After going 12-4 with my picks in Week 1, I decided to jump on the crazy train and pick the Rams to win this week.
Now, I decided to point that out in the first sentence here so that CBSSports.com doesn't get inundated with emails telling us that there's a giant mistake in our headline because no one would ever pick the Rams to beat the Seahawks, especially after what happened Monday night.
If you live on the East Coast and went to bed before the Rams-49ers game ended, here's everything you missed from the Rams offense. It literally fits into one tweet.
All of Rams offensive drives today:— NFL on ESPN (@ESPNNFL) September 13, 2016
-Turnover On Downs
-End of Game
The most exciting play in the entire game didn't actually involve anyone playing in the game: It involved a random fan who decided to run on the field. Generally, I'm against when fans run on the field, but when your only two choices are watching the Rams offense or running on the field, I can't blame you for taking option two.
Kevin Harlan is a national treasure: pic.twitter.com/CQFjPxkTMX— Dieter Kurtenbach (@dkurtenbach) September 13, 2016
By the way, if Westwood One radio announcer Kevin Harlan doesn't win some sort of award for the dramatic call in that clip, then we as a society truly need to re-evaluate what winning an award really means because no one deserves one. I don't care if we give him an Oscar, or an Emmy, or a Grammy, just give him something. It doesn't even have to real, we can make the award up now.
On the other hand, the NFL probably isn't going to be giving any awards to the two officials below from the Browns-Eagles game. You would think the easiest part of being an NFL ref was signaling whether or not a field goal went through the uprights. Apparently, that's not the case though.
when life is full of ambiguity and there are no essential truths pic.twitter.com/YvVODGBoeR— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) September 11, 2016
As it turns out, the easiest part about being an NFL official is getting to work any game that Cam Newton plays in, because then you don't ever have to worry about throwing a flag.
Cam newton nearly died playing on Thursday night and flags were not thrown. Brown twerks after a TD and gets a flag 🤔🤔— The Sheriff (@TheRealMirzet) September 13, 2016
I'll be honest -- I promised myself I would work the word "twerks" into the picks this week, so now that I nailed that, we can move on. I wanted to get it out of the way early, and thanks Antonio Brown.
Anyway, let's get to the Week 2 picks.
Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here. The reason you should click over this week is because apparently, CBSSports.com Fantasy football guru Jamey Eisenberg knows just as much about actual football as he does about Fantasy football. Jamey went 13-3 with his picks in Week 1.
OK, hopefully I sucked up enough there and Jamey will actually come through with that Jesse Eisenberg autograph I've been asking for since 2012 (they're cousins).
Time to watch @FallonTonight where Jesse Eisenberg apparently talked about my son and showed a picture of him in a Superman shirt.— Jamey Eisenberg (@JameyEisenberg) May 2, 2015
Alright, let's get to the picks.
Week 2 Picks
New York Jets at Buffalo, 8:25 p.m. ET (Thursday, CBS/NFL Network/Twitter): During the offseason, the NFL invented something called the Tri-Cast, which is the league's fancy way of saying "Millennials don't use their TVs anymore, so we're going to put this game on Twitter so that someone under the age of 30 actually watches." Basically this means that the Jets-Bills game will be televised on CBS, NFL Network AND live-streamed on Twitter. The bad news here is that the game won't be shown on MySpace, which means the Chargers and that Tom guy wont't be able to watch, which makes me sad just to think about.
launched a myspace page for the Chargers and we are going to hit 400 friends today for sure— San Diego Chargers (@Chargers) March 7, 2007
On the other hand, maybe the Chargers and Tom are the lucky ones because Thursday marks the first "Color Rush" game of the year. If you somehow managed to miss it the last time the Bills and Jets played in a "Color Rush" game, I'm not going to rehash it here, but let's just say that it was a bigger disaster than Taylor Swift's last three relationships.
Due to the "Color Rush" jerseys, color blind people had no idea what was happening on the field, which was almost ironic because sometimes I feel like neither the Jets nor the Bills have any idea what they're doing on the field.
Anyway, I should probably get to my pick now. Rex Ryan went 2-0 against the Jets last season and still seems kind of bitter about the way his time in New York ended, so basically, my plan is to pick any Ryan-coached team over the Jets in any picks column for the rest of time.
The pick: Bills 22-17 over Jets.
Cincinnati at Pittsburgh, 1 p.m. (CBS): I'm not saying that this should be the "Harambe Memorial Game," but I think Steelers linebacker Vince Williams is trying to say that because why else would you send out the tweet below.
Yes, that is a real tweet. Also, that real tweet is how you know this is the craziest rivalry in the NFL. I mean, when you're taunting the other team with tweets about deceased gorillas, that clearly means your rivalry has gone completely bonkers.
You could put an actual Bengal tiger on the field this Sunday and it wouldn't make the series any more crazy than it already is.
If you didn't keep track of this series last year, here's a friendly reminder that everyone who plays in these games seems to either get fined or hurt. Ben Roethlisberger, Andy Dalton, Le'Veon Bell and Antonio Brown were all injured in a Bengals-Steelers game last year. Not to mention, half of both rosters pretty much ended playing in each Bengals-Steelers game for free because of the roughly $740,000 in fines that were handed out over the course of the final two games these two teams played last season.
