The Binghamton Mets are a Double-A minor league affiliate of the -- you guessed it -- New York Mets, and on Tuesday the team announced that it was going to change its name and allow fans to vote on the new nickname. It's a great idea because "Mets" is a boring name that's already synonymous with the Major League franchise, and why be the Mets when you can be the Rumble Ponies?
Seriously, Rumble Ponies is an actual option, and if you haven't already voted for it, I don't want to be your friend. I don't even want to know you. In fact, you should probably stop reading this right now because what I'm going to be writing will only make you angry.
Now, it's at this point that you're asking yourself what any of this has to do with college football, which is a good question. Here's your answer.
College football is great. It's fun, and it's made up of a blend of many different unique traditions around the country. At Colorado, an actual buffalo named Ralphie runs out on the field while a few handlers run alongside her (that's right, Ralphie is a girl) to give you the false sense of security that she couldn't break lose and destroy you if she really wanted to. At Ohio State, the marching band "dots the i" in script Ohio before every game. Georgia Tech has a 1930 Ford Model A Sport as a mascot for the student body, and it drives out onto the field before home games.
These are just some of the many different traditions you can find on any given Saturday.
But for a sport that's celebrated in so many different ways, there sure are a lot of schools with the same nicknames. So in the spirit of the Binghamton Mets changing their name, I've decided to propose a few name changes for some of schools out there that could use a bit more creativity other than Tigers, Bulldogs or Wildcats.
Tigers
Auburn Tigers: Are there a lot of tigers roaming the plains of eastern Alabama? I tend to think not. Now, this is an obvious change. After all, Auburn calls itself the Tigers, but it has an actual live eagle that flies around the stadium before the game, and the fans have a "War Eagle" chant. So Auburn is no longer the Auburn Tigers, it's the Auburn War Eagles. Sure, the eagle is an overused mascot in sports as well, but putting the word war in front of it makes it different and a little more badass.
Missouri Tigers: Much like eastern Alabama, there are no tigers in Missouri. I'm sure if they were living in the Ozarks, we'd have found out about them by now. So sorry, Mizzou, but you can no longer be the Tigers. Instead you should look to your state animal, the mighty mule. Sure, it isn't sexy, and nobody ever wants to pick the mule to win the SEC East, but the mule is durable and hard-working. It can also deliver quite the wallop if it wants to, which makes it dangerous. Congratulations, Mizzou, you're now the Missouri Mules. Oh the alliteration!
Clemson Tigers: We leave the SEC, but not SEC country for our next team. Clemson has become one of the premiere college football programs in the country, and I think a new nickname could help it stand out further. As I've said, Tigers is just overdone. If it were a steak it would be charred beyond recognition. So I suggest with changing the name to the Clemson Wolf Spiders. The Carolina Wolf Spider is the official spider of the state of South Carolina, and while that's cool I guess, the fact is that Wolf Spiders just sounds good. Most people I know are terrified of spiders, and this name evokes images of a wolf-spider hybrid. It will surely strike fear into the heart of Clemson's opponents.
The one who gets to keep the name -- LSU Tigers: There always have been, and always will be, too many teams named the Tigers in every sport, across every single level. It's unoriginal, and I would like to think that LSU could come up with something better, but for the sake of this exercise, I'm going to let LSU keep the name. I mean, it has an actual tiger for its mascot. What is LSU going to do with it after the name change? Donate it to a zoo? It already lives a much better life than it would there.
Bulldogs
Mississippi State Bulldogs: How can you not be the Mississippi State Cowbells by now? Seriously. For fans outside of Mississippi, you're basically known as "the fans who are always ringing those damn cowbells," which you're clearly happy about. Just take it to the next level and own it completely.
The one who gets to keep the name -- Georgia Bulldogs: You can keep the name, Georgia. After finally letting Mark Richt go, I fear changing your nickname in the same offseason would probably just be too much for you to handle right now.
Wildcats
Kentucky Wildcats: Sure, you're the only SEC team that's named the Wildcats, but there are plenty of others, and I'll get to them soon enough. As far as your concerned, you already call your fans the Big Blue Nation, so we want to keep something associated with blue in the nickname, and this is just too damn easy. You are no longer the Kentucky Wildcats, you are the Kentucky Bluegrass. Next!
Arizona Wildcats: A tiger is a wildcat, so Wildcats is just somebody's idea to name themselves the Tigers without actually being the Tigers. I respect the original notion, but the execution was poor. So for Arizona, a state rich in unique wildlife, to go with the Wildcats is just so disappointing. You're now the Arizona Scorpions. As a whole, the spectrum of insects and arachnids isn't utilized enough when it comes to mascots. As you can see with a couple of my changes, I aim to change that.
Northwestern Wildcats: I'm changing Northwestern's nickname to the Northwestern Compasses because Northwestern can really use a compass. You have to be intelligent to get into Northwestern, but not to name the school apparently. Northwestern is a school located in the midwest, in the northeast corner of a state and on the southwest coast of a Great Lake. There is no school in the country more in need of a compass than Northwestern.
The one who gets to keep the name -- Kansas State Wildcats: I'm going to let you keep the Wildcats nickname, Kansas State. Only because I can't think of any other possible nickname for you besides Kansas State Sunflowers, and who the hell wants to be the Kansas State Sunflowers?
Other
Pittsburgh Panthers: "Panthers" is another overused nickname. Be something unique to the city you're located in. You're the Pittsburgh Yinzers now. I guarantee merchandise that has a big script Yinzers on it will sell better than anything that says Panthers.
Illinois Fighting Illini: The Fighting Illini is a very unique name, but the school actually announced recently that it will be creating a new mascot. I say why stop at a mascot when you can go all the way and get a nickname that's even more unique to go with it. That's right, you're the flagship school in the Land of Lincoln, so why not call yourselves the Illinois Fighting Abes? Who could say no to a giant Abraham Lincoln in boxing gloves?
