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Instead of celebrating Christmas on Monday, I decided to study up on NFL playoff scenarios. Sure, that sounds slightly crazy, and yes, my family disowned me, but it was all worth it because I think I figured out every last possible scenario that could possibly have any ramification on this week's picks.

If you've looked at a calendar at any point over the past 24 hours, then you might have noticed that we're headed into the final week of the regular season. If you were extra observant, you might have noticed that the final day of the season falls on Dec. 31, which means we all survived 2017! Of course, that almost wasn't the case for everyone who attended the Broncos-Redskins game because I'm pretty sure Kirk Cousins tried to blow everyone up Sunday. 

If that propane tank would've exploded I think it would've just been a metaphor for the current relationship status of Bill Belichick and Tom Brady's trainer, except maybe you add four more explosive propane tanks, a stick of dynamite and a small grenade. 

I bet Belichick has been calling up the 49ers every night for the past three weeks trying to get Jimmy Garoppolo back. I mean, Jimmy definitely doesn't need a personal trainer -- his handsomeness is clearly all natural. 

Anyway, Belichick might be feuding with Brady's trainer, but one person he definitely isn't feuding with is the NFL's vice president of officiating. They're obviously best friends because I'm pretty sure that's the only way to explain how every controversial call in every Patriots game this season has somehow gone in their favor. 

The latest was a touchdown catch by Kelvin Benjamin that was definitely a touchdown catch except that it didn't end up being a touchdown catch because the NFL overturned the call. 

I was watching that game with a drunk friend and even he knew it was a touchdown. I'm not sure exactly what that means, but I think it means the NFL should be slightly concerned that a drunk person knows the rule book better than the guy who runs the officiating department. 

If I was the NFL's head of officiating, my New Year's resolution would be to learn the NFL rule book. Also, since I'm handing out ideas, the Browns' resolution for 2018 should be to actually win a game; Kirk Cousins' resolution should be to not blow up propane tanks; and Jimmy Garoppolo's resolution should be to become slightly less handsome so that we all have a chance in life. 

Alright, I've stalled long enough, let's get to the picks. Actually, before we get to the picks, here's your weekly reminder that you can check out the picks from every CBSSports.com NFL Expert by clicking here.

The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because it's the final week of the regular season and if you don't check them out now, you'll regret it for the rest of the year. Sure, there's only a few days left in the year, but you don't want to take regret like that into 2018. My astrology birth chart says that's a horrible idea. 

One more reminder before we get to the picks: Due to the fact that we're heading into the most confusing week of the regular season, you'll notice that the picks are set up slightly different this week. 

NFL Week 17 Picks

Cleveland (0-15) at Pittsburgh (12-3), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): If I was in charge of flexing games, there is a 1,000 percent chance that I would've moved this game to prime time Sunday. I understand why the NFL decided not to have a prime-time game this week, but they definitely dropped the ball by not having the Browns play at night. 

This game has more plot lines than "Love Actually" and they're all equally entertaining. I could probably name 25, but we'll stick with four because my fingers are cramping up due to all the egg nog I drank over the weekend. 

Browns-Steelers storylines: 

  1. If the Steelers win, they could steal home-field advantage if the Patriots lose to the Jets. 
  2. The Browns could become just the second team in NFL history to finish 0-16
  3. Hue Jackson could get fired because you should definitely be fired if you go 0-16. 
  4. Hue Jackson could end up in Lake Erie. 

That last one sounds completely made up, but IT'S NOT. After leading the Browns to a 1-15 record in 2016, Jackson actually promised to jump in Lake Erie if he led them to another 1-15 record in 2017. 

As you can clearly see, there would have been zero downside to putting this game in prime time. Getting drunk and watching the Browns lose is basically a birth right in Cleveland and the rest of America could've joined them for this one game. I can't think of a better way to ring in 2018. 

