Russia is dealing with an Old Testament-sized problem ahead of the 2018 FIFA World Cup, as officials fear a swarm of locusts may devastate the playing surfaces. The agricultural ministry of Russia told the Associated Press that it is hoping for the best but expecting the worst as it waits to see if the locusts will leave the new stadiums alone or not.
According to Pyotr Chekmaryov of the agricultural ministry, the circumstances of the new stadiums built for the event present exigent conditions for dealing with locusts.
"We have more or less learned how to deal with locusts, but this year I'm afraid we could end up in an international locust scandal," Chekmaryov said via the Associated Press, inadvertently coining an early front-runner for funniest phrase of 2018 in "international locust scandal."
Chekmaryov also detailed why this was a threat in a particularly blunt manner.
"Soccer fields are green," he said. "Locusts like places where there is a lot of green. What if they fly to the places where football is played?"
Chekmaryov brings up an excellent point, so here's a list of how to prepare for Russia if you're heading there for the 2018 FIFA World Cup.
2018 FIFA World Cup survival guide
- Bring your own water. You don't want to be drinking from the tap if it inexplicably turns to blood.
- Learn the differences between frog types. Remember: Bright colors usually equal poisonous. Always err on the side of caution.
- Shave your head. Lice are no fun.
- Hide your livestock. Also, maybe learn to hunt. Depending on how you read the plagues, also be prepared for the outbreak of flies.
- Bring skin cream. If a mysterious soot starts to fill the air, make absolutely sure that your skin isn't exposed.
- Have shelter nearby. Hail is very dangerous, and can do a lot of damage. Make sure there's somewhere you can duck indoors.
- The aforementioned locusts need to be repelled. They like green, remember, so avoid green clothes.
- Bring a flashlight. But that's just good life advice.
- Leave your firstborn at home.
