The first question to Les Miles is the obvious one: What have you been up to?
"I'm in and out of America," said the former LSU coach, who is still an industry leader in fracturing syntax.
Translated, Miles has been traveling, because, "I'm making myself available to the search firms. I'm communicating as best I can."
The coach has made it more than well known that he wants to coach again. Fired on Sept. 26, the 63-year-old Miles has spent the past seven weeks determining just how much he missed the profession.
"I'm fired up. I like getting up in the morning and working hard," Miles said. "I believe no matter where you put me down, I'll end up winning and competing for a championship. That's just the way it is."
The problem, for now, is there are only three Power Five openings: Baylor, Purdue and the job he just got fired from. There's no promise that any other Power Fives will open up in the offseason.
Miles has his foot in the door at Baylor. The scandal-ridden school could do a lot worse than hire a charming, accomplished, outgoing coach with scant off-field baggage.
When he was let go at LSU, Miles led the SEC in seniority. It's hard to imagine such a bigger-than-life figure subjected to something as simple as a job interview. Miles hasn't had one since taking over at LSU in 2005.
And it's obvious Miles has been practicing in front of the mirror.
"For me to come up with stuff like this makes me vomit," the coach said. "Now that I'm in this position, I might as well vomit briefly."
At that point, Miles begins a bullet point list of his accomplishments. Miles and three active head coaches have been to a national championship game at least twice in their careers. Urban Meyer, Nick Saban and Bob Stoops are the others.
He has a career mark of 8-12 against those three. Through the 2011 season, that record was a respectable 8-8, but Saban won the final five head-to-head meetings, which is a big reason Miles is out of work.
"Obviously nobody's got an edge on Nick," Miles said quietly. "He did a great job."
"That's the four coaches. Three of those coaches are coaching their asses off. One of them is waiting to get back into it and do the exact same things he did before and do it on a grander scale if the Lord sees fit."
Yes, these days, Les is an expert at selling Les. All he's looking for is "an athletic director and a president that would want to lock arms, embrace what needs to be done ..."
It has already been reported Miles is assembling a staff if the call does come. As for concerns over his ability to run a more -- shall we say -- entertaining offense, pull up a chair.
Here's a coach who has roots in the wide-open Big 12 (Oklahoma State), the Big Ten (player and coach at Michigan) and the SEC. Miles would be comfortable just about anywhere.
The shadow critics have nicked him for everything from quarterback play to conservative offenses.
"Will I change? You betcha," Miles said.
That's not to say he's admitting any weakness. Current LSU quarterback Brandon Harris was a guy everyone wanted. But he resides on the bench, a career three years in that still hasn't taken off.
But for two years (2012-13) under Miles, Zach Mettenberger threw to Jarvis Landry and Odell Beckham Jr. Jeremy Hill led the team in rushing. All four are playing in the NFL.
Those 2013 Tigers averaged 202 yards rushing and 251 passing while leading the country in third-down conversions.
LSU won because of Jordan Jefferson in 2011, not in spite of him. Remember Jefferson replaced an ineffective Jarrett Lee in the first Alabama game (a 9-6 win) that year.
Miles' offensive coordinators have included Mike Gundy, Jimbo Fisher, Gary Crowton and Cam Cameron. Their résumés consist of nine conference titles, four national championships and 16 combined seasons coaching in the NFL.
In 11 seasons at LSU, Miles won 77 percent of his games, two SEC titles and a national championship.
"You got to play offense, defense and special teams," Miles said. "That will never change, but to say I would not change ... are you kidding me? Have you lost your mind?
"What you can tell them is, what Les has done is changed routinely."
The program he left behind is in a sort of upheaval. The Tigers have prospered under interim coach Ed Orgeron, Miles' former defensive line coach. But LSU athletic director Joe Alleva has reportedly targeted Florida State coach Jimbo Fisher as Miles' replacement for the second straight year.
Orgeron's success, though, complicates things -- for Alleva, not Miles.
"I'm not rooting against him," Miles said of Orgeron. "I'm for him."
This weekend is reserved for a reunion. Miles is going back to Michigan for the first time in 10 years, for the first time since Bo Schembechler died in 2006. Miles lettered as an offensive lineman for Bo in 1974-75.
"I haven't seen my classmates that I played football with and fought and grew up with for years," Miles said. "My great friends are really great Michigan men.
"All those guys that I wish I had time for, I was coaching football. I did not turn my head to go back. The only time I've been back was Bo's funeral."
His love for his old coach cannot be contained.
"I remember as an assistant coach having a beg-to-differ, which turns into an argument really, really fast," Miles said. "[A play] down on the goal line. He ripped me and had at me. That was Monday. We practice it Tuesday. By Wednesday, he said, 'I see what you mean.'"
And so the man who missed so much because he was hell-bent as a coach has enjoyed life just a little. Next month he'll be at the annual National Football Foundation dinner in New York, a sort-of summit meeting for the sport.
He'll meet with those search firms and hopefully get interviews. No doubt Miles will dazzle them with his knowledge, his personality, his stories, and the tangents he will ultimately go on.
Remember, this is the coach who once accepted a game ball from one of his players who said it was "for all the bull---- they say about you." This is the man who famously labeled Tiger Stadium the place "where opponents' dreams come to die."
This is the guy who recruited Glen Dorsey, Honey Badger, Leonard Fournette and made a household name out of Barkevious Mingo.
It would be a shame if that grand stage wasn't granted to him again because, mostly, Les Miles can't stand being in the wings.
Time's getting short. In a month, any openings there are -- or may be for 2017 -- will probably be filled.
"Coaching quenches a thirst that you can ... do an important job," Miles said. "When you take that harness off, you're looking for another harness, I can promise you. You want to pull a wagon. You want everybody to get in and say, 'Let's go.'"
Giddyup, then, Les.
