As the 2017 Major League Baseball season gets underway, we have a bevy of new ballpark foods that will be unveiled in the coming days and weeks. One might call it food porn, but we have to hashtag it in the Internet way: #foodporn. 

Note to ‘Too Cool Food Guy’: You’re gonna be overly busy here with your comments about how everything will immediately give someone a “heart attack” or “diabetes.” Make sure to throw in something uber-creative about how it looks “on the way out,” too. Everyone is always very impressed by you, so don’t let us down. 

We don’t have offerings from every team, but we have a variety of the craziest and best from around the country. 

Let’s dive in right away, as this is going to fill us up. 

Braves, SunTrust Park

There’s a scripted “A” pretzel, which is fun. 

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You’ll also find a Blackened Catfish Po Boy, in the form of three tacos. But the ridiculous attraction here is this: 

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That is the Tomahawk Chop Sandwich, a breaded and fried pork chop with collard green cole slaw and BBQ sauce. Does it look huge? It is. It serves four to six people and costs $26. Yowza. 

But we’ve only just begun. Onward!

Orioles - Oriole Park at Camden Yards

How about a Mac & Cheese Twister? You can get it with crab meat, buffalo chicken or pulled pork. 

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Definitely gives memories of “There’s Something About Mary” with the “meat in a cone” vibe, right? 

How about a Maryland spin on chicken tenders? The Chicken Tender Chesapeake has chicken tenders topped with crab dip. 

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I was surprised this one came from Baltimore and not Kansas City, but here’s the Burnt Ends BBQ Hot Dog: 

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White Sox, Guaranteed Rate Field

One of the new items has perhaps the best name, as the “Wok Off” features egg lo mein noodles, a fresh vegetable blend and grilled chicken in a garlic stir fry sauce. It’s prepared in a wok and served in Chinese to go containers.

Next, let’s check out “The Heater:” 

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That’s a jalapeno cheddar sausage topped with spicy cole slaw and sriracha mayo. We can go bigger, though. 

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Ooh la la. That would be the Triple Play. Smoked brisket, pulled pork and a jalapeno cheddar sausage. 

We can go bigger, though, with the Giant Smoky Pit Baked Grilled Mac & Cheese: 

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Sixteen inches of goodness there. 

Indians, Progressive Field

The Po Man is a true Cleveland classic, with potato and cheese pierogis and sauerkraut topping a smoked kielbasa. I love the look of this thing, too: 

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That’s the Taquito Dog with some nacho cheese dip. Hey, want a helmet full of smoked BBQ mac and cheese? They’ve got your back. 

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Brewers, Miller Park

There’s a new Root Beer Float, so that’s tough to ignore. Also, this Chorizo and Pico de Gallo Mac & Cheese looks killer: 

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Also, the AJ Bombers Milwaukee Burger has colby jack cheese, bacon and Schlitz onions. 

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Somewhat simple, comparitively speaking, but it looks delicious. 

Padres, Petco Park

There’s a fried chicken club sandwich with pineapple slaw, pickled fresno chilis, avocado and bacon.

Ever seen anything like this? PB&J wings. 

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I’ll generally try anything that isn’t from the sea, but man, I don’t know. Peanut butter and jelly flavored wings? I think I’d pass. If anyone could pull it off, though, it’s Petco Park, which has the best food in all of baseball. 

Speaking of, gimme the bacon-wrapped hot dog topped with carnitas: 

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Uh oh, Too Cool Internet Guy was just sent into overdrive there. A word of warning, sir: You better save your energy for the Rangers

Rangers, Globe Life Park in Arlington

You want sweet and savory together? They’ve got you with the Texas Snowballs. Brisket rolled into dough balls, dipped in batter and deep fried before being topped with powdered sugar. 

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We’ve only scratched the surface. 

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The Crunchy BBQ Burger has pulled pork and nacho cheese chips on top of the burger. 

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A Texas Chili all-beef hot dog topped with sweet and spicy kimchi chili, cilantro, teriyaki sauce and Fritos. 

There’s also a ridiculous Two-Step Texas Philly, which is sliced brisket, peppers and onions with nacho cheese. Oh, and it’s 24 inches. It’s also not the biggest thing available. 

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The M.V.T. is the “Most Valuable Tamale.” It’s the holdover Boomstick Hot Dog (24 inches) topped with chili, cheese and sour cream, This is absurd and looks absurdly good. It’s $27, but you need at least one friend to tackle this thing anyway. 

Cubs, Wrigley Field

Pig Candy BLT with dry rub mayo and balsalmic onions. 

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This next one has one of the best names. It’s Bao to the Pork: 

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That’s pulled pork with Asian sauce, pickled daikon and carrot, cucumbers and jalapeno relish.

Dodgers, Dodger Stadium

We’ve all heard about the famous Dodger Dog for years, but how about in burger form? 

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There are onion rings on there, too! It’s the Dodger Burger. 

On the flip side, there’s a Tuna Poke Bowl, fresh ahi tuna with carrots, edamame and soy dipping sauce. You can truly run the gamut there. 

Nationals, Nationals Park

Fittingly named, this is The Monument: 

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Onion rings and a DC Half Smoke on that cheeseburger. 

Marlins, Marlins Park

Fried chicken and pimento grilled cheese: 

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This seems like a simple yet incredibly effective idea: The Taco Dog. It’s a foot long. 

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Chili and pico de gallo, too! 

Diamondbacks, Chase Field

Strong work at usual from the people at Chase. We start with a bacon-wrapped pretzel baguette, stuffed with ham and swiss. The dipping sauces are honey mustard and jalapeno ranch. 

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Next up, the Chicken Funnel Cake Sandwich. That’s strawberry-granny apple jam on top of the chicken. 

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That would admittedly be a lot to take. But we aren’t done. Not by a longshot. 

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Say what? 

That’s the Chicken Enchilada Dog. It’s 18 inches with chicken enchilada sausage topped with queso blanco, pico, olives, sour cream and tortilla strips. 

We’ll close with my pick for the top dessert: 

And next, the top food offering in all of baseball: 

Holy Hell to the YES, Kauffman Stadium. Beautiful. 

You’re up, Too Cool Internet Guy.