As the NFL preseason winds down, so too does this year's installment of "Hard Knocks." Tuesday delivered the penultimate episode of this season, which has been spent with the Oakland Raiders. That second-to-last episode took us all the way to Winnipeg, Manitoba for one of the silliest games in preseason history... or is it Winnipeg, Alberta? I don't think anyone really knows.
#NFL player arrives in Canada wearing a 'Winnipeg, Alberta' t-shirt 🧐🧐 https://t.co/3oryXA74JI pic.twitter.com/UoV0Mtmofi
— Offside (@OffsideDH) August 22, 2019
In any case, the NFL decided to relocate the Raiders a year early and ship them to Winnipeg for one of their "home" preseason games, and that experiment ended up making Winnipeg look pretty undesirable. Who could have seen that coming?
Prior to the game, the grounds crew at IG Field -- home of the CFL's Winnipeg Blue Bombers -- attempted to use temporary field turf to fill in the spot where the CFL usually places its field goal posts at the front of the goal line. The Raiders and Packers weren't happy with the quality of work and were worried the conditions would present an injury risk for players, so the field was shorted to 80 yards instead of the typical 100.
What a mess.
But with mess often comes entertaining behinds-the-scenes television, and Raiders training camp this year has had no shortage of mess. Would this latest debacle translate into must-see TV for HBO? Only way to find out. Let's get to power rankings for episode four.
8. Brogan Roback
This week's episode brought a most unexpected but much-appreciated brief cameo: Brogan Roback. Those who watched last season's "Hard Knocks" with the Cleveland Browns know Roback as the delightfully doofy quarterback/snack aggregator. He didn't make the team out of training camp, but he was one of the show's shining stars thanks to an IQ that could be mistaken for his jersey number. We fell in love with him.
So it came as a wonderful surprise when he returned to the show Tuesday while FaceTiming Raiders' defensive end Maxx Crosby. The two were teammates at Eastern Michigan and the new rule of "Hard Knocks" qualification is that a team must have at least one (1) player who is friends with Brogan Roback.
To be honest, it was a rather uninspiring conversation between the two, but Mike Glennon didn't really play well in the Raiders' third preseason contest so there's still time to bring our guy Brobie in for a shot in the final week of camp. Give the people what they want, Gruden.
7. Nate Peterman
You know which quarterback did play well in the Raiders' third preseason game? That's right, folks... NATE PETER-MAN. Not only did Peterman come up big to lead a comeback win and make a strong bid for the Oakland backup job, he also did so while being wholesome as heck.
Nathan Peterman is the guy who goes on podcasts and asks "can I swear on here?" before proceeding to not even consider swearing once. He's perfect.
6. Luke Willson
Willson had himself a really big week, continuing a strong run as a standout personality over the past few installments of "Hard Knocks." Not only did HBO graciously exclude any mention of his calves in this episode, but the veteran Ontario-born tight end got to serve as the Raiders' Canadian ambassador for their trip north of the border.
This meant he had to field pressing questions such as:
- "How do I pay for things?"
- "Do you drive on the left side of the road?"
- "Is there a bartering system?"
- "Head-to-head, who could get away with less trouble in Canada, Mike Myers or Drake?"
- "How much does a Canadian football weigh?"
- "Where's the Labatt beer at?"
- "Can you translate this into French?"
But ultimately the most preposterous thing said about Canada during Tuesday's episode came straight from the mouth of Willson himself. While discussing Canadian icons, he dropped this bomb:
I hope he enjoyed the Winnipeg trip because he may never be able to go home again.
5. The tight end sweatshirts
I mean, look at these incredible masterpieces of lounge. And, yes, they're reversible!
4. Jon Gruden
At this point, it's basically a given that Gruden is going to find his way into one of the top spots every week. He's the human embodiment of a disco ball, reflecting his glorious light and shining feel-good energy on everyone in his direct vicinity. The man is a beacon of entertainment. Jury's still out on whether he can lead the Raiders to glory, but he's certainly the glue that holds "Hard Knocks" together.
It was another very solid week for the coach and his favorite rallying cry, "knock on wood if you're with me." The fine folks on the "Hard Knocks" production team decided to flex their creative muscles for a union of Gruden-isms and a divine late candidate for Song of the Summer.
— Viral Sports (@NotScTop10plays) August 28, 2019
"Don't shove sand up a flea's a--" has to be greatest and most inexplicable Gruden wisdom yet.
And speaking of Gruden and music, he provided a masterclass in the range of human emotions while listening to the team rookies perform karaoke.
That final, horrified face was very much appropriate, as it came during Trayvon Mullen's absolutely despicable and half-hearted rendition of "Lean On Me." It was a performance so devoid of talent, effort and emotion that it should have warranted Mullen an immediate release from the club.
In other news, it should also come as no surprise that Gruden had the quote of the week:
3. Winnipeg Trip
The trip to Winnipeg dominated a good portion of this week's episode, and for good reason. Not only was it a rather interesting event for preseason action, but it also marked the end of Raiders camp in Napa. As soon as the team packed their bags for The North, we got a nice little montage of camp being broken down, which is always a little sad to see because it means we're nearing the end.
But of course, the real juicy stuff came as the field debacle played out. We got to see officials inspect the field and speak with team representatives. We got to see the two coaches discuss the debacle. We got to see Gruden meet with the referees to figure out how the hell he was supposed to explain the situation to his team.
It actually wasn't the total s---show I expected it to be behind-the-scenes as the whole thing played out (or at least HBO cleaned it up a little bit), but it's clear the entire ordeal got under Gruden's skin. He dealt with it by being hilariously passive aggressive, but his mood eventually turned around as soon as his team turned around their performance. By the end of the game, he was a giddy, smug little devil prancing across the field.
Like I said before, the coach is an entertainment factory. Next season of "Hard Knocks" should just follow Gruden around as the NFL makes him coach games in a variety of odd locations while he's forced to deal with bizarre hurdles.
2. Natalie Cabinda
The breakout star of this week's episode was Natalie Cabinda -- mother of second-year linebacker Jason Cabinda. One of the best moments came when cameras captured a FaceTime call between the mother and son, when Natalie freaked the hell out after Jason informed her he got her tickets to the preseason game in Winnipeg. It was a moment of pure joy on both sides and it was cute as hell.
Nobody in the history of humanity has ever been THAT excited for a free trip to Winnipeg.
We didn't know it then, but Mrs. Cabinda's attendance would prove to be the gift that kept on giving. She was highly enjoyable to watch throughout the entire trip, whether she was criticizing her son's camera skills or breaking down his play from the stands.
Jason is a roster hopeful, but his mom already made the lineup of All-Stars from this season.
1. "Habitual Fat Person"
The very best moment of episode four came during the post-credits scene. I hope you stuck around because it was pure comedy and A+ television.
That's Raiders defensive line coach Brentson Buckner grilling rookie Clelin Ferrell on why it's taken him so long to produce gummy bears at camp. During the interrogation, Buckner claims, actually, he doesn't eat sugar and he's just trying to get a stash of gummies in camp for... science, or something. When the validity of his sugar consumption (or lack thereof) is called into question, Buckner turns on Anthony Rush, who he refers to as a "Habitual Fat Person" -- or a person who sneaks around to eat snacks like he's in the cast of 'Heavyweights.'
That dig would be funny enough on its own, but it was quickly followed by footage of another player straight-up putting a beatdown on a Fruit By The Foot. We watch the player viciously and passionately conquer three feet of sugary goodness while standing by the snack table, looking guilty as hell, before then searching for more munchies to victimize.
It was a masterpiece.
