Red Panda's unicycle being stolen might be the saddest story since someone took Juju Smith-Schuster's bike, but there's a happy ending. The Warriors are buying Red Panda a new unicycle to use in place of the original, and although it will never be the same, she can always make new memories with her new wheel.
“The Red Panda is legendary and absolutely loved and adored by everyone, especially our fans and season tickets holders. With a new, custom made unicycle we are glad that we could do our small part to help this great tradition continue.” -Warriors President & COO @RickWelts pic.twitter.com/EjPhHFYGbQ
— Golden State Warriors (@warriors) February 2, 2018
Red Panda will be able to light up halftime shows again, thank the gods. Her seven-foot unicycle was taken from San Francisco International Airport, and Rong Niu (Red Panda's actual name) was heartbroken. A $2,000 bounty was placed on whoever could bring the unicycle back. For reference: That's what Avon Barksdale initially offered as a bounty to whoever could kill Omar on "The Wire". This unicycle is a big deal.
Here's the culprit of the heist. If you know this man, turn him in. If you are this man, be warned, the whole Bay Area is looking for you.
Police have released the surveillance photos of the person who stole Red Panda's unicycle.
— /r/CollegeBasketball (@redditCBB) February 1, 2018
WE MUST FIND HIM! You mess with Red Panda, you mess with all of us
https://t.co/CyalpGe4I1 pic.twitter.com/s2IcJJmwBR
"She's doing horribly," said Pat Figley, her agent, two days ago. "She's dropping balls. She's just not used to it. The one that was stolen was custom built for her."
We hope that the replacement can suffice, because Red Panda is the absolute best as far as halftime shows go. Making her sad is like... well... making a red panda sad. And who could live with themselves if they made something look like this?
All kidding aside, don't steal stuff. It makes people sad. And making people sad isn't cool.