David Letterman provides a special Super Bowl XXXV Top 10 list. (Allsport)

No one is better at compiling lists than comedian David Letterman, who punctuates each episode of The Late Show With David Letterman on CBS with a distinctive Top 10. Leading off is a special Top 10 created just for Super Bowl XXXV. Following are some excerpts from his football-related lists and monologues.

SUPER BOWL XXXV TOP 10
From the home office in Wahoo, Nebraska...
Top 10 signs that your team won’t be winning Super Bowl XXXV:

10. Your star running back suffers a groin pull during the coin toss.
9. Players promise to go out and give 42 percent.
8. Your quarterback leaves after the third quarter to “beat the traffic.”
7. The team playbook is drawn on an Arby’s napkin.
6. The cheerleaders consist of two fat guys and the coach’s mom.
5. Your team is made up of the finest football players Belgium has to offer.
4. Dennis Miller decides you’re not worthy of an incomprehensible simile.
3. Your team’s last win came against the Baltimore Colts.
2. Your logo is Richard Simmons.
And the number-one sign your team won’t be winning the Super Bowl...
1. People from Florida are keeping track of the number of points scored.

The Best of David Letterman’s Lists

SIGNS YOU’RE AT A BAD SUPER BOWL PARTY
• Only snack is a tattered pack of lemon-honey throat lozenges.
• The TV is off, the disco is blaring, and everybody’s wearing leather.
• Host serves the sandwiches by hiking them between his legs.
• You know that eye black the players wear? They’re serving it on Wheat Thins.
• Host can’t go out for more beer because of electronic ankle bracelet.

PUNCH LINES TO DIRTY FOOTBALL JOKES
“No—I said, ‘Look at the size of Mike Ditka.’”
“Next time, moisten the needle before inflating.”
“She thought it was Jimmy Johnson’s hair.”
“For God’s sake, don’t spike it.”
“Dick Butkus.”
“And then the Viking nailed the Cowboy from behind.”

SIGNS YOUR NFL TEAM WON’T BE DOING WELL THIS SEASON
• Coach refers to Xs and Os as kisses and hugs.
• Instead of cooler of Gatorade, giant blender of margaritas.
• Team’s only playoff experience was in the Betty Crocker bake-off.
• Team’s new cheer includes “rebuilding season.”
• The players have gained so much weight they don’t need pads in their uniforms.

DALLAS COWBOYS CHEERLEADERS PET PEEVES
• Being charged by the airline for an extra seat for all of our hair.
• Getting in line at the concession stand behind John Madden.
• When Troy Aikman has a concussion and keeps calling you Larry.
• When you step in the stadium nacho cheese sauce and have to throw away your boots.
• Carpal tunnel pompon syndrome.
• After the crowd gives you a “C”and an “O” and a “W” and a “B” and an “O” and a “Y” and an “S” and you ask them what they have and they don’t know.

THINGS YOU DON’T WANT TO HEAR IN A HUDDLE
“Immigration just hauled off our kicker.”
“Hold me.”
“I think you’re using my mouthpiece.”
“Did I show you guys the complete line of Amway products yet?”
“You think that’s a groin pull—take a look at this.”

LEAST INSPIRATIONAL THINGS FOR A COACH TO SAY AT HALFTIME
“If you don’t mind, I’m leaving now for another appointment.”
“They may have the talent, size, and athleticism—but we got the headbands.”
“Who’s winning?”
“I just won Powerball. So long, suckers!”



New Year’s Eve in New York City in Times Square is really unbelievable…it’s like hundreds of thousands of drunks down there gathered around to watch them drop a ball. It’s like a Giants’ game.

What a crazy weekend! Here’s what you had: Of course, you had the war in Iraq that was going on...then, of course, you had the impeachment going on.That was a pretty big deal. And, of course, the big game with the Jets on Saturday. And it’s possible, when you’re trying to concentrate on all three of these events and run your own life that you can become confused, and for a time, this was my impression of what had happened: Congress voted two articles of impeachment, but voted down instant replay.

Over the weekend, the New York Jets and the New York Giants both lost. If you saw the games, you know that the Jets did not play very well and the Giants did not play very well. But, in their defense, I think they were still in shock from winning the week before.

I want to take a second here to congratulate the Green Bay Packers for winning, and also I want to congratulate the New England Patriots for having fans who don’t wear food on their heads.

I think the Pack is back, and I think that the people here in New York City are still excited about the Packers’ Super Bowl victory. This morning, coming to work, my cab driver—honest to God—was wearing a cheese turban.

You don’t have to have a big Super Bowl party to enjoy yourself. Here’s what I do every Super Sunday. I tip the Domino’s guy five bucks, and then he stays and watches the first half with me.

Here’s what I want to say about this snowball-throwing incident at Giants Stadium. It was ugly, it was embarrassing, they shouldn’t really be doing that. On the other hand, it was nice to see someone finally hitting the Giants’ receivers.