I headed to the computer where I found an e-mail from Auburn grad Zach inquiring, "Clay, do I have Bama Bangs? Do you? What other options do we have? I've gotten my hair cut roughly the same way since I was six and have never thought that I have bangs; but now I'm convinced that I do."

Rather than explain and delineate 'Bama Bangs to the world at large, as was my intent, I had managed to confuse many who hadn't previously experienced 'Bama Bangs as to what exactly BB's were. Clearly, the world could not rest until ClayNation took on 'Bama Bangs with the detached scientific precision for which this column is known. I ask you to come along on a journey into the Southern male bang psyche.

Ideally this inquiry will become collaborative (the human genome wasn't decoded by only one person) with everyone contributing their knowledge. I believe it was Sir Isaac Newton who said, "If I have seen far it is because I have stood on the shoulders of giants." Newton didn't say it, but it's true that he also saw far because he did not have to worry about 'Bama Bangs blocking his vision.

All legitimate scientific inquiries begin with a definition. So here is mine: 'Bama Bangs is a hairstyle popular among Southern men between the ages of 12 and 26. It is characterized by an overabundance of bangs that lie upon each other like feathers from a mallard's flank and completely cover the forehead. While appearing to be extremely thick, the bangs are often lifted by wisps of air, which gives the appearance that the hair might actually be attempting to fly away.

Graphic illustrating the spread of 'Bama Bangs throughout the South.

'Bama Bangs are particularly prevalent among Southern male athletes. The hairstyle is believed to be the only 'do to legitimately require that the bangs be combed into the eyes as opposed to removed from in front of the eyes. 'Bama Bangs are rumored to account for approximately 38 percent of all teenage male traffic accidents in the southern United States, and Geico has recently begun requiring a 'Bama Bangs rider on all car insurance policies. It's rumored that former Alabama quarterback Brodie Croyle has recently been elected High Priest of the 'Bama Bangs Cabal and now presides over secret meetings. But this has not been confirmed.

Now that we've got the definition covered, it's important to acknowledge that 'Bama Bangs are slowly infiltrating the country. In other words, we need a map reflecting the range of 'Bama Bangs. While my initial column rooted 'Bama Bangs in the state of Alabama, I have received lots of e-mails suggesting that BB's actually began somewhere else and have migrated there. Hence my comparison last week to BB's as the equivalent of the killer bees that escaped from Brazil and slowly migrated up to North America. So I defer to my readers with their knowledge.

Wes Brister stated: "'Bama Bangs, while most prevalent in Alabama, have their roots in Mississippi. The hairstyle is referred to as "the Delta Boy Swoop" and is one of two hairstyles available in the area between the Mississippi River, I-55, Memphis and Jackson (the other is bald). As for the hairstyle's migration to central Alabama, I cannot opine, but as an insurance agent working in Birmingham, it's as important to doing business as a Country Club membership."

Rich Varner offered an echo of this opinion: "Clay, nice piece on the Auburn-LSU game, but you are dead wrong on the 'Bama Bangs (aka the Southern Swoop aka the Jackson swoosh) ... it's not just an Alabama thing and it's definitely a characteristic of the region. It takes no hair product, which is exactly the point because that's gay ... and for Yankees. By the way, in your pictures you appear to be wearing Adidas sandals, so I'm not sure if you can make fashion statements. Otherwise, good job."

According to several e-mails I received, 'Bama Bangs have also crossed over from Alabama into southwestern Tennessee. Most people traced this migration via Jackson or Memphis, Tenn.

Reader Shane Roberts wrote: "Clay, I just thought you might find it interesting that the 'do you christened 'Bama Bangs has been alive and well for over a decade in your own backyard. I myself sported the look while in high school back in the early '90s in Jackson. I picked it up from older athletes when I noticed it was perfect for athletic endeavors for guys who still wanted hair but as much breatheability as one could muster. It showed nicely poking out from football helmets and ball caps and gave a free-throw shooter something to casually toss from his eyes as he toed the line and did that backspin dribble thing with the ball.

"All the teams I faced in high school from around west Tennessee also sported the look. ... I also have two younger cousins, the eldest of which, true to form, played ball and pimped the backwards Tennessee Tophat while in high school. The youngest cousin is just now a freshman and while he doesn't quite have it yet (more like a ducktail up front), give him time. I know when he makes varsity, the bangs will happen."