NHL Playoffs 2018: One reason to root against every team in the Stanley Cup playoffs

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The Stanley Cup playoffs are here, meaning one of the most gloriously intense postseasons in all of sports is upon us. There's a good chance you know which of the 16 teams you're going to be rooting for this spring, but I'm here to spoil your fun and tell you why you're wrong. Unless, of course, you're looking for one reason to root for every team

If you're on the fence about where your allegiances should lie, then consider yourself blessed because I'm here to tell you which teams to avoid. (Spoiler: It's all of them!) Surprisingly, there are a number of very likable teams in this year's bracket, which really leaves a miserable hater like me in a tough spot. 

But don't worry...nobody is perfect, and where there's a will, there's a way. It's time to go over a very serious list of reasons why you should be actively rooting against every team.

Anaheim Ducks

Reason to root against them: Their villainous core

That's right, folks....Ryan Getzlaf, Ryan Kesler and Corey Perry are still Ducks, and if that's not enough to make you root against them...well, you're probably from Anaheim or thereabout. For better or for worse, those guys know how to get under the skin of opponents, especially when it comes time for the postseason. They'll show up to the arena in a car with "doors that go like this" (where my Russ Hanneman people at?) and you'll just think to yourself, "Man, I hate that guy." And you do. Also, those uniforms...they suck.

Boston Bruins

Reason to root against them: Brad Marchand

Nobody outside of Boston fans roots for Boston to win anything anymore, but it's particularly easy to root against the Bruins because of Marchand. While Marchand is a highly-skilled, highly-productive member of the Bruins' top line, he's also one of the league's most notorious pests and turd-stirrers. He's the definition of a guy you love to root against.

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Brad Marchand, the one guy every NHL fan outside of Boston loves to hate.  USATSI

Colorado Avalanche

Reason to root against them: Matt Duchene's wellbeing

Imagine being the guy who complained his way out of Colorado because he wanted to be on a good team, only to get traded to the Ottawa Senators? In a three-team trade with the Predators, no less? Talk about your all-time backfires. You reap what you sow, but just know that a deep run from the Avalanche might actually destroy Duchene's soul. You'll have to decide if you can live with that on your conscience. 

Columbus Blue Jackets

Reason to root against them: Angry John Tortorella

The more the Blue Jackets lose, the better the chances we get to see Coach Torts fly off the handle and turn into an absolute madman -- one of the most entertaining and pure spectacles in all of hockey. The memories of a Stanley Cup run will obviously be great for the city of Columbus, but the memories of a historic Torts meltdown will be great for everyone else. Don't be selfish and ruin things for the rest of us. 

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Let's go! USATSI

Los Angeles Kings

Reason to root against them: The celebrity bandwagon

Every time the Kings make a deep playoff run, we're all subjected to a bunch of celebrities (and "celebrities") being shoved down our throats on national television broadcasts. Listen, I love Tom Hanks as much as the next guy, but I don't need a constant reminder that his son and some guy from one season of "Gossip Girl" are really loving all this hockey! The only celebrity hockey fan I care about is Cuba Gooding Jr. because that guy is as likely to lose his mind as John Tortorella. 

Minnesota Wild

Reason to root against them: Boooooooring 

Listen, I like the Wild's roster and Minnesota is one of the best hockey states in America. But holy hell this team is boring and unspectacular. There's nothing to hate, but there's not much to love either. I sat here staring at a screen for a minimum of 30 minutes just trying to think of something mean or snarky to say about them, and this is literally the best I've got. That's reason enough to not root for them.

Nashville Predators

Reason to root against them: They're the trendy pick

The Preds are stacked and they won the Presidents' Trophy as the league's top regular season team this year. They made a strong run to the Stanley Cup Final last year and they're even better this year, so it's no surprise that a ton of people have them as their pick to win it all. If you're the kind of person who just likes to watch the world burn, sit back and root for a crushing Nashville loss to destroy plenty of brackets. 

