With another Monday on our hands, you know what time it is....time to Sports The Thrones. Welcome back to the place in which we take the latest "Game of Thrones" episode and turn it into sports, because everything is sports if you put your mind to it.
Last week we had the pleasure of breaking down all the athleticism featured during The Great War, which apparently featured a cameo from the Los Angeles Chargers' Joey Bosa. Don't feel too bad if you missed the special guest because even Bosa himself struggled to make the identification.
Joey Bosa thinks he found his cameo on #GameofThrones thanks to his "big nose" 😂
— Sports Illustrated (@SInow) May 2, 2019
(via @jbbigbear) pic.twitter.com/p6lVG1XjmX
But things slowed down a bit this week in the aftermath of the dead vs. living, and the show largely made a return to what it does best -- getting the characters who are still alive to conspire and betray one another in pretty cutthroat fashion.
That's not to say there weren't standout highlights and athletes on this latest episode, but it seems fair to acknowledge that this week's installment primarily served as a bridge to the war for King's Landing. That war is pretty much here, by the way.
But without further ado, here's who helped sports the Thrones this week.
**SPOILERS AHEAD**
5. The Postgame Celebration
Obviously the big story last week was the living winning their championship against the dead with Arya hitting the game-winner at the buzzer. (It's worth noting that Arya not only killed the Night King, but she also killed that "no sex before the big game" theory once and for all). It was a costly victory but a victory nonetheless, and there's no other way to celebrate a championship win than with an extremely raucous postgame celebration with the squad. Plenty of booze and sex to go around for the winners. To nobody's surprise, Tormund was once again the celebration MVP.
You wanna know who certainly was not the celebration MVP? Whoever left a Starbucks cup in one of the shots. Now we're forced to wonder whether Winterfell is being gentrified under our very noses. At least make it a Gatorade cup so it's more sports, you jerks.
4. Tyrion abandons ship
During Euron's ambush on the seas, Tyrion found himself in the unenviable position of having to dodge gigantic flying arrows (although, as a dwarf, he was in a better position than most other people on his ship). A Tyrion action sequence is a rarity in Thrones, so watching him run around on the deck and then abandon ship was like watching a position player come in to pitch. It wasn't the prettiest or most graceful thing in the world, but it was still a delight.
Plus, it inspired the best tweet of the night.
Nirvana - Nevermind (1991) pic.twitter.com/9fHc6kOMl9
— Ria (@BarstoolRia) May 6, 2019
3. Jaime abandons 'ship
Getting out of a relationship is basically a sport, and Jaime Lannister sure delivered some sort of performance on Sunday night. Not only did he finally bed Ser Brienne of Tarth, but he also immediately dipped out of that relationship at the first opening -- and with lethal efficiency. There are big league "hit it and quit it" situations, and then there's promising your lover you'll stay with her at Winterfell only to slip out in the middle of the night, saddle up and return to your psychotic, murderous twin sister who also happens to also be your lover. That's one for the record books.
The jury's still out on what Jaime's intentions are with a return to King's Landing, but his parting words to Brienne left her in tears and that was rather upsetting to watch. Then again, it's somewhat hard to feel bad for Brienne considering she drunkenly gave up her virginity to a guy with one-hand who sleeps with his sister. And she somehow expected to live happily ever after in a stable relationship? Seems like a bad gameplan.
2. The swing
Listen, the circumstances of Missandei's fall (literally) were brutal and horrific but you can't argue that Zombie Mountain has a pretty sweet stroke. Shades of Griffey, if you ask me. The results speak for themselves.
1. Dragon down
No offense to Missandei but the most notable death on Sunday was one of Dany's two remaining dragons being taken down so swiftly during the trip to King's Landing that some wondered if it was a dream sequence. But no, it was Euron's ambush that brought down Rhaegal with some tremendous strikes through the air.
We already knew Euron is a pretty solid fighter by land and by sea, but now we know he can do some damage in the sky as well. He was tossing darts with his super arrow launcher and successfully dropped one of Dany's "children" with three quick hits. It wasn't quite as impressive an athletic achievement as the late Night King's javelin throw that took down the other dragon but it was still pretty commendable, if not totally bewildering considering we were led to believe that these dragons are basically indestructible in the air.
I, for one, applaud Euron's accomplishment because I've been experiencing significant GoT dragon fatigue over the past couple of seasons. Plus, Dany is increasingly trending toward Mad Queen status and it's probably a good thing that she now has half as many dragons at her disposal.
Overall, it was a pretty bad day to be a Thrones pet. Not only did Dany lose a dragon, but Jon also straight-up ghosted Ghost as he departed Winterfell. Pet your damn direwolf goodbye, you monster! Look how sad he is!
Maybe the most ruthless betrayal this show has ever seen.
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Designated for assignment: Missandei, Rhaegal