This might be the first revenge game ever where both teams want revenge, which makes picking this game kind of difficult. You know what though, Cincy has an impressive one-game winning streak going on in Pittsburgh, so I'm just going to assume it keeps going.
The pick: Bengals 27-24 over Steelers.
Miami at New England, 1 p.m. ET (CBS): I learned a very important thing about the Patriots in Week 1, and that thing is that I'm pretty sure they could start a sock puppet at quarterback and Bill Belichick could still coach them to a win.
The Patriots had no Gronk, no Brady, no Solder, no Vollmer and no Dion Lewis. To be honest, the odds were so stacked against the Patriots that I almost felt like I was watching the movie 300. Somehow, despite the odds, the Patriots still managed to win and spite me for what I wrote last week.
If you found this story by accident, here's what I wrote last week:
"Every time I underestimate the Patriots and pick them to lose in prime time, Bill Belichick rubs it in my face. I don't have the actual numbers in front of me, but I'm pretty sure that anytime I've ever picked the Patriots to lose a prime-time game over the past three years, they've ended up winning."
Well, I picked the Patriots to lose, and they won.
I've learned my lesson.
If Jimmy Garoppolo gets suspended and the Patriots have to start Jacoby Brissett, I'm still going to go with the Patriots. As a matter of fact, the only way I won't pick the Patriots is if Fake Tom Brady starts, because that guy's creepy.
The pick: Patriots 24-20 over Dolphins
Seattle at Los Angeles, 4:05 p.m. ET (Fox): I'll admit it guys, the fact that I sat through the entire Rams-49ers game Monday night and am still picking the Rams to beat Seattle this week doesn't really make any sense. It's like the time I walked out of The Smurfs movie in 2011 convinced that Katy Perry was going to win an Oscar for voicing Smurfette. Do they even give out an Oscar for doing voice-overs? I have no idea, just like I have no idea how Jeff Fisher still has a job.
All I know is that as long as Fisher is the head coach in L.A., which might be forever, the Rams are good for two things: They'll finish 7-9 and they'll somehow manage to upset the Seahawks at least once a season. Since 2014, the Rams are 3-1 against the Seahawks and 10-18 against everyone else.
I'm 99 percent sure Fisher only game plans for Seahawks games and then lets elementary school kids game plan for the rest of the season. That would definitely help explain their 28-0 loss to San Francisco on Monday.
Anyway, a healthy Russell Wilson has trouble beating the Rams, so I'm just not sure how a gimpy Russell Wilson is going to be any better.
The pick: Rams 16-13 over Seahawks
Green Bay at Minnesota, 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC): You probably won't believe this, but once in awhile, I actually like to do research before making my picks, so that's what I did before picking the winner here. You see, my first instinct in this game was to pick the Vikings because they're opening a new stadium and no one loses when they're opening a new stadium, right?
Since 2008, NFL teams have gone 1-4 in their first game played at a new stadium. If my college calculus professor were here, he would probably tell me that that's a small sample size and I should just ignore it. However, I never really paid attention in calculus because not knowing math is pretty much a prerequisite for becoming a writer.
Anyway, here's one number I do know: Aaron Rodgers is 5-1 in his past six games played in Minnesota. You know what, forget the numbers, I'll be honest, I just don't want to pick Shaun Hill or Sam Bradford to beat a team quarterbacked by Rodgers.
The pick: Packers 23-20 over Vikings.
Week 1 picks: All the rest
Panthers 30-17 over 49ers
Chargers 24-20 over Jaguars
Best pick: Last week I picked the Packers to beat the Jaguars by four and then the Packers went out and beat the Jaguars by four. I'm pretty sure the only reason I got the pick right is because it's fate's way of saying that I should include a picture from the Jaguars pool every week. I mean, who doesn't want to see a picture from the Jaguars pool every week?
Without further adieu, let me present our newest feature: The weekly pic from the Jaguars pool!
The guy in the middle isn't even smiling. How could you be in that pool and not be smiling.
Some day, I'll have season tickets there.
On a somewhat related note, there's a good chance that the "Weekly pic from the Jaguars pool" doesn't actually become a weekly thing. However, "Let's all admire the floating Tiki Hut outside of EverBank Field" might become a thing in its place.
They have a pool and a floating bar in Jacksonville. The NFL really should just move every team there.
Worst pick: Even though the Browns have lost every regular-season opener since 2005, I still decided to pick them to win in Week 1. Did I know that RG3's shoulder was going to fall off? Of course not, but since this is the Browns we're talking about, I probably should've assumed it was going to happen.
To be honest, the Browns losing to a QB they didn't want to draft because he wasn't good enough for the Browns was the most Browns thing ever.
If I have the Browns' luck this week, I'll go 0-16 with my picks and get diagnosed with carpal tunnel syndrome 10 minutes after I turn them in to my editors.
Straight up in Week 1: 12-4
SU Overall: 12-4
Against the spread in Week 1: 7-9
ATS Overall: 7-9