I think my favorite part of all the NFL action over the weekend is that I'm pretty sure we have officially found someone who throws a football worse than Nathan Peterman and that someone is Conor McGregor.
First, let me just say that I never thought we would find someone who's worse than Peterman at throwing a football. That guy is an interception machine. However, as bad as he is, he's definitely not McGregor bad, which is a new level of bad that I never even knew existed.
McGregor looks like he's trying to shot-put a pineapple, and based on his arm motion, I'm 90 percent sure he learned to throw by watching film of Tim Tebow. Although McGregor had the ugliest throw of the weekend, it wasn't the worst one. That honor belongs to the Patriots fan who decided to throw a beer at Tyreek Hill.
When I saw that happen, my first thought was WHY WOULD ANYONE WASTE A BEER AT AN NFL GAME. Beers at an NFL stadium cost roughly 900 percent more than they do in real life, which means that guy basically wasted $15 of beer, and if you ask me, that's the true travesty in this situation. It seems the moral of the story here is don't waste beer because you shouldn't waste beer, but also don't waste beer because you might get charged with multiple crimes.
Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder if McGregor can throw a beer, because obviously, we know he can't throw a football. On the other hand, tou know who can throw a football though (to my TOTAL surprise): BROCK OSWEILER.
I have no idea how Brock Osweiler beat the Bears, but he did and for some reason, that's the only team he can beat with any regularity. Osweiler is now 3-0 against the Bears, but just 11-12 against everyone else. I don't know if Osweiler read the "Berenstain Bears" as a kid, watched the Bad News Bears or likes to eat gummy bears, but whatever it is, that guy is not intimidated by Bears.
Alright, it's time to bear down and get to my picks.
Actually, before we get to my picks, here's a quick reminder that you can check out the weekly picks from every CBSSports.com NFL expert by clicking here. The reason you should click over and check out the other experts this week is because Pete Prisco was basically printing money at his house in Week 6 with his picks. Well, if anyone from the Secret Service or U.S. Treasury is reading, I should clarify that Prisco is not actually printing money at his house. As a matter of fact, I'm not even sure if he knows how a printer works. Anyway, I think the point I'm trying to make is that Prisco basically blew away everyone in the country with his picks this week. According to our friends at Pickwatch, Prisco's record of 13-2 was the best record out of the 117 media members they kept track of for Week 6.
Prisco also went 10-5 with his picks against the spread, which put me to shame.
So which teams should you back in Week 7 of the NFL season? And which Super Bowl contender goes down hard? Visit SportsLine now to see which teams are winning more than 50 percent of simulations, all from the model that has outperformed 98 percent of experts tracked by NFLPickWatch.com the past two seasons.
Alright, let's get to the picks.
NFL Week 7 Picks
Denver (2-4) at Arizona (1-5)
8:20 p.m. ET, Thursday (FOX/NFL Network/Amazon)
This game has the chance to go down as the worst Thursday night game of all-time and that's mainly because no one wants to sit down for three hours to watch two teams that have combined for three total wins on the season. If the NFL wants to spice up this game, I have an idea: The losing coach gets fired.
Now, that might sound crazy, but trust me, it's not. For one, I think both coaches already think that's going to happen anyway. I mean, it sounds like Steve Wilks is basically ready to sign his own pink slip if the Cards lose.
I would say the Cardinals are the easy pick here because Wilks is going to inspire them with a "please win this game so I don't get fired" speech, but I'm not so sure that's going to work, and that's mostly because there's a 90 percent chance that Vance Joseph is going to be giving the same speech in the Broncos locker room.
Honestly, it's starting to seem like John Elway and Cardinals general manager Steve Keim might have secretly agreed to turn this thing into a "loser gets fired" game without actually telling anyone.
Now, having a coach get fired for losing does sound brutal, but let me just say that if the NFL doesn't use this idea now, Vince McMahon is going to use it in the XFL and probably make $11 billion off of it, then use that $11 billion to buy the NFL and implement the rule anyway, so really, the NFL is just pushing off the inevitable if they don't start using the rule now.
One thing I will say about this game is that it definitely has the potential to be so bad it's good. The Cardinals and Broncos have the two worst run defenses in the NFL, which means we could see roughly 900 yards of rushing on Thursday. As a matter of fact, the run defenses for these two teams are so bad that there's literally no reason for either team to throw a pass. If David Johnson doesn't get 50 carries, the Cardinals should fire their entire offensive coaching staff and I think Larry Fitzgerald's dad would agree with me.
As a matter of fact, looking at that tweet, Larry Fitzgerald's dad might want this "loser gets fired" thing to happen more than I do.