Basically, the NFL missed out on the chance to give fans the best New Year's Eve ever. I mean, just think about it: If the Browns win, we get live postgame coverage of Hue Jackson jumping in Lake Erie. If the Browns lose, then they finish 0-16 and we give them a participation ribbon, only instead of a participation ribbon, it's actually a parade for going winless. Millennials will love it, especially since it's actually happening: Browns fans are going to go through with the parade if the team goes winless. 

I'm not about to rain on Cleveland's parade, so I'm going to say this 0-16 celebration happens. 

The pick: Steelers 30-20 over Browns

Carolina (11-4) at Atlanta (9-6), 4:25 p.m. ET (Fox): This is basically a playoff game for the Falcons and if I've learned one thing about the Falcons, it's that they thrive in playoff games as long as that playoff game isn't the Super Bowl. Part of the reason I like the Falcons in this game is because I'm not completely convinced the Panthers are going to go 100 percent here. Based on some math I just did in my head, the Panthers have about a five percent chance of winning the NFC South and I think Ron Rivera knows that. If I'm Rivera, I rest everyone and spend the entire week game-planning for a wild-card game. Also, I have Cam Newton's son teach everyone on the team at least three dance moves.

That's so adorable, I almost want to pick the Panthers to win. 

The pick: Falcons 27-24 over Panthers

Week 17 picks where I'm not sure who to pick because one of the teams will likely be resting some of its starters

Jacksonville (10-5) at Tennessee (8-7), 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): No game has me more confused in Week 17 than this one. The Jaguars have nothing to play for, which means they could end up benching their starters, which might actually be a good thing because I'm not sure I would want Blake Bortles anywhere near the field after his three-interception performance against the 49ers. Now, here's where things get murky: I have to pick a winner between the Titans and the Jaguars BACKUPS and I still can't decide who to take.

Even if the Jags bench most of their starters, they can't bench their entire defense, which means they'll likely still be good enough to shut the Titans down. The smartest thing the Titans could do in this game is give the ball to Derrick Henry on every play, but Mike Mularkey never does the smart thing, which is why I can't pick the Titans, even though a win would put them in the playoffs. I'm starting to think I drank too much egg nog at Christmas dinner because I'm about to pick Jacksonville's backups over a desperate Titans team that needs a win to keeps its season alive. Yup, I'm doing it. 

The pick: Jaguars 23-20 over Titans

Other picks where one team will likely be resting its starters

Broncos 19-13 over Chiefs (Chiefs are locked into the No. 4 seed in the AFC)

Cowboys 27-17 over Eagles (Eagles are locked into No. 1 seed in NFC)

Week 17 picks with playoff implications for only one team  

New Orleans (11-4) at Tampa Bay (4-11), 4:25 p.m. ET (Fox): In the final week of just about every single NFL season ever, there's almost always at least one upset that's completely inexplicable. This won't be that upset. 

This will be the third week in a row that the Bucs have faced a divisional opponent and If the past two weeks are any indication, Jameis Winston will likely throw for 510 yards, lose two fumbles, throw one interception, suffer a meltdown and lose by three points. 

My biggest takeaway from that video is that if there's ever a Hunger Games-style tournament that features all 32 NFL quarterbacks, I'm betting all my money on Winston to win. However, on this game, I'm going to do the opposite. 

The pick: Saints 31-23 over Buccaneers

Oakland (6-9) at L.A. Chargers (8-7), 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): There were a lot of bad decisions made in 2017 -- for instance, I wasted two hours of my life watching the new "Smurfs" movie in April. But no decision was worse than Bills coach Sean McDermott's crazy choice to bench Tyrod Taylor and let Nathan Peterman start against the Chargers in Week 11. If you don't remember that game, or if you're a Buffalo fan who has repressed the memory because it gives you raging night terrors, that was the game where Peterman threw five interceptions in a 54-24 Bills loss. I'm only bringing that game up because if the Chargers and Bills both win Sunday -- and the Titans lose -- then the Chargers will get in the playoffs due to their head-to-head win over the Bills. In what would be the most Bills thing ever, Buffalo could end up missing the postseason because McDermott was crazy enough to start Peterman. 

