OAKLAND -- It started quietly. I'd notice a story about a snake that ate a crocodile. Or an unbelievably terrifying shark that just happened to get caught off Australia's coast (with 300 teeth across 25 rows). Or a kangaroo that can kill a robot. Or "huntsman" spiders. Or the octopus with the neurotoxin that is 10,000 times more powerful than cyanide.
But when I heard about the fact that it has been raining spiders in Australia, that was it. I was done with "Straya" forever. No, seriously.
Residents of Goulburn, Australia, awoke this month to find their town shrouded in eerie, silken webs, while millions of tiny spiders rained down from above, local news reported.“The whole place was covered in these little black spiderlings and when I looked up at the sun it was like this tunnel of webs going up for a couple of hundred meters into the sky,” resident Ian Watson told the Sydney Morning Herald. His house looked like it had been “abandoned and taken over by spiders,” he added.
Source: Why spooky spiders rained from the sky in Australia - The Washington Post.
(Nevermind that inthe same article it states this phenomenon happening worldwide from time to time including in Texas, just go with me here.)
There's really only one conclusion.
Australia is trying to kill all humans. It's the only explanation for why so many unbelievably dangerous and terrifying creatures all occupy the same space on the globe. For all the art, music, and sport that Australia provides, for the fierceness of spirit that their people embody and their global contributions to wold culture, the reality remains the same: everything in Australia is trying to kill us.
For perspective on this, I decided to go to the most knowledgeable person I had access to Wednesday. Golden State Warriors center Andrew Bogut. Bogut himself is from Australia. Sure, he's a 30-year-old millionaire who grew up in a Melbourne suburb and has spent the last 12 years in the United States. But surely his mere citizenship qualifies him to give perspective on the reality of just how dangerous Australia is. The following is a transcript of our exchange from NBA Finals media availability Wednesday.
Matt Moore, actual "journalist" for CBSSports.com: So, is everything in Australia trying to kill us?
Andrew Bogut, actual 7-foot Australian: "That's a generalization, like saying everyone is America is fat. It's stereotyped for a reason. There is but there isn't [reason for saying that]. It's not like it's always raining spiders or there are just snakes walking down the street in the city where they're going to jump out of a lane and eat you.
"I think it's a stereotype for a reason. There is stuff there that can kill you. Obviously if you see a swamp or water that's not clear, you don't jump into it. So, yeah."
There you have it. So, yeah. Australia is a Hunger-Games-like death gauntlet the way that America is a tub-o-lard cesspool of obesity. Oh, hey, look at that, America is No. 1 in obesity worldwide. Now if you're excuse me, I'm going to go have a Thickburger and have nightmares about the killer birds that run up to 50 kilometers an hour.
