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Arizona Cardinals
To not crush Larry Fitzgerald's spirit
Seriously, how is Larry Fitzgerald still playing for the Cardinals? That sort of loyalty is nearly unheard of in today's NFL, especially when you consider how many mediocre Cards teams he's played for in his career. Fitz is one of the all-time greats and one of the easiest guys to root for, so it's a bummer he hasn't won a Super Bowl. It's like watching a good friend keep going back to a significant other you know isn't right for them. You know they're in love, but the other person is only going to let them down. Here's to hoping Fitz doesn't get hurt too bad.
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Atlanta Falcons
To avoid another crushing disappointment down the stretch
LOL good one.
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Baltimore Ravens
To simply sneak into the playoffs
The Ravens haven't been overly impressive this year -- at least not on the offensive side of the ball -- but they have a good shot to sneak into the wild-card picture. They have a favorable schedule down the stretch and the AFC isn't exactly stacked this year. Their only goal should be to just get in, then hope Joe Flacco finds his elite gene.
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Buffalo Bills
To not insult Tyrod Taylor any further than they have already
Tyrod Taylor has managed to keep the Bills in the AFC playoff picture despite a lack of weapons and an even bigger lack of confidence from his coaching staff. It seems pretty hard to insult a guy more than benching him for a rookie who threw five interceptions in one half of football, but you never know -- the Bills could hire a busboy from TGI Friday's and hand him the reigns. Nothing is impossible in Buffalo.
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Carolina Panthers
To secure the No. 2 seed in the NFC
If the Panthers can lock up a first-round bye, that's one less Cam Newton gameday outfit we have to be subjected to.
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Chicago Bears
To get John Fox fired
Harsh, but fair. The Bears seem to have found a semblance of a good thing in Mitchell Trubisky, so it seems the only logical next step is to run John Fox out of town before the coach can ruin him. Embrace the tank.
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Cincinnati Bengals
To save Marvin Lewis' job
The Bengals seem insistent on keeping Marvin Lewis in charge for-ev-er, despite toiling in mediocrity. They're still mathematically in the playoff hunt but they've got a very tough road ahead if they hope to sneak in. However, a simple 8-8 finish should be enough to earn Lewis a 25-year contract extension in the offseason.
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Cleveland Browns
To go 0-16
If you're going to suck, you may as well commit to sucking. There's nothing historically significant about going 1-15 and pride is overrated, so the Browns better really keep their eyes on the prize. Plus, going winless guarantees them the top overall pick in the draft, which they can then flip to continue avoiding the franchise quarterback they so desperately need.
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Dallas Cowboys
To stay above water until Zeke returns
The Cowboys have been one of the league's most surprising disappointments this season, and things have only gotten worse with their biggest weapon, Ezekiel Elliott, out of the lineup while serving a suspension. However, there's still hope. Dallas is still mathematically in the playoff picture and Elliott is due to return in Week 16. If the Cowboys can manage to stay alive until then, Jerry Jones might find a way to forgive Roger Goodell after all if Zeke and the Boys make the playoffs.
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Denver Broncos
To convince John Elway to suit up
You know how some people say "the best offense is a good defense?" Well, those people are liars. The best offense is one not led by Brock Osweiler, Trevor Siemian and Paxton Lynch. You can't win without a good quarterback, it just so happens the Broncos' only good quarterback is their general manager. Gotta get him back on the field.
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Detroit Lions
To justify the Matt Stafford contract
The Lions made Matt Stafford the highest-paid player in the history of the NFL over the summer because, in all honesty, what other options did they have if they wanted to lock him up and remain competitive? Stafford has had a good season, but it's relatively bad optics if you give your franchise quarterback the richest contract in league history and then immediately miss the playoffs. The Lions have got to get in.
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Green Bay Packers
To force an Aaron Rodgers comeback
The Packers have hung around and remained relatively competitive in the absence of Aaron Rodgers, enough so that they're still in the playoff hunt. If they can continue to do that, Rodgers may be able to return from his collarbone injury in the final few weeks of the season to help them clinch a berth. If they slip before then, there's no reason to bring him back.
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Houston Texans
To tank for the future
Yes, it's a tough pill to swallow when you're still technically in the playoff picture, but the Texans have had terrible luck with injuries and we all know they're not going anywhere this year. They may as well just pack it in, make sure nobody else important gets hurt, and maximize their draft position to help build towards a bright future with Deshaun Watson at the helm.
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Indianapolis Colts
To hang another banner
They may finish in the basement of the AFC South, but they tried their best and had fun out there. The "2017 AFC Participants" banner ceremony & pizza party should be a good time.
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Jacksonville Jaguars
To rediscover what it feels like to be relevant
The Jags haven't made a playoff appearance in a decade and have yet to win a division title in franchise history. They have a chance to erase both of those droughts this year if they finish strong. Are you ready for the teal to be for real?
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Kansas City Chiefs
To get their offense back on track
The Chiefs were once the NFL's hottest team at 5-0 and Alex Smith looked like he might play himself into an MVP discussion. Now, Kansas City has lost five of their past six and Smith might be on the verge of being benched in favor of rookie Patrick Mahomes. They've got to right the ship and figure out who gives them the best chance to win before it's too late.
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Los Angeles Chargers
To convince people they're worth the price of admission
The Chargers have a losing record but -- thanks to the Chiefs' stretch of ineptitude -- they realistically could still win their division and get favorable playoff seeding. But even if they do, will anybody care? The Chargers have been a tough draw in Los Angeles so far, struggling to fill their tiny, 27,000-seat stadium. (It probably doesn't help that the Rams have been very good.) If you score home-field advantage in the wild-card round and don't sell out a soccer arena, is it even home-field advantage? The Chargers need to fight for relevance and support in LA.