So will the Chargers beat the Raiders?

The good news for the Chargers is that over the past three weeks, Derek Carr has basically been playing like Nathan "Five Pick" Peterman, which is why I'm going with L.A. here. I'm also picking the Bills to beat the Dolphins, and if you've read this far, you mighgt have noticed that I'm not picking the Titans, which means I'm banking on the Peterman game being the final tiebreaker for the last AFC playoff spot. I want the Peterman decision to live in infamy forever. 

The pick: Chargers 27-17 over Raiders

Other picks: 

Bills 20-16 over Dolphins (Bills need to win to have any shot of making the playoffs)

Vikings 24-13 over Bears (Vikings clinch first-round bye with win)

Patriots 27-13 over Jets (Patriots clinch home-field advantage with win)

Ravens 23-20 over Bengals (Ravens clinch playoff berth with win)

Seahawks 29-20 over Cardinals (Seahawks clinch playoff berth with win plus Falcons' loss)

Rams 30-27 over 49ers (Rams can clinch No. 3 seed in NFC with win)

NFL Week 17 picks: No playoff implication picks

(Returning bad Christmas gifts would be more exciting than watching these games)

Lions 20-17 over Packers 

Colts 22-19 over Texans 

Redskins 23-16 over Giants 

Last Week

Best pick: In my Week 16 picks, I predicted that the Saints would beat the Falcons at home and then the Saints went out and beat the Falcons at home. Now, did I know that Marshon Lattimore was going to "clench" the win by intercepting a pass with his butt? Of course I did.

If the Falcons are playing, you can almost guarantee that something weird is going to happen and nothing is weirder than a guy getting burnt on a route, falling to the ground and then intercepting a pass with his butt. If you somehow missed the play because you're family banned you from watching football on Christmas Eve, here's what you missed. 

After watching that interception, there's a 100 percent chance I'm going to ask Santa for a "Buns of Steel" VHS next Christmas. I'll probably also ask him for some Bitcoin, but I'm not sure he knows what that is. On the other hand, maybe I don't even need that Bitcoin because I'm pretty much set for life after winning a fantasy football league for the first time ever. To everyone in the "This Ain't No Trust Fund" league, thanks for letting me win this year. My self-esteem is already way up. 

Worst pick: Last week, I decided to underestimate Jimmy Garoppolo and let me tell you, that's the last time I'm ever going to underestimate the best football player/handsomest man on the planet. 

First, it's practically not even believable that I had the gall to underestimate Garoppolo, who happens to be a two-time Super Bowl winner who likes to drink on Christmas ... 

Instead of picking his team to beat the Jaguars, I went with the team (Jacksonville) that's never even been to a Super Bowl and probably doesn't even like to drink on Christmas. Garoppolo has only started four games for the 49ers and judging by reaction in San Francisco so far, he's already halfway to getting his own statue there. 

I'm not sure if it's physically possible to make a statue that handsome, but by God, I see no reason why we shouldn't try. By the way, I'm not sure what kind of contract Garoppolo is going to get at the end of the season, but if non-handsome quarterbacks are pulling in north of $20 million per year, then Garoppolo has to be worth at least $3 billion. 

Finally, if you guys have ever wondered which teams I'm actually good (or bad) at picking, here's a quick look. 

Teams I'm the best at picking this year: Browns (13-2), Saints (12-3), Cardinals (12-3)

Teams I'm the worst at picking this year: Jaguars (5-10), Broncos (6-9), Rams (6-9)

Every other team is somewhere in the middle.

Note: Fortunately for all of us, I'm not 0-15, 1-14 or 2-13 or 3-12 or 4-11 picking any team this year

Picks Record

Straight up in Week 16: 11-5

SU overall: 151-89

Against the spread in Week 16: 7-8-1

ATS overall: 114-115-11

You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably trying to come up with a New Year's resolution.