If you haven’t been living under a rock since early February, you know that the jersey Tom Brady wore during the New England Patriots’ rollicking, come-from-behind victory in Super Bowl LI was stolen from his locker shortly after the game. It’s become a fairly big deal since then, with minute-by-minute timelines narrowing down who might have taken it, the Texas Rangers (both kinds) getting involved in the search, conspiracy theories that it might not have been stolen at all popping up, and most recently, the classification of the theft as a felony

Well, that’s not enough for Brady, who has apparently taken matters into his own hands. How? Well, he went and created his own conspiracy theorist suspect board, because why wouldn’t he?

Wow. That’s some real Burt Macklin stuff right there. Among Brady’s chief suspects:

  • Julian Edelman (aka “Sneaky Lil Squirrel”) 
  • Gollum
  • The guy from “Game of Thrones” who stole Khaleesi’s dragons
  • “Prison Mike” from “The Office”
  • Lady Gaga 
  • Jaws
  • The O’Doyle family from “Billy Madison” 
  • The clown who stole “Air Bud” 
  • That weird drawing of him from the Deflategate trial
  • Gary Oak (I think this is a Pokemon guy?)
  • Scooby (no word on if it’s the dog from the “Scooby Doo” show or just an actual dog named Scooby)
  • Crab people

The key here is to figure out who had means, motive, and opportunity to steal the jersey. Let’s narrow this sucker down a bit. 

The warlocks from “Game of Thrones” are definitely creepy, but they’re also dead, so they’re out. (Sorry about the spoiler but they got got like four seasons ago. Catch up.) 

Gollum (and I had to look this up because I’ve never read “The Hobbit” or seen any “The Lord of the Rings” movies) can’t be trusted, as Brady said, but “loves rings” doesn’t qualify as a motive because a jersey is not a ring, and also, he’s dead, too. 

The clown who stole Air Bud’s name is Norm Snively, and he was arrested for animal cruelty back in 1997. The actor that portrayed him, Michael Jeter, passed away in 2003. I don’t think he did it. 

O’Doyle rules, sure, but the entire family drove off a cliff in 1995. It’s frankly a little ridiculous that Brady included so many suspects that are no longer alive. 

Gary Oak is a bad kid and says “smell ya later” but he lives in Pallet Town, which is nowhere close to Houston, the scene of the crime. 

The drawing of Brady from the Deflategate trial is a drawing and does not have the ability to actually steal things. That’s just silly. If “creepy me” means Brady is including himself as a suspect, that means it’s possible the jersey wasn’t actually stolen and Brady himself has it. If that’s true, he could be looking at charges for filing a false report. He better hope this one isn’t true. 

Jaws has a violent history and takes things without asking but is also a shark and would probably die if it was on land long enough to steal the jersey. Same goes for the Crab People, I think. Scooby doesn’t have opposable thumbs. 

This leaves us with three potential suspects. Ranked from least likely to most likely:

3. “Prison Mike” aka Michael Scott, former regional manager of the Scranton, PA branch of Dunder Mifflin. Michael is happily married to Holly Flax and has two entire phones’ worth of pictures of his children so it may seem like he doesn’t have a motive, but the Scott family does live in Colorado. It’s possible they became Broncos fans and came to hate the Patriots so much that Michael went crazy, left his family alone on Super Bowl Sunday, broke into the locker room, and stole the jersey. Means and opportunity are difficult to prove and the motive is flimsy, but he’s at least alive and a human person so he makes the list. 

2. Lady Gaga. She had both the means and the opportunity to commit the crime, as she was in Houston and at NRG Stadium for the Super Bowl. ( She killed it at halftime.) The only question here is the motive. Gaga was born and grew up in New York. Maybe she hates the Patriots. She also guest starred on “The Sopranos”
when she was younger, playing one of A.J. Soprano’s friends from school. Maybe they stayed in touch, A.J. surprisingly grew up and joined the family business, and a still-alive Tony sent her to the Super Bowl as a mole to get the jersey. It’s possible.

1. Julian Edelman. Edelman had the greatest access to the jersey, as he was actually in the Patriots’ locker room after Super Bowl LI. He had the means and the opportunity. As Brady says, Edelman is a Sneaky Lil Squirrel. The “loves rings” motive is nonsense, as discussed above, but it’s possible Edelman make a little extra cash (one of the best receivers in the league, Edelman is only on a four-year, $17 million deal) or merely messing with his friend. The huge edge in opportunity for Edelman to steal it is what really makes him the top suspect.