ATLANTA -- Ladies and gentleman, it's officially Super Bowl Sunday, although I don't think that sentence technically applies to anyone in the state of Louisiana since you guys are still trying to figure out who won the NFC title game.
For the sake of my Super Bowl pick, I'm going to go ahead and assume the Rams are NFC champions and that's mainly because the Saints haven't practiced in 10 days, which kind of makes me think they've given up and accepted their loss, unlike the fans in New Orleans who have filed a lawsuit to try and get the NFC title game replayed.
If you asked me, instead of suing the NFL, the fans in New Orleans should think about suing Drake, because it was kind of his fault that this all happened, and that's because the Drake curse is real: If he wears your favorite team's logo, there's a 100 percent chance they're going to lose.
In the photo above, it's not a coincidence that the bottom two teams on his shirt lost.
Does that mean the Patriots are next? Well, i mean, if you read the headline to this story, then you already know what my answer is, so let's just get to the Super Bowl pick and make it official.
From Gladys Knight's anthem to who will score first to Maroon 5 to the Super Bowl MVP, get everything you need to make the right picks for Sunday in our Ultimate Super Bowl Props guide.
Actually, before we get to the pick, here's a quick reminder to check out the Super Bowl picks from all of our other CBS Sports NFL writers, which you can do by clicking here. If that's not enough Super Bowl content for you, then I recommend clicking here and subscribing to the Pick Six Podcast. Will Brinson, Ryan Wilson and I are spending the week in Atlanta together and we'll be punching out podcasts every day, which means more me, which kind of means everyone wins.
Alright, I've delayed long enough, let's get to the Super Bowl pick, because the faster we get there, the faster I can mentally prepare for all the hate mail I'm going to get from Patriots fans.
Super Bowl LIII Pick
New England Patriots (13-5) vs. Los Angeles Rams (15-3)
TV: 6:30 p.m. ET, CBS
Line: Patriots, -2.5 points
No matter what happens on Sunday, history is going to be made at the Super Bowl. If the Patriots win, then Bill Belichick will become the oldest head coach ever to win the NFL's biggest game. On the other hand, if the Rams win, then Sean McVay will become the first Millennial ever to win a trophy that's not a participation trophy.
For the Rams to pull off the upset, they're going to have to do two things: Stop the run and put pressure on Tom Brady. That second factor is arguably the more important one and if you need proof, just pop in a tape of any Patriots Super Bowl loss since 2000. They're all basically the same: Brady gets beat up for four quarters and the Patriots come up just short in the end. The problem for New England is that the Rams have a human being on their team who was biologically designed to destroy opposing quarterbacks.
I know that tweet says to say one prayer, but I think I'm going to say two to be safe.
Although Brady hasn't been sacked during the postseason, he hasn't gone up against anyone like Aaron Donald, who, as you can see in the photo above, is basically half-man, half-tank. I have no idea if it's actually scientifically possible to be half-tank, but I'm assuming it is because Donald exists. The Rams defensive lineman racked up 20.5 sacks this season, which led the league and broke the NFL record for defensive linemen. Of course, the Patriots could just end up designing a game plan that keeps things away from Donald, but that won't be very easy to do because Ndamukong Suh has suddenly decided to be relevant again. Suh had 1.5 sacks against the Saints in the NFC title game, which us a huge number when you consider that he only had 1.5 sacks over the final 11 games of the season.
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Of course, if Donald can't get to Brady, there's always Plan B for the Rams.
I asked Wade Phillips about planning for Tom Brady in the postseason and what’s the plan this time around. He told me his plan is to get an earpiece with Tony Romo in it to tell him what’s going to happen before each play.— James Palmer (@JamesPalmerTV) January 29, 2019
For the Patriots, they need to make sure that the Rams don't run all over them. The Rams had the third-best rushing attack in the NFL in 2018 and they'll be going up against a Patriots defense that gave up 4.9 yards per carry this season. If that sounds like a lot, that's because it is: It was tied for the third-worst number in the NFL.
That being said, if I've learned one thing from watching the Patriots play in the Super Bowl eight times, it's that there's a 100 percent chance this game is going to go completely off the rails. Every Patriots Super Bowl with Brady has been decided by one score with an average margin of victory of just 4.25 points. I don't know if there's going to be an interception at the one-yard line or a 28-3 second half comeback or a helmet catch, but something crazy is going to happen and we should just probably start mentally preparing for it now, just like we should start mentally preparing for McVay, who is now the frontrunner for Millennial of the year, to become the youngest Super Bowl winning head coach in NFL history.
After watching Millennials kill most of the economy, including department stores, chain restaurants, the diamond industry, the cereal industry and I think even American cheese, I think we're about to watch a Millennial kill one more thing: the Patriots dynasty.
Super Bowl LIII Pick: Rams 30-27 over Patriots.
Record picking Patriots games straight-up this season: 11-7 (includes 1-1 in playoffs)
Record picking Patriots games against the spread this season: 10-8 (includes 2-0 in playoffs)
Record picking Rams games straight-up this season: 13-5 (includes 0-2 in playoffs)
Record picking Rams games against the spread this season: 9-9 (includes 0-2 in playoffs)
Best pick: Two weeks ago for the AFC title game, Iwould throw more interceptions than touchdowns and that Sammy Watkins would lead the Chiefs in receiving yards, and the reason you're reading about those amazing predictions instead of my actual game predictions is because I don't want to re-live the horror story of my championship game picks, and I don't think anyone in New Orleans or Kansas City wants to re-live those picks either. Instead, I'm dedicating this week's "best pick" section to Tony Romo. As a matter of fact, we might just have to rename this entire section after Romo because predicting things seems to be his strong suit.
Romo will be calling his first Super Bowl on Sunday, which I'm only mentioning because it means you'll still have a reason to watch even if you hate the Patriots and don't care about the Rams, which basically describes roughly 40 percent of the country.
Worst pick: So after thinking about it, I've decided that I do want to re-live the horror story of my championship game picks and that's because I'm bitter -- probably not as bitter as Saints fans -- but I'm still bitter. Yes, I went 0-2 with my picks, but I'm putting an asterisk next to that 0-2 because I would have gone 1-1 if Dee Ford didn't inexplicably jump offsides to negate a Tom Brady interception in the fourth quarter of the Chiefs' loss and I would have gone 2-0 if anyone on the Rams-Saints officiating crew knew what pass interference was. From now on, I think my personal rule going forward will be that if a game ends with so much controversyget filed and 760,000 to get that game replayed, then I'm allowed to use an asterisk, and I think my rule is already kind of catching on because it appears the New Orleans Advocate is also using asterisks now.
Alright everyone, that's it for this year's picks. My contract says I'll be back next season, so I'll see you then.
Straight up in championship round: 0-2*
SU overall in playoffs: 3-7*
Against the spread in championship round: 1-1
ATS overall in playoffs: 5-5
Final 2018 regular-season record
Straight-up: 166-88-2 (Ranked 22nd overall on Pickwatch)
Against the spread: 123-126-7
Exact score predictions: 2
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter or even Instagram and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably trying to find all his participation trophies so he can have the world's most successful Millennial autograph them.