"Houston, we have a problem."

Texans coach Bill O'Brien probably says that every night before he goes to bed -- and if he doesn't, he should, because the Texans have like 80 problems. One of those problems is Ryan Mallett, who somehow managed to miss the team flight to Miami on Saturday, which means Mallett is now the first person ever to pass up a free flight to Miami.   

If the Texans end up cutting Mallett -- and it's most likely going to happen (update: It happened) -- Mr. "I'm too good for team flights" should probably fly to Cleveland next, because that's where bad quarterbacks go when it's time for their careers to die, and Mallett seems like he's about there. 

Another option for Mallett could be going to Gotham City, but it looks like another NFL quarterback already beat him there.  

Gotham really doesn't make much sense for a move anyway, because it doesn't even have a football stadium anymore thanks to Bane.

Honestly, Mallett should just sign with Detroit. Not only does Matthew Stafford seem to injure something new every week, but the Lions just promoted quarterbacks coach Jim Bob Cooter to offensive coordinator. If anyone can fix Mallett, maybe it's Cooter, who is in fact a real person, and that's his real name. 

Anyway, I don't want to talk about Mallett or Cooter anymore, so let's get to the picks.

Actually, before we get to the picks, here's your weekly reminder that you can check out the picks from every CBSSports.com NFL Expert by clicking here.

The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because Ryan Wilson destroyed everyone in America with his picks in Week 7. The CBSSports.com NFL writer went 12-2 with his picks, which was literally better than every other national picker in the country, according to our friends at Pickwatch.

If you want to use Wilson's picks this week, I suggest following him on Twitter. If you don't want to use his picks, I suggest following him anyways because he does a podcast with his 8-year-old. 

I'd probably do a podcast with my 8-year-old too, if I had one, but I don't, which gives me more time to write these picks, so let's get to them. 

Week 8 Picks

The Patriots will try to keep the same position they've had all season: First place. (Instagram/Yogaashlee)
The Patriots will try to keep the same position they've had all season: First place. (Instagram/Yogaashlee)
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Miami (3-3) at New England (6-0)
Thurs., Oct. 29, 8:25 p.m. ET, CBS/NFL Network)

The last time Tom Brady lost on a Thursday night was never. Brady has made eight career starts in Thursday games since 2002 and he's gone 8-0. That's 13 years of domination, which means Brady has owned Thursday night longer than Friends did. Friends probably could've dominated a little longer if Ross wasn't such a lame character. He should've been written off the show in Season 4 and Rachel should've ended up with J.J. Watt. 

Anyway, let me get back on track here. Besides Brady being unstoppable on Thursdays, there's also the coaching experience factor: Bill Belichick has been coaching in the NFL longer than Dolphins interim coach Dan Cambell has even been alive. I'm not sure that that means, but I think it means that any game plan Campbell comes up with by Thursday, Belichick will have already thought of it four times.  

I think Campbell can get the Dolphins to nine or 10 wins this year, I just don't think any of those nine or 10 wins will come against the Patriots. 

The Pick: Patriots 23, Dolphins 20

The Bengals mascot is not a Steelers fan. (CBSSports.com)
The Bengals mascot is not a Steelers fan. (CBSSports.com)
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Cincinnati (6-0) at Pittsburgh (4-3)
Sunday, Nov. 1, 1 p.m. ET (CBS)

The Steelers are wearing their bumble bee jerseys on Sunday, which I grow fonder of every year. I think it's because they look like what would be a horrible flavor of Fruit Stripes gum, and horrible or not, I like every flavor of Fruit Stripes gum. 

Also, this is a 1 p.m. game and Andy Dalton is playing and we all know how I feel about 1 p.m. games with Andy Dalton. If you don't know how I feel, here's a reminder. 

The striped jerseys probably won't help the Steelers beat the Bengals, but Ben Roethlisberger might and he's expected to be on the field for the first time since Sept. 27 on Sunday. I'm guessing that Roethlisberger is going to be rusty and I don't see how rusty is going to beat the Bengals. 

Also, this is a 1 p.m. game and Andy Dalton is playing and we all know how I feel about 1 p.m. games with Andy Dalton. If you don't know how I feel, here's a reminder. 

Since October 2013, the Bengals are 21-3-1 in 1 p.m. games. That being said, I expect a shootout since Roethlisberger will have all his weapons (Le'Veon Bell, Antonio Brown, Martavis Bryant) in the same game for the first time this season. 

The Pick: Bengals 27, Steelers 24 

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Seattle (3-4) at Dallas (2-4)
Sunday, Nov. 1, 4:25 p.m. ET (FOX)

Last year, Dallas went up to Seattle and handed the Seahawks their only home loss of the year by running the ball straight down Seattle's throat. The Cowboys ran the ball a total of 36 times in the 30-23 win. 

I'm only mentioning that game because I feel like running that ball well is going to be the Cowboys' only hope at winning on Sunday, mainly because that strategy involves Matt Cassel not throwing the ball.

