How will the Patriots fare during the regular season without Tom Brady? There’s no easy answer to the question because we haven’t seen Jimmy Garoppolo start a regular season game and we don’t even know how long Brady will be out, if at all.
That didn’t stop us from channeling the minds of the mad geniuses at EA Sports and running a simulation of Madden 16 (released Tuesday, Happy Madden Day!) with the Patriots using Garoppolo as the starter for the first four weeks of the season.
We nearly had to halt the simulation thanks to death by laughter, however, thanks to EA’s replacement for Bill Belichick (who apparently won’t sign off on his likeness being used).
Meet Griffin Murphy, Level 1 coach of the Patriots and the Madden equivalent of Jim Caldwell in terms of coaching skills.
Gotta love a good subtle shot across the bow. Anyway, back to the simulation. The dropoff from Brady (98 overall) to Garoppolo (75) is quite significant in the Madden ratings. Matt Flynn (74) lurks.
It felt like an alarm would go off when switching the two on the depth chart, or we’d at least get a “ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO” cue. Nothing happening.
Here … we … go …
Week 1
WE WON! THE PATRIOTS WON! Obviously it happened because Jimmy G played the heroic role of game manager, effectively running the off-- Oh. I see. Turns out Garoppolo was so bad the computer benched him after three interceptions and brought in Brady who helped the Patriots win the game.
Not sure that’s an option for the real-life Griffin Murphy. So I guess …
[opens video game system]
[blows on cartridge]
[starts over]
Second time around … the Patriots won again! 16-10 over the Steelers this time around.
Jimmy G didn’t throw any touchdowns, but he didn’t throw any picks either. Brandon Bolden ran 21 times for 72 yards and Travaris Cadet plunged into the end zone. Rob Gronkowski led the Pats in receiving with nine catches for 77 yards.
Deal with it Steelers. Moving right along …
Week 2
Oh no. The Pats lost! To Rex Ryan's Bills! Coors Field would be embarrassed by the 7-3 score here.
Not a great day for Jimmy G, who finished with a passer rating of 59.1 while throwing for 177 yards and a pick.
He was better than EJ Manuel though. The Bills hung their hat on defense clearly, limiting Rob Gronkowski to just 38 yards on five catches. Someone let the big man get down the field a little bit already.
The 0-2 Jaguars reek of a bounceback win, right?
Week 3
Oh yes. 31-7 win for the Patriots. An absolute bludgeoning of Jacksonville in this case. Garoppolo wasn’t outstanding -- just 203 yards and a touchdown -- but the Patriots limited Blake Bortles to a 54.6 passer rating, 110 yards, one pick and one score.
LeGarrette Blount had a field day, rushing 24 times for 100 yards and two scores (friendly reminder: he’s a cheap fantasy option) while Julian Edelman caught five balls for 80 yards. Brandon LaFell hauled in the pass.
Oddly Julius Thomas was better than Gronk on this day. Not that it mattered.
Week 4
BYE time. The Patriots are currently staring up at the 3-0 Dolphins and tied with the Bills at 2-1. The AFC East looks as formidable as expected early on. Even the Jets are 1-2. So that’s something.
Week 5
Both the Dolphins and Bills won in Week 4 which means the Pats heading to Dallas to play the 3-1 Cowboys suddenly looks a lot more important than you might have anticipated.
As you might expect, New England loses. As you might not expect, it was pretty close, with the Pats losing 10-3. Through four games, the Patriots have given up a total of 23 points. Even if you’re 2-2, you’re probably signing off on that with the hope of going streaking after Brady gets back.
Garoppolo was pretty dreadful (50.6 rating, 183 yards, 1 pick) and the Cowboys bottled up Blount (14 carries, 51 yards). Joseph Randle did well against the Pats defense, running 23 times for 82 yards and a score. Tony Romo didn’t get much going (no TD passes) and Dez Bryant was on lockdown (2 catches, 21 yards).
2-2 isn’t perfect, obviously, but it could be worse. Now it’s time to see how Brady fares when he gets back (and then we’re simming this puppy out to the end of the regular season).
Week 6
Welcome back, Mr. Brady! On a Sunday night affair in Indy, Brady extracted revenge on the Colts by throwing for 361 yards and a pair of touchdowns (plus an interception) in a 25-21 win to send the Colts reeling to 3-3.
Blount found the end zone and rushed 17 times for 61 yards, while Brandon LaFell (13 catches, 140 yards, 1 TD) and Gronk (7 catches, 76 yards) stomped all over the Colts defense.
If this scenario plays out in real life with Brady missing four games and coming back against the Colts the over/under on audible swear words from him on that NBC telecast is 347.
Kind of amusing: After one game back Brady ranks 33rd in the NFL in passing yards, while Garoppolo ranked 29th after four games. Chandler Jones has 7 sacks through five games if you’re looking for a breakout defensive player here.
Also the Dolphins are 5-0 and the Bills are 5-1. The AFC East is more fun than expected.
Midseason
Couldn’t help myself. I peaked. Order is almost restored just two games later, with the Bills at 6-1 and the Patriots and Dolphins just a game back after New England throttled Miami 32-14. A 14-7 win against the Jets the week before has the Pats on a three-game streak since Brady came back and in good shape halfway through the season, all things considered.
Next stop the 1-6 Redskins as we sim all the way to the playoffs.
Playoffs
And the Patriots are involved. As a wild card, though, despite finishing 12-4 on the year, meaning Brady came back in Week 6 and only lost two games, essentially going 12-2. Not too shabby.
Your AFC East winner? The Miami Dolphins and Coach of the Year Joe Philbin. WHAT. A. WORLD.
In fact, the losses by Brady were at the Texans in Week 14 (34-20) and at Miami in Week 17, a 19-16 thriller that decided the AFC East crown.
Of note: LaFell finished second in the NFL in receiving yards (1,283) while Edelman finished sixth (1,143).
The Dolphins were the No. 1 seed in the NFL while the Chiefs (10-5-1?), Steelers (10-6), and Texans (9-5-2???) also won their divisions. The Broncos (10-6) were the other wild card. This all feels like a very strange world to live in.
Because you care deeply: the Saints (12-4), Cowboys (12-4), Seahawks (11-5) and Packers (11-5) were division winners in the NFC, while the Giants (9-7) and Eagles (8-7-1) were the wild cards. Someone at EA really loves ties.
The Jaguars (1-15) and Bengals (4-11-1??????) were the two worst teams in the NFL.
OK, OK. FINE. We’ll sim the playoffs and see if the Patriots can beat the Steelers in Round 1.
Wild Card Round
Bad news everyone. The Patriots lost 34-31 to the Steelers in Pittsburgh.
And, um, actually that’s not even close to the worse news. The worse news is that Peyton Manning and the Broncos win the Super Bowl, beating the Cowboys 34-21. And somehow that’s not the worst news.
The worst news is that Tom Brady RETIRED.
And so did not-Bill Belichick, because the Patriots hired Chuck Pagano as head coach. I guess the strain was more than he could bear.
Oh right. Manning retired too. Except it wasn’t Peyton! Eli Manning retired. So this is how Will Ferrell feels at the end of Zoolander.
And still, none of that is as unrealistic as this: the Patriots cut Garoppolo.
That just wouldn’t happen, right? Unless he was so terrible during that four-game stretch and everyone blamed him for Brady not winning the Super Bowl. Which isn’t realistic.
But then again, neither is a video-game simulation. Sweet dreams, Patriots fans.
