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This dizzying early-season trend of the two-headed quarterback reached new levels of incredulity Saturday night at Ohio State. The No. 14 Buckeyes beat No. 13 UCLA 42-20, proving only how meddling a mad scientist with a headset can be.

There were 62 points, 872 yards and five quarterbacks Saturday. We know only this: Ohio State sophomore Steve Bellisari "probably" will be the Buckeyes' starter next week against Ohio. Those are coach John Cooper's words and are definitely subject to change.

Other than that, well, you could have found case studies for schizophrenia on both sidelines. UCLA's Drew Bennett and Ohio State's Austin Moherman started. They were replaced, at various times, by Bellisari and Cory Paus.

The scoreboard within the scoreboard showed Bellisari a winner by TKO. When the sophomore wasn't directing five of Ohio State's six scoring drives, he was otherwise endearing himself to 93,000 Ohioans with old-time football. He had 50 yards scrambling and a crack-back block on an end-around that was the play of the night.

"No question he was our best quarterback tonight," Cooper said after Bellisari threw for 159 yards and two touchdowns. "We will have to look at the tape but he will more than likely be our starting quarterback next week."

This was Ohio State's get-well game if not get-a-quarterback night. In a loss to Miami in the Kickoff Classic, neither Moherman (10 of 22, two interceptions) nor Bellisari (six snaps, minus-3 yards passing) were impressive.

The way Cooper plays his quarterbacks, he's likely to keep on rotating as long as he has two able bodies. Can't someone just make a decision?

So desperate are Buckeyes fans for a decision on the starter that they shrieked in disbelief when Bellisari started to head toward the sideline in the middle of one drive. He's their man -- for now.

"Definitely," Bellisari said, "to a point."

Nothing is sure in this brave new world of indecision. Remember, this is the program that almost rode Stanley Jackson and Joe Germaine to a national championship. The key word is "almost" because Germaine by himself got just as far last year.

Never fear, folks, Bellisari (11 of 16) and Moherman (10 of 19, 107 yards) will be back to sharpen their stats -- if not skills -- in upcoming games against Ohio and Cincinnati. UCLA? With or without handicapped parking, the Bruins still have two average quarterbacks driving their offense.

Bennett (9 of 15, 138 yards), a junior, accounted for 17 of the Bruins' 20 points. Paus (8 of 20, 97), a promising redshirt freshman, led only a second-half field-goal drive. By the time Ohio State and UCLA sort out their quarterback "situations," counselors will be on hand to deal with the bereaved.

The shame of it is fans paid money to watch it. There have been NFL preseason games that have meant more. UCLA (1-1) is a cheap knockoff of its former self. It can still run up a lot of yards (365) and still has trouble on defense (507 against). Their best chance of winning is now the backup quarterback with the Chicago Bears.

Even UCLA's famous No. 8 couldn't help Saturday. Troy Aikman's number is famous but its latest wearer, junior Scott McEwan, isn't. He played a couple of snaps, got injured and left.

"Our youth showed up today," said UCLA coach Bob Toledo, even if 11 of his players didn't. The suspended players who used the handicapped parking passes was an excuse Toledo used only in passing. With or without them, the Bruins would have been beaten.

That's because this is not the UCLA team that came within a thrashing by Miami of going to the Fiesta Bowl. The Bruins are rebuilding. They bravely took their fragile program 2,500 miles east in the maw of Ohio Stadium. They bolted to a 10-0 lead. Offensive coordinator Alan Borges called a brilliant game.

Then Toledo stepped in and removed Bennett in favor of Paus. Maybe there's something about being so close to Hollywood that made Toledo stick to the script. Last week, Paus came in after three series and completed 12 of 18 passes against Idaho. This time he did the same and Paus stunk.

Toledo never should have pulled Bennett with the Bruins cruising along. It didn't necessarily cost UCLA the game but it might have cost Toledo some credibility.

"They knew what the plan was," Toledo said. "Bennett was going to play three series then Cory was coming in. We were going to see what happened at halftime and then make a decision from there."

The assumption in all this is that coaches know what they're doing. They try to tiptoe around psyches, morale, talent and angry players' fathers without upsetting the gentle balance of nature. Nebraska coach Frank Solich is so obsessed with keeping his two quarterbacks happy that press conferences are orchestrated.

Eric Crouch answered questions on Tuesday followed by Solich followed by Bobby Newcombe. That way neither quarterback had to be in the same room with each other.

You got that same feeling Saturday in Columbus. At no time were Moherman-Bellisari or Paus-Bennett seen together during their postgame comments.

Just don't get the impression that this a Clark Kent-Superman thing.