Top 25 most awesome names of the 2015 MLB Draft
Let us now declare which of the more than 1,000 names selected in the recent First-Year Player Draft are the greatest of all.
Baseball's First-Year Player Draft is over, and that, quite obviously, means it's time to rank the most aesthetically pleasing names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 40 rounds.
Yes, we have done the yeoman's work of giving expert and thorough consideration to the entire database of 1,215 names in order to determine the 25 most soaring names of all, and what follows is our authoritative ordering of those names. We're also listing each young man's draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, someone actually has that soaringly perfect name. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination -- i.e., what each name sounds like.
Now let us begin ...
1. Earl Burl III, No. 902, Blue Jays
Sounds like: New Orleans-based session saxophonist. Often obliged by poker losses to cool his heels in Key West. Made love in every European capital over a three-month period in 1964.
2. Skye Bolt, No. 128, Athletics
Sounds like: Norse god of making out with cheerleaders.
3. Rock Rucker, No. 595, Reds
Sounds like: Sum buck capable of driving a rebuilt Olds 88 with all four windows rolled down from Memphis to Omaha in three hours flat. Once fended off seven attackers with nothing more than a crescent wrench and severed deer head.
4. Scooter Hightower, No. 457, Pirates
Sounds like: Perpetually sunburnt kid who had the preponderance of a mustache and rode a Kawasaki dirt bike to school in the eighth grade.
5. Jagger Rusconi, No. 141, Red Sox
Sounds like: Name on fake ID in Passaic, NJ, circa 1977.
6. Kerby Camacho, No. 320, Twins
Sounds like: Birth name of Q*bert arcade game protagonist.
7. Cody Brickhouse, No. 456, Giants
Sounds like: Only kid at Adlai Stevenson Middle School capable of bullying Scooter Hightower. Just got expelled for having a throwing star in his locker.
8. Kade Scivicque, No. 130, Tigers
Sounds like: Full-bodied Malbec that received 92 points from Wine Spectator. Also a devastating submission hold.
9. Tucker Tubbs, No. 261, Red Sox
Sounds like: Candidate for sheriff of Calhoun County. Intends to prevail regardless of actual vote count.
10. LaMonte Wade, No. 260, Twins
Sounds like: Hombre who maintains a moonshine still behind the old train depot. Business interests compel him to see that Tucker Tubbs is damn well elected sheriff.
11. Dansby Swanson, No. 1, Diamondbacks
Sounds like: Parliamentarian with perfect hair and a loose hold on his basest urges. His marriage is one of convenience without actully being all that convenient.
12. Peter Fairbanks, No. 258, Rangers
Sounds like: Yachtsman with a past. And an eyepatch. That thing that he did? He's going to get away with it.
13. Landon Lassiter, No. 622, White Sox
Sounds like: Oversexed cat burglar who owns an alarming number of tuxedos.
14. Rayne Supple, No. 1,133, Cubs
Sounds like: Human embodiment of a dolphin tattoo on the ankle of an exotic dancer.
15. David Graybill, No. 276, Giants
Sounds like: Peter Fairbanks' biographer. No longer welcome at any East Hampton Garden Club event.
16. Witt Haggard, No. 299, Mets
Sounds like: Bad seed who has no intention of going quietly when Sheriff Tucker Tubbs shows up to serve that warrant. Doesn't wear an eyepatch but probably should.
17. Bowden Derby, No. 188, Athletics
Sounds like: Annual sculling meet between Royal Bourboncaster and Overduncanmeade -- two elite Suffolk boarding schools.
18. Lance Thonvold, No. 725, Mariners
Sounds like: Bachelor with some ideas on how to monetize his ability to do heavy bicep curls while standing on a waterbed.
19. Gentry Fortuno, No. 541, Brewers
Sounds like: Solidly performing equity fund, albeit heavy on fees. Also name of top-selling Botany 500 double-breasted jacket from 1982-84.
20. Chandler Eden, No. 512, Blue Jays
Sounds like: Century 21 real estate professional with a body wave. Often mistaken for actor on As The World Turns. Sometimes, he doesn't correct them.
21. Logan Lombana, No. 740, Twins
Sounds like: Lance Thonvold's roommate. Also name of Redondo Beach-based manufacturer of miniature cocktail umbrellas.
22. Adam Choplick, No. 408, Rangers
Sounds like: Living, breathing, sentient steakhouse.
23. Dalton Geekie, No. 660, Braves
Sounds like: High-end external hard drive. Comes with decorative Emoji stickers.
24. Bucket Goldby, No. 1,166, Marlins
Sounds like: Loose-cannon hobbit whose final words will be, "Watch this sh*t."
25. Desmond Chumley, No. 838, Rays
Sounds like: Ancient and palpably unsettling Anglican minister with sunken eyes. Also possibly a cannibal.
Until next year, people.
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