NFL Week 7 picks: Broncos blow out Texans, Vikings pound Eagles in Philly
Wondering which teams will win in Week 7? You've come to the right place to find out
Before we get started, I would like to congratulate Odell Beckham on his recent engagement. If you missed it, all you missed was one of the most romantic moments in proposal history.
I want a girl who looks at me like Odell looks at the kicking net pic.twitter.com/6t49VHxCaI— Anthony Fate ⚔️ (@Rivyall) October 18, 2016
The proposal was a complete surprise to everyone. I mean, did I think Odell was going to propose to a kicking net? No. But I'm not here to judge, I'm here to celebrate.
If you've lost track of the whirlwind relationship that has taken America by storm the past few weeks, here's what has happened in Odell's world since Sunday's proposal.
Hopefully Beckham didn't go broke paying for that London sightseeing tour because he's going to need money to pay the fine he's likely going to get hit with after being flagged for a celebration penalty against the Baltimore Ravens on Sunday.
If we've learned one thing about the NFL this season, it's that it hates fun and people who celebrate anything.
Beckham and Washington Redskins tight end Vernon Davis were flagged for getting a little too crazy with their end zone celebrations in Week 6. I'm going to go ahead and let NFL VP of officiating Dean Blandino explain why they broke the rules and why it's illegal to have fun.
Apparently, if you don't want to get hit with an excessive celebration penalty after scoring a touchdown, you should go hang out with the cheerleaders. That's what Detroit Lions receiver Golden Tate did, and I have to say, it doesn't look like there's any downside.
Golden Tate celebrates with the cheerleaders pic.twitter.com/QWcJPoNOvW— Isaac (@WorldofIsaac) October 16, 2016
I'll say the next logical celebration would be combining what Tate and Odell did, but it looks like someone has already done that.
Former Cincinnati Bengals receiver Chad Johnson celebrated a touchdown in 2005 by proposing to a cheerleader, which you can see here.
The only way anyone's ever going to top that is if the Oakland Raiders move to Las Vegas and then a player celebrates a touchdown by getting married in a chapel at halftime. By the way, half the reason I'm rooting for a team to land in Vegas is so we can see ridiculous things go down every week.
You want to elope before a Raiders game? Done.
You want to go on a three-night bender and lose $10,000 before your favorite team plays in Vegas for the first time? Easy.
You want to have four dozen strippers in your luxury box in case the game turns into a blowout? I'm not sure if the NFL will allow it, but I am pretty sure that's legal in Vegas.
As you can see, there's obviously no downside to moving a team there.
There's also no downside to clicking here and checking out the weekly picks from each of our NFL writers here at CBSSports.com. This week, you'll want to click over and check out Will Brinson's picks because Brinson was basically printing money at his house in Week 6 with his picks against the spread. Because I don't want Brinson to get arrested for forgery, I should clarify that's he's not actually printing money at his house, he's making smart picks, and he went 9-4-2 against the spread in Week 6. He also went 11-4 straight-up.
I would tell you how I did, but that's not how we do things here. You have to wait until you get to the bottom, so let's start heading there by getting to this week's picks.
NFL Week 7 Picks
New York Giants (3-3) vs. Los Angeles Rams (3-3) in London, 9:30 a.m. ET (NFL Network): In what surely will go down as the worst TV decision of 2016, someone decided to schedule the Rams for this game, which kicks off at 6:30 a.m. PT. If you've ever been to L.A., then you already know that no one in the city is going to be awake at that time on a Sunday morning. If you've never been to L.A., well, let me be the first to tell you that no one in the city is ever awake at that time on a Sunday morning, except for the 11 people who are up doing Pilates and/or Bikram yoga. I'm never one of those people.
The early-morning situation is so dire that Rams fans already are receiving prayers from other fans.
Of course, the people who really need prayers are the Rams players because their body clocks are going to feel like they just got hit in the face with a jackhammer.
I traveled from California to London once and my body didn't recover for about nine weeks. That being said, the time change probably won't be as big of an issue for the Rams because I'm sure they have better diet and sleeping habits than I do. They can also afford to do things like research every player's circadian rhythm. I didn't have that luxury.
Whatever the Rams are doing, it seems to be working because no one looks sleepy in the video below.
Anyway, I'll stop rambling now and actually talk about the game.
The Rams defensive line is going to eat Eli Manning alive -- not literally, like Silence of the Lambs, but NFL Network might want to rate this game TV-MA just to be safe.
