is over, and that, quite obviously, means it's time to rank the most aesthetically pleasing names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 40 rounds.
Yes, we have done the yeoman's work of giving expert and thorough consideration to the entire database of 1,214 names in order to determine the 25 most soaring names of all. What follows is our authoritative ordering of those names.
We're also listing each young man's draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, this person exists and lives and breathes among us, thus making us better as a people. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination -- i.e., what each name sounds like. We come not to mock, but rather to celebrate.
Now let us begin ...
25. Samuel Stoutenborough, No. 1201, Angels
Sounds like: Connecticut-based, craft-brewed imperial porter. Bitter finish with notes of oak, cherry, essential founding documents, and maritime doubloons. Must call customer service in order to have ABV disclosed.
24. Alex Royalty, No. 253, Indians
Sounds like: Brand of argyle golf knickers. Available for $9.99 at Kohl's. Also informal pejorative for anyone who returns argyle golf knickers to Kohl's for any reason other than incorrect sizing.
23. Brock Deatherage, No. 285, Tigers
Sounds like: Speed-metal frontman with an exoskeleton. Unbeknownst to fans of his band Gouge Orc, "Hail Satan" tattoo across bridge of nose is temporary. Actual name Durbin Feltman (No. 100, Red Sox).
22. Nelson Mompierre, No. 860, Mets
Sounds like: Lord High Admiral who, with his eyes pressed tightly closed, stands in the captain's quarters and plays minor-chord dirges on the violin while naval battle rages above on the deck of the HMS Sincere Smith (No. 967, Yankees).
21. Slade Cecconi, No. 1135, Orioles
Sounds like: Formula 1 driver who uses steak sauce as aftershave and aftershave as steak sauce.
20. Bobby Honeyman, No. 868, Mariners
Sounds like: Bodice-ripping smokejumper who's documented on the back of one of his pay stubs an observed relationship between eye color and zodiac sign. Banned by a series of local ordinances from any state that doesn't end in "i" or "a" on account of his seductive wiles. Surname pronounced "honeyMAN."
19. Cre Finfrock, No. 866, Blue Jays
Sounds like: Beloved local Eurasian sparrowhawk capable of doing a spot-on imitation of late English actor John Hurt.
18. Elijah Pleasants, No. 1082, Royals
Sounds like: Puritan minister with a sterling reputation throughout the colony. Heaven forfend they discover what's in the hayloft.
17. Owen Sharts, No. 959, Rangers
Sounds like: Locally sourced Dangerous Teen. Passed Algebra II only because he extracted such a promise by putting Mr. Crumbaugh in a figure-four leglock during a parent-teacher conference.
16. Braxton Cottongame, No. 1213, Indians
Sounds like: Repo man, except for private luxury aircraft. Based in Florida.
15. Blaze Alexander, No. 339, Diamondbacks
Sounds like: Credited with more than 4,000 yards rushing across three NFL seasons until a pre-camp physical revealed him to be a roofless dune buggy with rear-mounted engine.
14. Connor Van Hoose, No. 247, Yankees
Once promising nephew of Leopold I who was disowned after suggesting that the lion on the House of Habsburg coat of arms appeared to have just farted.
13. Steele Walker, No. 46, White Sox
Sounds like: Sum buck ineligible to be deputized on account of prior felony arrest for doing knuckle push-ups at a tent-revival worship service. His jawline, however, is running unopposed for sheriff/Utmost Lawman of Boone County.
12. Arbert Cipion, No. 275, Brewers
Sounds like: Exploratory spacecraft that becomes self-aware and begins unsanctioned journey back to earth with designs on hovering menacingly above Super Bowl LVI while flashing inscrutable patterns of flashing lights and blasting harpsichord music.
11. Terrin Vavra, No. 96, Rockies
Sounds like: Subclavian artery responsible for supplying blood flow from fingertips to video game controller.
10. Pablo O'Connor, No. 821, Nationals
Sounds like: Fake name spontaneously offered up when Owen Sharts was spotted by Steele Walker's jawline late at night rolling an old refrigerator down that hill on River Road. "All right, O'Connor," said Walker's jawline. "Be at the station tomorrow to wash my cruiser and we'll forget about this." Sharts agreed to the stated terms. Both knew he would not show up.
9. Cash Gladfelter, No. 808, Mariners
Sounds like: Youngest and most affable of the Gladfelter Boys but also the one you can least trust after sundown. Career record of 104-188 in outdoor fistfights versus his older brothers but 12-0 when brawling indoors.
8. Willy Joe Garry Jr., No. 274, Twins
Sounds like: Local freelancer who typically rests his head in unincorporated Boone County, but sometimes where the day is spent dictates where the night is spent. Pay his rate, and he'll take care of that sh*t for good and all -- the particulars of that sh*t don't rightly matter -- and leave you with a construction barrel full of illegal corn liquor.
7. Bryce Montes de Oca, No. 260, Mets
Sounds like: Sun god who also pledged Sigma Chi.
6. Jax Biggers, No. 239, Rangers
Sounds like: Problematic former governor of Alabama. Has a dam, a high school football stadium, a breed of coonhound, and an aftermarket propane tank manifold all named after him.
5. Chandler Champlain, No. 1141, Angels
Sounds like: Oversexed international jewel thief. Signs INTERPOL confessions with a plumed quill.
4. Coco Montes, No. 456, Rockies
Sounds like: Veteran cruise ship entertainer perpetually within 11 minutes of giving up on his dreams of something better. "Sir, are you Coco Montes?" he was recently asked during a Martinique port of call. "Ask me something that matters," he said.
3. Gunnar Troutwine, No. 258, White Sox
Sounds like: Absolutely yoked hobbit.
2. Rayne Supple, No. 396, Rockies
Sounds like: Personal lubricant to the stars formerly endorsed in print ads by Richard Dawson and or web site blocked by each member company of the S&P 500.
1. Lars Nootbaar, No. 243, Cardinals
Icelandic star of subtitled Netflix police procedural (spoiler: the hotelier's wife murdered the fishmonger). In lieu of internal organs, he has a creamy nougat center.
People, this has been what it has been -- nothing less and certainly nothing more.