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Los Angeles Rams
To fight for playoff seeding
The Rams are tops in the NFC West but have a relatively tough schedule to close out the season, so securing a first-round bye could be tough. Still, they're gonna want to really fight for the best playoff seeding possible, especially considering some of their young guys -- i.e. Jared Goff and Todd Gurley -- are heading toward their first postseason experience. Home field advantage in the wild-card round would certainly help them out a bit.
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Miami Dolphins
To get their money back from Jay Cutler
Not to pile on, but seriously…10 million dollars? For this? Usually you need Danny Ocean to pull off that kind of heist. The biggest highlight of Cutler's career is convincing the Dolphins he came out of retirement.
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Minnesota Vikings
To stay hot
The Vikings are one of the league's hottest teams heading into the stretch run and they're going to need to continue riding that streak if they want to lock up a first-round bye and home-field advantage. They'll have their work cut out for them considering they've got some tough opponents lined up, but if they finish among the NFC's top two then heading to Minnesota to face that defense will be an absolute nightmare draw in the second round.
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New England Patriots
To prove they're still the AFC's best
After a bit of a shaky start, the Patriots have overcome some significant injuries and still manage to sit among the AFC's best. But some people are suggesting that the Steelers might be a better team than New England, so the Patriots will have to remind everyone that they're still the Patriots -- aka the team to beat in the conference. They've got a December matchup against the Steelers that could determine who gets crowned as top dog.
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New Orleans Saints
To survive their division
The Saints are right smack in the middle of the most brutal division race of the year and their remaining schedule isn't exactly forgiving. Four of their last five games are divisional matchups, with one against the Panthers, two against the Falcons and one against the Bucs. That's going to have to run the gauntlet if they want to finish with favorable playoff seeding, or even make it at all.
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New York Giants
To not let Ben McAdoo turn the whole operation into a tire fire
Whoops, too late.
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New York Jets
To remind us all how bad they are
With four wins, the Jets have already exceeded most people's preseason expectations. Plus, the Giants have already appeared to lock up "Most Embarrassing New York Football Team" for this season. So, with that in mind, the Jets can give themselves a nice little pat on the back and stop overachieving. It's all about draft position now.
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Oakland Raiders
To protect Michael Crabtree's chain
If the Raiders hope to get into the postseason, Derek Carr is going to need his weapons down the stretch. This means Oakland can't allow Michael Crabtree to keep getting his chain snatched and fighting his way into suspensions. Protect the chain --> protect Crabtree --> protect your chances.
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Philadelphia Eagles
To keep Carson Wentz healthy
Things have been going great for the Eagles this year ... almost TOO great, in fact. It'd be hard to blame Philly fans if they felt uneasy about something going wrong down the stretch ... it's only natural. The Eagles' goal should obviously be to keep the NFC's top spot and ensure home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, but the biggest priority should be protecting Carson Wentz at all costs. That's the primary step in making sure this season doesn't unravel on them.
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Pittsburgh Steelers
To secure the top seed in the AFC
If Pittsburgh gets home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, it'll be way harder for Bill Belichick to jam their headsets and/or pump sleeping gas into their locker room.
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San Francisco 49ers
To usher in the Jimmy G era
The 49ers season is all but in the toilet at this point, but that doesn't mean their remaining games are meaningless. The Jimmy Garoppolo era is finally here, so it'll be a good chance to evaluate the guy the Niners hope will be their quarterback of the future. And while it will be key to get Garoppolo some experience, they also need to make sure he stays healthy and ready to lead them beyond this year. They'd do themselves quite a favor if they can protect that valuable arm ... and, of course, that handsome face.
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Seattle Seahawks
To just get in
The Seahawks are still in the NFC hunt but a tough November has chipped away at their room for error down the stretch. That conference is very unforgiving this year, so Seattle will have to put up a good fight to avoid missing the postseason for the first time in six years ... even though that's the fate they deserve for wearing those toxic green uniforms.
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Tampa Bay Buccaneers
To play the role of spoiler
The Bucs are all but out of the race in the NFC, but they can still do some damage and throw a real wrench in the plans of their upcoming opponents. To close out the season, Tampa will face Green Bay, Detroit, Atlanta, Carolina and New Orleans -- all teams that are still currently in the hunt for playoff spots. There's nothing more hilarious than a bad team screwing everything up for a bubble team, and the Bucs have a great opportunity to spoil some postseason plans to close out the year.
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Tennessee Titans
To win the division
The Titans haven't been to the playoffs in nearly a decade, but they've got a shot to win the AFC South and host a playoff game this year. That title race looks like it will come down to Tennessee and Jacksonville, and both teams are scheduled to meet for a Week 17 game that could have major postseason implications. The good news for the Titans is that they beat the Jags easily in their first matchup and the rematch will be on home turf in Tennessee. It could be time for Marcus Mariota & Co. to make a statement.
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Washington Redskins
To convince Kirk Cousins to stick around
How the Redskins finish out this season could have a significant impact on the franchise beyond just this year. The team has done a terrible job of making quarterback Kirk Cousins happy and there's a pretty good chance he could bolt in free agency this offseason. However, if the team manages to finish strong, make the playoffs and provide a glimmer of hope for the future, it could go a long way toward convincing Cousins to stick around. Then again, so could a decent contract extension.
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