I'm not sure how the Rams are going to score, but I'm going to pick them anyway. Since this is two .500 teams, and Jeff Fisher is the ultimate .500 coach, it only makes sense to go with the Rams.
The pick: Rams 20-17 over Giants.
Minnesota (5-0) at Philadelphia (3-2), 1 p.m. ET (Fox): I would call this the Sam Bradford Revenge Game, but I don't think Bradford knows what revenge is because he's too nice of a guy. Also, he probably doesn't even want revenge. I mean, if someone gave you $11 million to do nothing as the Philadelphia Eagles did with Bradford this past offseason, you probably wouldn't want revenge, either. So I guess we can just go ahead and throw the whole revenge angle out the window.
At this point, if Bradford wants revenge on anyone, it's probably Fox, because it decided to photoshop his head onto Teddy Bridgewater 's body for a promo that ran Sunday, and let's just say Sam Bradford 's head doesn't look good on Teddy Bridgewater's body.
This looks like Sam Bradford's head photoshopped onto Teddy Bridgewater's body... pic.twitter.com/5EFOp2xg0P— Will Brinson (@WillBrinson) October 16, 2016
The good news here is that there shouldn't be any issues with Bradford-related pictures during the Eagles game because the Minnesota Vikings have offered to help Fox out.
The only thing worse than the Fox photoshop job is the way the Eagles have been playing lately, and a lot of that blame can be steered toward Bradford's replacement in Philly: Carson Wentz .
Usually it takes about 12 weeks before a first-year player hits the rookie wall, but don't tell Wentz, because I'm pretty sure he hit it after Week 3. Speaking of walls, Wentz is going to hit another wall this week: The metaphorical wall that is the Vikings defense.
Minnesota is giving up a league-low 12.6 points per game. I would predict that the Eagles are going to score 12.6 points exactly, but I don't think that's mathematically possible.
The pick: Vikings 27-13 over Eagles
Indianapolis (2-4) at Tennessee (3-3), 1 p.m. ET (CBS): I can't remember the last time the Tennessee Titans played in a somewhat important game this late in the season. Sure, it's only Week 7, and this game's not actually that important, but this counts as important to the Titans because they could be tied for first in the AFC South when the week is over.
Seriously, the Titans could be in first place. It's almost not even believable.
If Tennessee wins Sunday and the Houston Texans lose to the Denver Broncos on Monday, then the NFL season will have gone officially bonkers because the Titans will be in first.
Of course, no one can quite predict bonkers like I can, which is why I picked the Titans to win the AFC South before the season started.
@Granteichmann_ It looks like me, you and Mike Mularkey are the only ones picking the Titans. I'm all in on the exotic smash mouth offense— John Breech (@johnbreech) September 8, 2016
I have no faith in Mike Mularkey as a coach, but the Titans have so much talent I think they might be able to overcome it. As for this game, I'll take the team that didn't blow a giant lead to Brock Osweiler on Sunday night.
Also, Indianapolis Colts general manager Ryan Grigson already has admitted that the Colts have no defense because they spent all their money on Andrew Luck . I've never been an NFL GM, but I feel like that's not how you want to build a successful team, and I also feel like that's not something you should admit in public.
Anyway, I'm going to completely ignore the fact the Titans have never beaten the Colts during the Luck Era (0-8) and pick Tennessee.
The pick: Titans 27-24 over Colts.
Houston (4-2) at Denver (4-2), 8:30 p.m. ET Mon. (ESPN): If I know John Elway like I know John Elway, he circled this game on his calendar when the schedule came out in April, and then he burned that calendar because it made him think of Brock Osweiler. I can't prove it, but I'm pretty sure Elway burns everything that makes him think of Osweiler.
Someone could probably make a Backdraft sequel that involves Elway burning things in the Broncos locker room that used to belong to Osweiler.
If you've watched Osweiler play this season, the first thing you probably wondered is how he has a job in the NFL. The second thing you probably wondered is why would anyone ever have given him a $72 million contract. And the third thing you probably wondered is how have the Texans won four games with him as their quarterback.
The answer to those questions are I don't know, I don't know and I don't know. One thing I do know is that it's going to be nearly impossible for Osweiler and the Texans' offense to move the ball against the Broncos.
How do the Texans keep gettin prime time games?! I hope the Broncos beat them 95-6— Tragic Johnson (@2Peas_InAShad) October 18, 2016
I thought about going with that guy's score prediction, but clearly, I'm not feeling as optimistic as he is about the Broncos' ability to score.
