The Iron Bowl is a large collection of well-mannered Alabamians who would just as soon kill each other as say hello. Only it's the South, so everyone is obligated to be friendly.
This rivalry is like strychnine in the morning coffee, sending someone upstairs to use your bathroom when two steps are missing without warning them, a pecan pie laced with arsenic and a passive aggressive research scientist's greatest laboratory. It's the only place on earth where "Howdy y'all" at a tailgate might be followed by an unfortunate punji stick trap.
| DIXIELAND DELIGHT COLLEGE FOOTBALL TOUR SCHEDULE | ||
| Date | Matchup | |
| Aug. 30 | Introduction | |
| Sept. 2 | Cal @ UT | |
| Sept. 9 | Auburn @ Miss. State | |
| Sept.16 | LSU @ Auburn | |
| Sept.23 | Alabama @ Arkansas | |
| Sept.30 | Bye week | |
| Oct. 7 | UT @ Georgia | |
| Oct. 14 | Kentucky @ LSU | |
| Oct. 21 | S. Carolina @ Vandy | |
| Oct. 28 | UT @ S. Carolina | |
| Nov. 4 | Georgia @ Kentucky | |
| Nov. 11 | S. Carolina @ Fla. | |
| Nov. 18 | Auburn @ Alabama | |
| Nov. 25 | Miss. St. @ Ole Miss | |
| Dec. 2 | SEC Championship | |
And, if you ever have a chance, you absolutely have to go.
Everywhere you looked in Tuscaloosa on Saturday, Auburn and Alabama fans interacted. That's what makes this rivalry the best in college football. There's no state line that can make one group safe from interacting with the other.
Your wife might be an Auburn grad, your grandfather an Alabama grad. At some point, everyone in Alabama has to pick a side. Abraham Lincoln, a man they still haven't forgiven in Alabama, memorably said that a house divided against itself cannot stand. Perhaps this is why so many people in Alabama live in mobile homes. I'm kidding, kidding. After all, some people live in apartments.
In Alabama, every house is divided. Somehow, some way if you live in the state, your blood seeps across the Auburn-Alabama divide. Even if you do your best to keep it from happening. And this means that what happens in this game can't be forgotten for an entire year and every defeat stings even worse because you can't avoid the people who want to talk about it all the time.
So Ohio State beat Michigan this week? Big deal. I'm heading up to Michigan for Christmas, and while I'm up there, I won't meet an Ohio State fan. Michigan lost, and everyone I celebrate Christmas with will wish Michigan had won. At no point will an Ohio State fan be able to pass the cranberries or excessively dot the "I" on a Christmas card. This doesn't happen in Alabama families. You legitimately live the loss.
In an effort to examine the subterfuge underlying all fan interactions at an Iron Bowl tailgate, here is a typical conversation between an Alabama and Auburn fan.
The parenthetical is what everyone wishes they could say:
Alabama fan: "Hey, good to see y'all again." (I wish you'd gotten a flat tire on the way to the game and Tommy Tuberville had gotten hit by a semi helping you change it.)
Auburn fan: "Hey, good to see y'all here too. Nice campus." (I hate you. Tuscaloosa smells like cat feces.)
Alabama fan: "Y'all been deer hunting this year?" (If only that orange you're wearing was just a little more understated, you might get shot.)
Auburn fan: "Naw, but man Jimmy's getting big. Pretty soon he's going to be playing for Alabama." (Your son is fat and Alabama's team is made up of other fat white boys. In reality I think your son plays the ninth lead in his high school's version of The Merry Wives of Windsor. That's real cool.)
