It’s Christmas, and if you’re anything like me, there’s a decent chance you’re staring at an outdated jersey featuring a player’s name from your favorite team who no longer plays for that team. Right now someone is reading this while stealing tearful glances at their Terrell Owens Eagles jersey lying forlornly on the eave of a fireplace. Maybe you’re even stifling back tears or finally convinced that Aunt Beatrice has finally cast the final die: That old bat never liked you. That’s because inevitably, sports fans get gifts that make no sense from people who aren’t sports fans. It’s the unwritten rule of Christmas giving: If you’re a sports fan, someone is going to give you a completely useless gift. I think this is why teams plaster their logos on every product on earth. Because they know people will buy them as gifts for sports fans.
Two years ago, I got an Eddie George Titans jersey. That was great. Swell even. The only problem was Eddie George was no longer a Titan. He played for the Cowboys. Nothing says, "Your present came from the remainder bin at Wal-Mart," like a jersey featuring a player who isn’t on your team anymore.
But it’s Christmas and the ClayNation column is nothing if not charitable, heart-warming and merry. We’re the Rudolph of sports columnists and that has nothing at all to do with the fact that my nose is always large and often red. Especially when, like now, I’m spending Christmas in Michigan where it’s always cold and the sun doesn’t exist. I’m even more charitable since I’ve spent several days watching A Christmas Story on constant repeat. So without further ado, here are the 11 greatest sports-related gifts of my life.
1. A Huffy bike: In 1987, Huffy bikes were the Porsches of elementary school. At least for middle-class kids in Nashville, anyway. It didn’t matter that we lived on a large hill that was so steep I could only ride in small circles in the back yard, or that I never really got good at riding bikes. I had a bike. And theoretically, I could go anywhere. Of course this was only in theory. When my wife and I visited Mackinac Island in Michigan where no cars are allowed and everyone traverses the island on bikes or horse-drawn carriages, I may have set a record for most embarrassing number of warbles. At one point, I spooked a horse and actually grazed it because when I go too fast, I freeze and forget how to stop. So I end up trying to put my feet down and skid to an extremely ungraceful stop. This was embarrassing; humiliating was when an old man carrying his golf clubs on a basket in front of his bike pedaled past me on a small hill.
2. Dukes of Hazard Sit-n-Spin: This was not to be confused with the Dukes of Hazard big wheel which I also had. Did anyone else have one of these things? It was for indoors and you sat on it and twisted the wheel and you would spin around like crazy. I used to put a paper sack over my head to make myself even dizzier. Then I would stand up and try to walk around without falling over. I had no idea at the time, but this was pretty good practice for both college and law school.
3. Balloons: It’s possible there has never been a kid who loved balloons more than I did. And these weren’t even the fancy helium balloons. The other day, my wife went to buy balloons and they cost about $20. I didn’t even know what to say. Balloons are $20 now? Can you fly in them? When I was young, my dad would blow up the cheap, colored balloons and we’d play a game to see how long we could hit the balloon back and forth before it touched the ground. Or we’d sit in the hallway and the game was to try and knock the balloon over the other person’s head and score a point. My dad had to sit still while I could eye gouge, punch and dive at will. When I was about four years old, I got a huge collection of unfilled balloons of varied colors in my stocking. I thought life could never be sweeter.
4. Boss Hog punching bag: This was one of those blow-up gizmos that -- when you punched or kicked it -- the thing would go down and then come right back up again. Mine featured Boss Hogg in a white suit holding a cigar and I never got tired of pummeling the Boss or talking trash before knocking him down.
5. Mini-UT basketball: Remember when you were too young to actually shoot a legitimate-sized basketball so you got one of those little ones? I loved this thing because all of a sudden I could shoot on a regulation basket. The only downside was you got cocky over how far out you could shoot from. And you ended up shooting with only one arm. But what a small price to pay for being able to shoot on a legitimate basket.
6. Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!!: This was the elementary school video game of all video games. Everyone had this. I remember Bryan Lassiter and his brother loved this game so much that his parents used to punish him and his brother by taking it away when they made bad grades. Only they’d both figured out some way to transfer games from one cartridge to the other. It wasn’t just the labels. They had some brilliant system. So they’d fail a math test and Mike Tyson’s Punch-Out!! would disappear. But we’d pop in Donkey Kong and next thing you know, Glass Joe’s on the screen and you’re working your way back up to Mike Tyson. His parents were none the wiser. I also loved the code here that would allow you to skip ahead to Mike Tyson. This, along with the Contra code that gave you unlimited lives, were like the Holy Grail of elementary school. There was nothing better. The adult equivalent to this discovery would be if somebody cured HIV and the DVR actually printed $100 bills of legal tender every time you used it.
7. Cincinnati Reds necklace pendant: I got this in fifth grade. Gold chains were really cool in fifth grade at Brick Church Middle School. And Cincinnati Reds center-fielder Eric Davis had one too. For the record, I also ended up with high-top cleats in baseball because Davis embraced them. This chain pendant was so cool. I remember I used to wear it with a Cincinnati Reds turtleneck. Oh, and I used to spike my hair but only in the part. Obviously, I was really cool also. Come ninth grade, I denied I ever owned this pendant along with a Beverly Hills, 90210 cast poster that was so old it featured the guy in the cowboy hat who shot himself. These are the only two things I’ve ever owned and then spent 10 years of my life denying I’d ever actually owned them. Then, one day, my parents were cleaning out our house and storing things in the trunk that were on their way to the dumpster. I opened the trunk to take out my shin guards for soccer practice and there was the Beverly Hills, 90210 poster on top of everything. Worst of all, most of my soccer friends were standing around and all saw it. This was the high school equivalent of opening the trunk of your car to uncover a dead body while you’re getting stopped for speeding. I still haven’t lived it down.
8. Strawberry Shortcake carrying case: OK, I know this has nothing to do with sports, but I feel like I should confess. The carrying case was, not surprisingly, shaped like a large strawberry and had all these places inside where you could store your mini Strawberry Shortcakes. I had an embarrassingly extensive collection of these things. Once, my younger sister and I got into a fight over who owned Rasberry Tart Skating. If you could plot my masculinity on a chart, I’m pretty confident this was the low point.
9. VCR Football: My dad and I played this game all the time. You would compete against one another by drawing cards that required you to pop in a VCR tape and see what the resulting play was. We got really competitive with this, recording every game along with the score in the box itself. We had like a hundred games worth of recorded history. Plus, the tape was limited so it got to the point where you could memorize the order of the plays. Pure torture was knowing the opposing team was going to recover your fumble for a touchdown on the next play and then having to push the play button and having to watch the game play itself out in agonizing detail. I still wake up sweating with memories of that squiggly line that always showed up when a VCR was paused.
10. Jake the Snake Plastic Wrestler: For some reason, certain WWF wrestling figures were impossible to find in Nashville, Tenn. Jake the Snake was one. The Honky Tonk Man and the British Bulldogs were others. Also, I never was able to find Miss Elizabeth no matter what. Not that I’m still bitter about that or anything. It just would have really made my Macho Man matches a lot more authentic. The local Toys R Us always had Hulk Hogan, Andre the Giant and Bobby the Brain Heenan. But if you wanted the others, you had to mortgage your soul. Then one Christmas, I got Jake the Snake. Unbelievable. I was ecstatic.
11. Daisy BB Gun: These were big in the South because, clearly, one never knew when it might be necessary to pelt some unsuspecting bird with BB pellets. Or when secession might necessitate someone taking up arms again. I only killed one thing with my BB gun. My friend Matt and I saw a snake in a small creek and shot the thing, conservatively, 14 million times. Even after that, the snake was still moving. There was this huge pile of spent BBs under the water beneath him. I didn’t know it then, but this performance qualified me to be a member of the NYPD.
So I just finished this column in Michigan where I’m spending Christmas and my wife sauntered in at the end of my reading it aloud to her and said, "I had Miss Elizabeth." I didn’t believe her until 10 minutes later when she had finished scrounging through her toys and brought in Miss Elizabeth. Yep, Miss Elizabeth herself ... in the plastic. So now, 17 Christmases later, I sort of have a Miss Elizabeth of my very own. See, sometimes Christmas miracles do happen.