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Sorry, but the Preds bandwagon is already full.  USATSI

New Jersey Devils

Reason to root against them: Edmonton has had a rough enough year already

The Oilers carried so much momentum and promise into this season...and then this season actually happened. Edmonton fans have already been forced to come to grips with the fact that their team stinks again, all the while watching Taylor Hall put together a Hart-worthy campaign in New Jersey. Now you want to make them watch Hall almost single-handedly lead the Devils on a deep playoff run? You want them to log onto Twitter and see "the trade is one-for-one" retweeted onto their timeline over and over and over again? That is pure evil, and I have no choice but to respect it.

Philadelphia Flyers

Reason to root against them: Too much Philly success this year

Eagles. Villanova. Flyers? A third championship for Philadelphia this year will just leave the city in ruins -- although that could be considered a plus, depending on who you ask. Regardless, the prospect of a deep Flyers run (and possibly a deep Sixers run on top of that) is just too much success too fast for Philly. Are you ready to live in a world where the people of Philadelphia have that kind of power?

PIttsburgh Penguins

Reason to root against them: Enough is enough

You've got two in a row, three in the past decade. Don't be greedy. Just go away already.

San Jose Sharks

Reason to root against them: Their Winnipeg slander

Remember back in January when a couple of Sharks players said that Winnipeg was their least favorite NHL city because it was dark and cold and the WiFi was bad? I'm not totally sure any of those things are inaccurate, but Winnipeg got very mad and it led to one of the dumbest controversies of this NHL season. As such, I give everyone permission to root for the Sharks in the first two rounds, just for the sole purpose of a potential Jets-Sharks Western Conference Final. Then we all root for Winnipeg to get awesome WiFi and brag about it relentlessly for seven games.

Tampa Bay Lightning

Reason to root against them: Imagine Dragons

How many times have you been forced to listen to "Thunder" by Imagine Dragons this year? Whether it's on the radio, at a sporting event, or an unexpected "Thundering" online -- the answer is probably at least one million times. Well, if the Lightning make the deep run they're expected to make, be prepared to hear that song, which is basically their damn theme song, and be prepared to hear it approximately one million more times. They already got their big win with Patrick Reed's victory at the Masters. The Dragons have already been imagined.

Toronto Maple Leafs

Reason to root against them: They just care too much

The Leafs are everything in Toronto, and they haven't won in over 50 years. Not only have they not won, they've found excruciating ways to lose. It's just too damn tempting not to root for another heartbreak to see how it will collectively crush the spirit of an entire city whose happiness hinges on one thing. Does that make me a bad person? Probably, but I just can't afford to lose those jokes at Toronto's expense. Plus, if this team doesn't have its playoff issues, we'll never get a hit piece revealing what kind of junk food Auston Matthews likes to eat on his way to the arena.

Vegas Golden Knights

Reason to root against them: Wait your turn

The Golden Knights have already seen historic, completely unexpected levels of success in their inaugural season. They won a division title and have been a ton of fun to watch. But, again, it's their very first season. They haven't paid their dues. They haven't experienced the heartbreak the can come with playoff hockey yet, and those experiences are needed to fully appreciate what it means to raise the Cup. Other teams and their fans have fought for it for decades and still have never reached that peak. Do you realize how many people would be furious if Vegas just showed up and won it all in the first year? Wait, I'm starting to talk myself into this one...

Washington Capitals

Reason to root against them: N/A

You don't need to root against the Capitals. Just let things happen naturally.

Winnipeg Jets

Reason to root against them: Patrik Laine's beard

Have you seen that thing? It's like he ordered the Mose Schrute, but grosser. Nobody wants to see that atrocity fester for four rounds. 

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This beard will not stand.  USATSI

Pete Blackburn is from Boston, so there's a good chance you don't like him already. He has been a writer at CBS Sports since 2017 and usually aims to take a humorous and light-hearted approach to the often... Full Bio

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