On Monday, the Staten Island Yankees -- right-wise and fightin' NY-Penn League affiliate of the New York Yankees -- dispatched the following Internet Call to Action ...
MAJOR ANNOUNCEMENT: We're rebranding for 2017 & want your input! Submit your nominations at https://t.co/cBKJ5cW6a7pic.twitter.com/YlUHgE87ud— StatenIslandYankees (@SIYanks) June 20, 2016
As you can see, the SI Yanks are undertaking a change of identity, and they have sounded the Brand Conch in order to rustle up some suggestions. To this end, we're here to help. Please regard the following Official Submissions ...
The Staten Island Fresh Kills
"Fresh Kills" is the name of an estuary and landfill on Staten Island. Needless to say, people, this a righteous name. The mascot could be a field-dressed buck who shoots fish guts from the t-shirt cannon. On the concourses, children can line up to stab a cantaloupe with the opposing pitcher's face drawn on it.
The Staten Island Battery Weeds
There's a historic fort on Staten Island called Battery Weed. Did you know that? I sure as hell didn't. It's a good name, that Battery Weed. We'll make it plural, seeing as how sports team names that don't end in "s" are objectively terrible. The new team hats will have a 9-volt and a leaf of wholesome, restorative marijuana on them. An annual promotion will be taking bong rips and trying to knock an affordable power source off Robert Conrad's hinge ...
Oftentimes, team names are concocted in the service of selling merchandise. The children of ticket-holders will bray for stuffed robots or a confectionery tin of crispy boogers or, of course, the functioning robot made of boogers that you can't find even on Etsy.
As written in the Magna Carta, "Robots + boogers = profit."
The Staten Island Staten Islanders
One can never wrong with appeals to intra-borough tribalism. Ballpark will now include kiosks where you can pay your utility bills.
The Staten Island Holy Cows
The SI Yanks originally had a mascot inspired by Phil Rizzuto's "Holy Cow!" catch-phrase. Let us now take the next logical step and call the team the Holy Cows. The mascot will be, lo, a cow within whose visage one can discern a Renaissance placidity. Imagine, for instance, a cow with Pence-like absolution in his eyes ...
This is easily the most Christ-like I've ever seen Hunter Pence look. pic.twitter.com/gb0QtoIfYR— Dayn Perry (@daynperry) August 22, 2014
According to this Internet web site, mastodons once roamed Staten Island. As any scientist will tell you, mastodons are hairy elephants.
The Staten Island Chien-Ming Wang Mastodons
As noted above, mastodons once roamed Staten Island. Also, Chien-ming Wang once played for Staten Island. So there you go. Bobblehead night will be amazing.
The Staten Island Oyster Tongers
They have oysters in Staten Island. Those who harvest oysters are sometimes called tongers. "Oyster Tongers" sounds vaguely naughty. In the end, we should all seek out that which is vaguely naughty. The people will rise as one, stomp and clap hands, and bellow in unison, "Oyster Tongers! Tee hee!"
The Staten Island Teagles
It's part eagle, part Tiger, obviously ...
By all means, avail yourself of the comments section to make your own suggestions or merely to toss verbal bouquets at the author.
Go Wang Mastodons!