If you watched the Cowboys loss to the Giants, then you're probably well aware that the less Cassel throws the ball, the better off Dallas will be. The Cowboys quarterback somehow managed to throw three picks against the Giants' 30th-ranked pass defense.

If Cassel couldn't handle the 30th ranked pass defense in the NFL, I don't think he's going to be able to handle Seattle's third-ranked pass defense. On the other hand, if Cassel can hand the ball off capably, I think the Cowboys can keep this close.

The Pick: Seahawks 23, Cowboys 20

Packers fans are hoping Green Bay runs wild on Denver, brother. (Instagram/OliviaFairbanks)
Packers fans are hoping Green Bay runs wild on Denver, brother. (Instagram/OliviaFairbanks)
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Green Bay (6-0) at Denver (6-0)
Sunday, Nov. 1, 8:30 p.m. ET (NBC)

This is the one night a year where you have to pick between watching NFL football or the World Series. Unfortunately for Major League Baseball, the NFL decided to schedule Peyton Manning vs. Aaron Rodgers to go up against the World Series, which means 99.8 percent of the country probably won't be watching baseball on Sunday. 

What everyone will be watching is something that almost never happens: Two teams that are 6-0 or better playing each other during the regular season. The Packers-Broncos game will mark only the fourth time since 1921 that it's happened. 

The other rarity happening in this game is the quarterback battle: Rodgers and Manning have only faced each other one time ever. That game came in 2008 when Rodgers' Packers beat Manning's Colts 34-14, which is funny because it kind of feels like that's what might happen this time around. 

My problem with picking the Broncos to win here is that half their offensive game plan this season has been hoping their defense scores points and defenses only generally score points when the other team's offense makes a mistake. The problem for the Broncos is that Aaron Rodgers doesn't make mistakes, which means Manning's actually going to have to produce points this week and I don't see that happening against Green Bay's defense, which leads the NFL in fewest points per game allowed. 

The Pick: Packers 24, Broncos 13

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Indianapolis (3-4) at Carolina (6-0)
Monday, Oct. 26, 8:30 p.m. ET (ESPN)

Andrew Luck has thrown more interceptions per game (1.8) than any other quarterback in the NFL so far this season, which I have to think is bad news for the Colts because Carolina basically picks off every errant throw that goes in the air. The Panthers have nine interceptions this season, which is tied for fourth most in the NFL.

That seems like a recipe for a Colts loss. Not that it matters, though, because let's be honest, this game doesn't even technically matter to the Colts because they could lose every non-divisional game for the rest of the season and still win the AFC South.

Seriously.

Even if the Colts lose on Monday and fall to 3-5, they'll still wake up on Tuesday in first place. The AFC South is last year's NFC South. The Panthers are probably insulted that another team is trying to win their division with a losing record like Carolina did last year. I'll take the insulted Panthers.

The Pick: Panthers 24, Colts 19

Colts fans are harder to figure out than the Colts are. (Instagram/jlpohlman)
Colts fans are harder to figure out than the Colts are. (Instagram/jlpohlman)

Week 8 picks: All the rest

Lions 24-17 over Chiefs

Falcons 30-20 over Buccaneers

Cardinals 27-20 over Browns

49ers 20-17 over Rams

Saints 30-27 over Giants

Vikings 20-17 over Bears

Ravens 34-31 over Chargers

Texans 17-13 over Titans

Jets 24-20 over Raiders

Byes: Bills, Eagles, Redskins, Jaguars

Last Week 

Best Pick: Last week, I picked the Saints to upset the Colts in Indy and then the Saints went out and upset the Colts in Indy. Did I know Andrew Luck was going to throw two ugly picks in the first half? Yes, I did, because Andrew Luck is an interception machine this year. I also knew that the Colts special teams would embarrass themselves at least once. We all remember two weeks ago when Indy ran the worst fake punt ever against New England. Well, the punt team wasn't horrible this time around, this time it was the field goal team. 

This can only mean the Colts kickoff team is going to screw something up this week. 

Worst Pick: Last week, I spent four paragraphs talking about cats, which was a bad idea because I ended up basically brainwashing myself into picking the Lions over the Vikings. If I had spent four paragraphs writing about Erik the Red or Leif Eriksson instead, then I would've picked the Vikings to win and I wouldn't hate cats so much right now.

That's right, I'm officially anti-cat.

As a matter of fact, the only reason I'm picking the Lions this week is because the cat world seems to be supporting the Chiefs. I can't support anything the cat world supports. 

I'm also picking the Lions because I think Cooter might be able to help that offense. 

Picks Record

Straight up in Week 7: 10-4

SU Overall: 64-41

Against the spread in Week 7: 7-7

ATS Overall: 49-56

Exact score predictions: 1

You can find John Breech on Twitter or on Facebook and if he's not doing one of those two things, he's probably working on his autobiography.