The pick: Broncos 30-17 over Texans.
Game I was really excited about, but now I'm not
New England (5-1) at Pittsburgh (4-2), 4:25 p.m. ET (CBS): I'll be honest, before I heard about Ben Roethlisberger 's knee injury, I was going to pick the Pittsburgh Steelers to win, but now I'm not, and that's because Landry Jones likely will be their starting quarterback and I've never picked him to win a game in my life, and I'm not going to start now.
You know things are going horribly when fans start tweeting to their favorite team and asking them not to start a certain guy, which is what has been happening with the Steelers.
@steelers for the love of god please start anybody but Landry jones against the patriots— Andrew 🐝🐝 (@a_4aker) October 17, 2016
I'm not sure if Jones is on social media, but if he is, he should probably just plan to stay offline until Big Ben returns.
So Landry jones starting against the patriots... that's a loss— steelers 14-2🇬🇺 (@dhcrummie_) October 17, 2016
no way landry jones is beating the patriots.— STEELERS (4-2) (@LQ300_) October 17, 2016
Please do not let Landry Jones be the starter...— Kyle Dawson (@RealKyleDawson) October 17, 2016
Anyway, if Mike Tomlin takes advice from Twitter and decides not to start Jones, that doesn't change anything. I'm still picking the Steelers to lose, unless of course Antonio Brown figures out how to play quarterback by Sunday, then I might pick Pittsburgh.
The pick: New England Patriots 34-17 over Steelers.
NFL Week 7 picks: All the rest
Green Bay Packers 23-20 over Chicago Bears
Kansas City Chiefs 34-31 over New Orleans Saints
Lions 30-27 over Redskins
Raiders 33-30 over Jacksonville Jaguars
Buffalo Bills 24-17 over Miami Dolphins
Bengals 30-20 over Cleveland Browns
New York Jets 20-17 over Ravens
San Francisco 49ers 24-23 over Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Atlanta Falcons 38-31 over San Diego Chargers
Seattle Seahawks 23-20 over Arizona Cardinals
Bye weeks: Dallas Cowboys , Carolina Panthers
Best pick: Last week, my Chargers and Cowboys picks were so good that someone on the internet actually complimented me. Now, that might not sound like a big deal, but trust me, it is, because no one ever compliments anyone for anything on the internet.
I've been on Twitter since 2008, and I'm pretty sure this is only the second compliment I've ever received, which gives me a rough average of one compliment every four years. It's like the compliment Olympics.
@johnbreech Nice job on your Chargers and Cowboys selections this past weekend.— Max DeFilippis (@maxflipper) October 17, 2016
I already knew it was a nice job, but it's nice to hear someone else say it.
I'll definitely be printing that tweet out and mailing it to my mom so she can put it in the scrapbook of weird things I've sent her since I moved out of her basement last month. That's right, it's not a stereotype, pretty much everyone who has ever written on internet has lived in their mom's basement at some point.
Wish Trump had said his 2005 rant was "mom's basement talk" so I could write a thinkpiece about what ACTUALLY is said in mothers' basements.— Craig Calcaterra (@craigcalcaterra) October 11, 2016
I had that same thinkpiece ready.
Worst pick: I didn't used to believe in curses, but I do now because there's no other way to explain the Eagles' two-game skid. Two weeks ago, Carson Wentz went on a deer hunt, and the Eagles haven't won a game since. Let's not pretend like that's a coincidence, because it's not.
@johnbreech I hope the spirit of that deer doesn't come to haunt PHI this week!— olga bicos (@olgabicos) October 5, 2016
I picked the Eagles to beat the Redskins and the Lions the past two weeks, which is embarrassing because I clearly didn't take into account the spirit of the deer coming back to haunt Wentz. I'm not sure how I missed it, either. The deer's eyes are practically screaming, "I'm going to curse the Eagles. They're never going to win again."
Based on what I've heard, the only way to break the curse is if every Eagles fan gets a giant Carson Wentz face painted on their body.
That looks like it might take some serious time to get painted onto every fan, so you might want to start on that soon, Eagles fans.
Straight-up in Week 6: 10-5
SU Overall: 51-41
Against the spread in Week 6: 6-7-2
ATS overall: 39-49-4
Exact score predictions: 1
You can find John Breech on Facebook or Twitter and if he's not doing one of those things, he's probably getting a giant Carson Wentz face painted on his chest because he doesn't want to be haunted by the spirit of any deer.
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