Writer's note: This post is partially about avoiding spoilers, so I feel it's my duty to warn you that this story contains spoilers from the first 58 episodes of Game of Thrones. So, don't read this if you're behind. Also don't read this if you don't like Game of Thrones. Or basketball. Cool?
Winter is coming, so it's time to confess something somewhat embarrassing to the Gods, both the old and the new. I'm genuinely stressed about Sunday night.
On Sunday night, heroes and villains will meet on the battlefield. History will be at stake. Blood will be drawn. Words will be exchanged. Justice will hopefully be served. A victor will be crowned.
And I'll be sulking in the corner like Jon Snow.
How you interpreted that paragraph says a lot about how you feel about Sunday night. If you thought I was talking about Game 7 of the NBA Finals, you'll watch Game 7. If you thought I was talking about the Battle of the Bastards in northern Westeros, you'll watch Game of Thrones. And if you still have no idea what I'm talking about, you should probably stop staring and laughing at that magnificent picture of Rex and Rob Ryan biking together and start organizing your plans for Sunday night and the chaos that's coming.
I'm not sure you've heard, but winter is finally here, in the form of the worst scheduling conflict in the history of TV. Game 7 between the Cavaliers and Warriors begins at 8 p.m. ET while HBO's Game of Thrones, per usual, starts at 9 p.m. ET.
And that means we're forced to pick between watching two equally historic events. Seven games or seven kingdoms?
That dilemma, the source of my stress, is all I could think about when the Cavaliers built a 20-point lead in the first quarter of Game 6 on Thursday night. Well, that and OMG THE NBA IS TOTALLY RIGGED.
When the Warriors closed the gap, hope glimmered for a brief moment. Then, LeBron James had to be a jerk and kill that hope without even considering how avid Thrones watcher Kevin Love feels about missing an episode just so he can sit on the bench in Oakland for 30 or so minutes.
I feel Love's pain. I too want to witness the Warriors seal the greatest season in NBA history. I too want to see LeBron capture Cleveland's heart by engineering the first 3-1 NBA Finals comeback and, in the process, hand ESPN its next 30 for 30. But I also want -- nay, need -- to watch Sansa Stark drive a knife through the place where Ramsay Bolton's heart would be if he, you know, had a heart. I'd also settle for Sansa choking, flaying, or beating Ramsay to death.
I'm not picky.
It's a choice we all face. And people are clearly confused.
Game 7 of the NBA Finals up against a Game of Thrones Episode 9.
— Thomas Goldkamp (@ThomasGoldkamp) June 17, 2016
Oh god what do we do
Those who aren't concerned are concerned for those who are concerned. I, "Swimmy," actually woke up on Friday to a concerned email from my boss.
Thus, this article was born. Welcome to your official guide for Sunday night. For the next few moments, let's explore a few scenarios.
The way I see it, four solutions to the problem exist.
Option 1
Watch Game 7 live and cap off the night with Thrones on (your parents') HBO GO
Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that today is a slow news day -- it's not, I swear -- and you're thinking that Option 1 is the most realistic. You're right. But that doesn't mean obstacles don't exist.
Remember when Hodor held the door and saved Bran and Meera a few episodes ago? Perfect moment, right?
Not for me.
That episode aired during the Western Conference Finals. I chose, correctly, to watch the Warriors and Thunder and tune into Thrones after the game. Others did not choose correctly. They chose Thrones. They then compounded their error by Tweeting, repeatedly, "HOLD THE DOOR," because that's apparently a super clever Tweet that needs Tweeting.
Shame.
— Joe Manganiello (@JoeManganiello) May 23, 2016
Shame.
Woah #HoldTheDoor#GameOfThrones
— Haley Joel Osment (@HaleyJoelOsment) May 23, 2016
Shame.
It's not clever. It's mean. And it's exactly what I feared ahead of time.
If you're that person who is going to watch Game of Thrones during Warrriors-Thunder and tweet about it, you deserve to be on Arya's list.
— Sean Wagner-McGough (@seanjwagner) May 22, 2016
For basketball fans like me, the moment was ruined. After seeing the 47th "HOLD THE DOOR" Tweet, I kind of figured something that involved a door and someone holding it open was going to happen.
I fear a similar scenario playing out on Sunday. And if your solution is to stay off Twitter, as my coworkers suggested to me after I complained about their "HOLD THE DOOR" Tweets on our conference call the next day, then provide me with an answer to this: How else am I supposed to get my dose of basketball analysis and crying Jordans when Harrison Barnes misses his 69th consecutive 3-pointer?
Option 2
Watch Thrones live and DVR Game 7
Let's consider the history of Episode 9s, which are always insane:
- Season 1: Ned Stark gets his head chopped off
- Season 2: Battle of the Blackwater
- Season 3: The Red Wedding
- Season 4: The battle at Castle Black
- Season 5: Dragon!
Tell me this season's ninth episode won't match those episodes. Did you see the promo? It features ...
1) Jon giving a pre-battle speech
"Battles have been won against greater odds," Jon's voiceover says as he rides through his army. "I fought beyond the wall against worse than Ramsay Bolton."
I watched Independence Day the other day, so Jon will unfortunately be faced with some high expectations.
2) Sansa reminding Jon that he, still, doesn't know anything
Jon didn't really say that.
3) Ramsay reminding us how much we're going to enjoy watching him die
Ramsay really did smirk like that.
4) Jon looking sad
He still knows nothing.
5) Sansa doing her best Jon imitation
Nailed it.
6) A giant doing stuff
Still not convinced? Consider how much work went into the making of the episode. As Entertainment Weekly reported, the episode required 600 crew members, 500 extras, 160 tons of gravel, 70 horses, 25 stuntmen and women, 25 days of filming, four camera crews, and at least $10 million.
Steph Curry averages $11 million per season on his current contract. So, HBO spent roughly one Steph season on one episode of television.
If it's anything like this past Steph season, it's gonna be straight fire emoji.
Option 3
Watch both simultaneously
My friend and colleague, Robby Kalland, is qualified to use this technique.
@ashleyxholcomb uak pic.twitter.com/a8oTe7iB8b
— Robby Kalland (@RKalland) March 20, 2016
I am not. I have one TV and the attention span of a 23-year-old, work-from-home writer.
Option 4
Get crushed by the chaos and die a slow, painful death
What is dead may never die (at least that's what they say in Thrones) so this is actually a better option than you might think. Besides, valar morghulis.
Trust me.
So, I have another confession to make. This time, I'm asking for forgiveness from the Gods. Yes -- both the old and the new.
Given that I live 15 minutes away from Oracle -- avoiding Game 7 spoilers might be kinda difficult when I can hear my upstairs neighbors stomp after every Cavs bucket -- and own one TV, my options are limited to No. 1 and No. 4. I also happen to subscribe to Littlefinger's line of thinking and believe that chaos is a ladder, not a pit, and I'll be damned if I don't make it up that ladder while the rest of y'all fall, which rules out option 4.
#TeamStark4Ever, but a boy is skipping Game of Thrones and watching it on delay. A boy is picking Game 7.
Credits: GoT GIFs via HBO and Popsugar