We ranked the 25 most soaringly awesome names of the 2016 MLB Draft
Let us now declare which of the more than 1,000 names selected in the recent First-Year Player Draft are the greatest of all
Baseball's 2016 First-Year Player Draft is over, and that, quite obviously, means it's time to rank the most aesthetically pleasing names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 40 rounds.
Yes, we have done the yeoman's work of giving expert and thorough consideration to the entire honking database of 1,206 names in order to determine the 25 most soaring names of all, and what follows is our authoritative ordering of those names. We're also listing each young man's draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, someone actually has that soaringly perfect name. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination -- i.e., what each name sounds like. We come not to mock, but rather to celebrate.
Now let us begin ...
25. Montana Parsons, Cubs, No. 914
Sounds like: Bro-country performer who reached No. 11 on Billboard country chart with the hit single, "My Beer Went to Jail." He's also a horse.
24. Dakody Clemmer, Indians, No. 572
Sounds like: Tugboat with nothing left to lose.
23. Dalton Moats, Rays, No. 450
Sounds like: Brand of frozen fish sticks currently under sweeping and urgent product recall.
22. Jonathan Murders, Cardinals, No. 946
Sounds like: The guy who lives in the windowless house next door. After the fact, a local television field reporter will learn that he never said much and kept to himself.
21. Corbin Clouse, Braves, No. 799
Sounds like: A vampire's butler.
20. Clate Schmidt, Tigers, No. 595
Sounds like: German profane utterance. Roughly translates as: "Your !@#$%& looks like a &%$#@!."
19. Shamoy Christopher, Twins, No. 603
Sounds like: Two-person "yoga position" favored by yachtsmen.
18. Beau Capanna, Red Sox, No. 628
Sounds like: All-inclusive resort in Turks and Caicos. One Yelp reviewer blamed the house rum after he wound up in international waters on a pool raft.
17. Trek Stemp, Rays, No. 870
Sounds like: German profane utterance. Roughly translates as, "And now I shall !@#$%& your &%$#@! with a !@#$%&."
16. Logan Ice, Indians, No. 72
Sounds like: Big Pharma CEO who wears an eyepatch. Helipad at HQ is adorned with his LinkedIn headshot. Doesn't need the eyepatch and real name is Garth Baloney.
15. Granger Studdard, Red Sox, No. 658
Sounds like: Sheriff of Castaneda County. Under the impression he'll be running unopposed for re-election.
14. John Hammer, Rockies, No. 710
Sounds like: Homicide detective hellbent on stopping Jonathan Murders. Chief told him to hand over badge and service revolver after saying Hammer made this one personal and you can never make it personal. Hammer drove deep into the hills above the city and watched the lights of downtown. He took a drag from his smoke, and muttered, "clate schmidt trek stemp" under his breath and decided then and there to get this guy, even if it meant working off the books.
13. Nelson Mompierre, Diamondbacks, No. 1139
Sounds like: Promiscuous 16th century explorer. Established first brothel on the St. Lawrence Seaway.
12. Mason Studstill, Indians, No. 662
Sounds like: The reason Granger Studdard won't be running unopposed for Sheriff of Castaneda County. Holsters his .38 only when brawling at church.
11. Jay Jabs, Mets, No. 520
Sounds like: Great jab, sure, but it was no match for Jonathan Murders' unchecked bloodlust and lovingly sharpened cargo hook.
10. Jackson Pokorney, Braves, No. 859
Sounds like: The guy you need to talk to if you want to rent out the Elk's Lodge for Barney Stamper's retirement party.
9. Abraham Toro-Hernandez, Astros, No. 157
Sounds like: Alias used by Engelbert Humperdinck when making hotel reservations.
8. Samuel Tidaback, Cubs, No. 644
Sounds like: Furious Puritan minister. When visited by impure thoughts of Helen Burgess, he'd beat himself with a still-hot roasted pig.
7. Louis-Philippe Pelletier, Astros, No. 607
Sounds like: Head concierge at Beau Capanna. Descendant of Jean-Sebastien Pelletier, who in 16th century opened a rival brothel on St. Lawrence Seaway.
6. Ulysses Cantu, Indians, No. 182
Sounds like: Anti-hero who killed Batman -- the Ben Affleck version, obviously -- by running him over with a chariot.
5. Carter Kieboom, Nationals, No. 28
Sounds like: Talking, animated stick of dynamite used in local TV spots for Honest O'Trusty's Demolition Services.
4. Cade Cabbiness, Cardinals, No. 646
Sounds like: Session jazz drummer. Knows where to find opium in Montreux.
3. Edmond Americaan, Diamondbacks, No. 839
Sounds like: Sum buck Uncle Sam calls when he's in a tight spot. Drives a 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS 454 with the doors welded shut and long-range dreadnought gunnery mounted on the hood.
2. Pasquale Mazzoccoli, Pirates, No. 1065
Sounds like: Strain of gram-positive bacteria that became a pandemic when the Shamoy Christopher made its way from the yachts to the inland nightclubs following Dennis Conner's America's Cup win in 1987.
1. Handsome Monica, Braves, No. 979
Sounds like: Gender-bending grappler on the Georgia Championship Wrestling circuit from the early- to mid-1980s. Heel status was cemented when he choked out Gordon Solie with an article of L'eggs hosiery and a pageant sash. Real name was Larry Jack Gustafson.
Until next year, people.
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