As much as I love sports fashion, I know almost next-to-nothing about sneaker culture -- including the insanely popular world of Air Jordans. I know people love them and go absolutely nuts over them, camping out for releases and paying absurd prices for rare Jordans on the resale market, but that's about it.
However, not knowing about a topic has never stopped me from discussing it with total authority, and that's not about to change. Since part of the latest "The Last Dance" episodes will focus on MJ's marketability, now's a good time to be in the MJ/Air Jordan business. As such, I am thrilled to capitalize on this opportunity and present to you my definitive, very informed and very important ranking of every Air Jordan ever made.
Sneakerheads, Please leave all complaints on CBS Sports' MySpace page, while all positive feedback will be welcome at @peteblackburn on Twitter.
All images courtesy of Nike
34. Air Jordan XVI (2000-2001)
Cool Batman suit; where's the rest of it?
33. Air Jordan XV (1999-2000)
This is an anvil, not a shoe.
32. Air Jordan XIX (2003-2004)
What the hell is that design in the front? Is that a fencing mask? A bluetooth speaker? Will it strain my pasta? I need answers.
31. Air Jordan XIV (1998-1999)
I can only assume this sneaker is worn exclusively by people who have motorcycle jackets but no motorcycle.
30. Air Jordan 2010 (2010)
The first-ever sneaker that you can speak into and order fast food.
29. Air Jordan XXI (2005-2006)
This one seems like it might look like a Jackson Pollock if placed under a blacklight.
28. Air Jordan XIII (1997-1998)
Maybe it's just me but I can't not see a crocodile's face when I look at this. I'm honestly not sure if that's good or bad.
27. Air Jordan 2009 (2009)
I just can't get past the green thing on this one. It looks like the indicator that hovers over selected characters in "The Sims." This is a Sims shoe.
26. Air Jordan XX3 (2008-2009)
This is the ugly Christmas sweater of sneakers.
25. Air Jordan XXX (2015-2016)
This thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.
24. Air Jordan XVII (2001-2002)
OK, just kidding -- THIS thing is straight out of a "Black Mirror" episode and I hate it so much.
23. Air Jordan XVIII (2002-2003)
This shoe is a kid who goes to parties but just does weird stuff by himself in the corner. Everyone else is having a good time and he's trying to cast spells and crap.
22. Air Jordan X (1994-1995)
All these vertical lines remind me of that arcade game where you have to shoot the clown's teeth out.
21. Air Jordan XX8 (2013)
Listen, I have enough trouble remembering to zip up my fly as it is. I don't need to have to remember to zip up my shoes too.
20. Air Jordan XII (1996-1997)
This one is so boring that I can't even think of a clever way to roast it.
19. Air Jordan XXXIV (2019)
*Jordan tries molly once*
18. Air Jordan XX2 (2007-2008)
Business in the front, supporting the troops in the back.
17. Air Jordan II (1986-1987)
The design of the black part at the bottom makes it seem like this sneaker is trying so hard to be a dress shoe, which it is clearly not. Just be yourself, man.
16. Air Jordan IX (1993-1994)
I'm finding it hard to care about this shoe.
15. Air Jordan III (1987-1988)
I feel like this could be a really nice-looking shoe if it wasn't wearing bondage straps.
14. Air Jordan XX9 (2014)
This one is neat because they scaled the logo to match your mom's iPhone font size.
13. Air Jordan XX (2004-2005)
Does that red ankle attachment mean that this shoe is decaf?
12. Air Jordan 2011 (2011)
This shoe got the stone man disease from "Game of Thrones." RIP.
11. Air Jordan V (1989-1990)
Congrats on being the only pair of Jordans with a flame decal that was ripped off a minivan.
10. Air Jordan XXX1 (2016)
The perfect shoe for any nerd who can't decide between Spider-Man and Venom.
9. Air Jordan VI (1990-1991)
This sneaker feels like it probably has a much hotter twin sibling. Like, it's not bad looking, but you can only see it as the worse-looking version of something else.
8. Air Jordan I (1984-1985)
I have a sneaking feeling that someone is going to try to fight me for ranking these so low.
7. Air Jordan 2012 (2012)
The Storm Trooper 3s.
6. Air Jordan XXXII (2017)
The Darth Maul 6s.
5. Air Jordan IV (1988-1989)
I feel like this one actually might be a Transformer in disguise but it's hot regardless.
4. Air Jordan XXX3 (2018)
If you took the sensuality of a saxophone and turned it into a sneaker, this would be what it looked like.
3. Air Jordan XI (1995-1996)
Obviously, I have no idea what a classic pair of Jordans looks like, but I feel like this is probably a classic pair of Jordans.
2. Air Jordan VII (1991-1992)
I may not know anything about Jordans but I know a lot about the 90s, and these were most certainly made in the 90s. That is most certainly a compliment.
1. Air Jordan VIII (1992-1993)
I would wait in line for hours and/or get beaten up for a pair of these.