Bulletin: The 2019 Houston Astros are better than the 2019 Miami Marlins -- orders of magnitude so. A glance at the current standings will of course tell you this much. 

As you would further expect, the Astros are better than the Marlins in every imaginable phase of This, Our Baseball. The most acute difference, though, is found within the respective offenses. The Astros move around the bases with striking regularity. Meantime, the Marlins' capacity for scoring calls to mind a cloistered eunuch. Shall we compare these two regiments further? People, we shall, and we shall do so with a daredevil's reliance on the semi-colon.

• The Astros are on pace to score 902 runs this season; the Marlins are on pace to score 415. 

• The Astros have scored that many runs despite thus far being pretty unlucky with RISP. That will change. 

• The Marlins have scored 2.56 runs per game thus far. The next-worst offense is the Tigers, who have scored 3.40 runs per game. That's a huge gap between the Marlins and the 29th-ranked offense even after you correct for the DH. 

• In terms of runs per game, the Marlins are on target to have the lowest figure since 1909 Washington Senators. They, of course, played in the Deadball Era. 

• In the two weeks spanning April 30 through May 14, the Astros scored more runs than the Marlins have all season.

• If the Astros maintain their current OPS+ of 131 (OPS+ is OPS adjusted to reflect league and home ballpark conditions), then it'll be the highest such mark at the team level since 1900. At the level of adjusted OPS, the 2019 Astros have had the best offense ever thus far. 

• The Marlins' current OPS+ of 66, in contrast, would be the lowest such mark in baseball history. 

• The Astros are on pace to be shutout seven times this season; the Marlins have been shut out nine times already and are on pace to be blanked 36 times. 

• The Astros this season have been held to 0, 1, or 2 runs on 11 occasions; the Marlins have been held to 0, 1, or 2 runs on 24 occasions, or 58.5 percent of their games. 

• Among Astros qualifiers, Tyler White has the lowest OPS at .617; that figure would rank fifth among Marlins qualifiers. 

• Among Astros qualifiers, Yuli Gurriel has the second-lowest OPS at .730; that figure would be the second-highest among Marlins qualifiers. 

• At the team level, the Astros' OPS is presently 279 points higher than the Marlins'. 

• The Marlins have scored five or more runs in a game six times; the Astros have scored 10 or more runs in a game nine times. 

• Thus far in May, the Astros have outscored the Marlins by a margin of 102-23. 

• The Marlins have struck out 10 or more times in a game on 18 occasions; the Astros have done this seven times. 

• The Marlins have hit at least one home run in 16 games; the Astros have hit at least three home runs in 16 games.

• Twice this season the Astros have hit five home runs in a game; at the moment, the Marlins have five home runs since April 24.

• George Springer and Alex Bregman have more home runs than the Marlins do as a team. 

• This is also true if you combine the totals for Springer and Carlos Correa or Springer and Michael Brantley or Springer and Jose Altuve (Altuve has been on the IL for a week). 

• Curtis Granderson and Starlin Castro are tied for the Marlins team lead with 11 RBI apiece; they'd be tied for ninth on the Astros.

• Granderson, Jorge Alfaro, and Martin Prado share the Marlins team lead with 12 runs scored apiece. High-level STEM students will note that adds up to 36. 

• Springer leads the Astros in runs scored with 39. Arithmetic practitioners will note that 39 is more than 36. 

• Neil Walker paces the Marlins with 47 total bases, which would rank ninth on the Astros. 

• The Astros have a higher OPS on 0-2 counts than the Marlins have on 1-0, 2-0, or full counts. 

• The Astros have more wins by a margin of five or more runs than the Marlins have total wins. 

• The Astros have more wins than the Marlins have home runs. 

We could go on, of course, but at this point it feels like wanton cruelty. The larger point is that the 2019 season to date has occasioned the dueling presences of what projects as one of the best offenses of all-time and one of the worst. It's a long walk from one end of the continuum to the other, but walks are good for you. 

Speaking of which, the Marlins are on pace to be the first team in recorded MLB history not to receive an intentional walk!