The 2021 MLB Draft is over, and that quite obviously means it's time to rank the most aesthetically pleasing names of all those who were selected over an interminable span of 20 rounds. Yes, we have done the yeoman's work of giving expert and thorough consideration to the entire database of 612 names in order to determine the 15 most soaring names of all. What follows is our authoritative ordering of those names.
We're also listing each young man's draft position, so that, if you wish, you may verify that, yes, this person exists and lives and breathes among us, thus making us better as a people. We have also taken the liberty of telling you what each evokes within the imagination -- i.e., what each name sounds like. We come not to mock, but rather to celebrate and in many instances envy.
Now let us begin ...
15. River Town, No. 439 overall, Royals
Sounds like: Level-headed working-class elf who checks and replenishes termite bait stations at Rivendell. Aspires to save enough to buy into Caden Vire (No. 357 overall, Brewers), a defined-benefit pension plan for wizards that's also available to immortal unionized pest control specialists.
14. Ernie Yake, No. 309 overall, Twins
Sounds like: Infielder for the Philadelphia Athletics, nicknamed "Canyon Pants." Tripled in Game 3 of the 1913 World Series despite unknowingly batting with a red-hot fireplace poker. Tallied more than 500 hits after dying of sepsis following the Meuse-Argonne Offensive of World War I.
13. Roc Riggio, No. 327 overall, Brewers
Sounds like: Flemish painter whose earliest sketchbooks foretell the coming of the active waistband, Neil Sedaka, and chicken fingers.
12. Irvin Murr, No. 566 overall, Giants
Sounds like: Taciturn jazz historian with a chinstrap beard. Thrice charged with vehicular assault on account of his unyielding first principle that you should never listen to Coltrane with your eyes open. Said first principle in tandem with widely available public radio jazz programming led him to total 38 different Swedish automobile marques during the 1990s.
11. Landon Marceux, No. 80 overall, Angels
Sounds like: Cat burglar and bon vivant who targets the boudoirs of chemise-wearing divorcees in only the choicest Parisian arrondissements. Considers stealing medallions to be beneath him. Amulets are a different matter, obviously.
10. Chandler Champlain, No. 273 overall, Yankees
Sounds like: Interpol code name for a poisoned cocktail sausage deployed by MI6 field operatives.
9. Justice Bigbie, No. 555 overall, Tigers
Sounds like: Retired Eddie Rabbit roadie who's in the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive years having spontaneously combusted at a tractor pull (six).
8. Connor Kokx, No. 355 overall, Cleveland
Sounds like: Boone County colloquialism for hurriedly eating a dinner of SpaghettiOs and microwaved Alpo over a kitchen sink while being advised by a co-conspirator to leave after dark and stay off the main roads.
7. Drake Varnado, No. 498 overall, Diamondbacks
Sounds like: Tobacco industry term for members of a customer demographic capable of smoking an entire Pall Mall while keeping both fists on their hips, standing on the front lawn amid the gloaming, and appraising the spray pattern of a rotary lawn sprinkler head purchased within the prior 10 days.
6. Blake Beers, No. 578, A's
Sounds like: Given name of a golem constructed entirely of pull-top tabs from Stroh's cans and brought to life by the ritual incantations of the 1977 Sigma Nu pledge class at Case Western Reserve University. Terrorized East Cleveland for two weeks in an untamed rage after Riggs Threadgill (No. 563 overall, Nationals) pantsed him at a swap.
5. Holt Jones, No. 419 overall, Marlins
Sounds like: Third horse but first biped feral mustang to serve as sheriff of Boone County. Presently running unopposed for a fourth term. Received a tip about a Connor Kokx in progress at a house out on the rural route. Will arrive just as the suspect is taking his final bite of Alpo. He'll subtly move one hoof to his holstered sidearm when finds an empty Jeep CJ-7 idling on the clamshell driveway.
4. Peter Van Loon, No. 467 overall, Orioles
Sounds like: Talking wood mouse in a stovepipe hat, monocle, waistcoat, and four-button spats. Has a Yorkshire accent. Shortly after saying "Tut tut, pip pip, I say, what a sticky-wicket," will be gruesomely disemboweled by a barn owl.
3. Joe Rock, No. 68 overall, Rockies
Sounds like: Fabricated nom de guerre given by Owen Sharts (No. 373 overall, Pirates) to responding officers following a 48-minute brawl at the Whataburger in Aransas Pass, Texas.
2. Sean Hard, No. 603, Yankees
Fabricated nom de guerre given by Colby Smelley (No. 395 overall, White Sox) at arraignment pursuant to that same 48-minute brawl at the Whataburger in Aransas Pass, Texas.
1. Alaska Abney, No. 456 overall, Cleveland
Claim jumper with chronic case of low-grade rabies and a limp. Bored out the cylinders of his Colt single action revolver so that it could shoot the extracted teeth of "all the jackalopeasses who have stooden athwart me." Owns a malamute named Payback.