One of the Cardinals coaches who's on the hot seat is offensive coordinator Mike McCoy. Arizona has been horrible on offense, but I'm going to cut McCoy some slack, because I think he basically ignored game planning for the first six weeks of the season so he could focus on Denver. It's a REVENGE GAME for him. McCoy was the Broncos offensive coordinator last season, but he.
I'm taking the Cardinals and I'm slightly frightened by that and that's mostly because I'm somehow 24-0 picking games involving NFC West teams this year and I'm putting it all on the line by taking a team that hasn't a won a game at home all season (0-3).
The pick: Cardinals 20-17 over Broncos
Minnesota (3-2-1) at N.Y. Jets (3-3)
1 p.m. ET (FOX)
This might be my new favorite rivalry in the NFL and that's all because of Kirk Cousins, who chose to play for the Vikings over the Jets this offseason. Although I don't know this for a fact, I'm pretty sure that made him the first person in the history of the world to choose to live in Minneapolis over New York City. The crazy thing about the Cousins situation is that he basically used the Jets as leverage to get a better deal with the Vikings. It was like watching the football version of a bad Lifetime movie, which is actually kind of ironic because Cousins made a documentary of his free agency that kind of looks like a bad Lifetime movie.
Based on that video, we now know that the Vikings originally offered Cousins a total of $75 million over three years and that number got bumped up to $84 million to make it more competitive with the Jets' $90 million offer. Cousins then, which means he decided he would rather lose out on $6 million than play for the Jets. I mean, as far as insults go, "I would rather lose out on $6 million than play for your team" is definitely in the top three. Think if a friend said, "I would rather lose out on $6 million than hang out with you." If that happened, that friend probably wouldn't be your friend anymore.
The good news for Cousins is that I don't even think Jets fans hate him for all of this and that's because the team ended up with a quarterback anyway, in the form of Sam Darnold, who is kind of like Cousins, but $54 million cheaper.
The irony in all of this is that the Jets defense might be Cousins' worst nightmare. Not only are they tied for second in the NFL with 10 interceptions, but they've also forced nine fumbles, which I'm only mentioning because Cousins fumbles more than anyone. Well, technically he ranks third in the NFL in fumbles, so I guess he doesn't fumble more than anyone, but he does fumble a lot.
Not only are the Jets going to be out to get Cousins, but I'm thinking they'll also be inspired by the return of defensive coordinator Kacy Rodgers, who missed the past 10 days with an undisclosed serious illness.
The pick: Jets 23-20 over Vikings
New Orleans (4-1) at Baltimore (4-2)
4:05 p.m. ET (FOX)
I don't know if Drew Brees believes in Voodoo dolls, but I'm assuming he does, because he lives in New Orleans, and I'm also assuming that someone has a Voodoo doll of him that they only use whenever he's playing the Ravens. In his 18-year career, there is only one team that Brees hasn't beaten and that team is the Ravens. To put that in perspective: The Houston Texans didn't even exist when Brees' career began in 2001, but he has a win over them. Brees also has a win over the Saints even though he's played for them for the past 12 years.
Somehow, the Ravens are the one and only team that Brees hasn't been able to beat. I can't cook anything more complicated than a pop tart, Zoolander can't turn left and Brees can't beat the Ravens. These problems aren't fixable, you just have to live with them.
Brees also has the worst luck. Of all the years he could be trying to end his streak, this is not the year to do it. The Ravens arguably have their best defense since 2000, they're only giving up 12.8 points per game and NO ONE has scored a second-half touchdown on them all season. The only thing that could stop the Ravens defense at this point is if authorities in Tennessee decide to arrest them for what they did to Marcus Mariota on Sunday, because I'm pretty sure that was illegal. I don't think Brees is going to get sacked 11 times, but I do think he's going to struggle, unless he somehow figures out who has his Voodoo doll.
The pick: Ravens 22-19 over Saints
Dallas (3-3) at Washington (3-2)
4:25 p.m. ET (CBS)
The first thing I should probably point out here is that, yes, this game is on CBS (Jim Nantz and Tony Romo will be on the call). Although these two teams would normally play on Fox, this game has been cross-flexed, which is a cool word the NFL uses when it decides to switch a game from one network to another. It could probably also be a cool word we all use if someone were ever to combine a crossbow with a Bowflex, but I won't hold my breath on that happening.
Anyway, this game got me thinking about how I sometimes like to imagine how each NFL team would do if it were run by its fans. I have no life, which is why I have time to imagine these things. The reason I'm bringing that up is because I'm convinced the Cowboys would go through more head coaches and starting quarterbacks than any other team if fans were running the team. One thing I know for sure is that Jason Garrett wouldn't have a job.
Fire Jason Garrett. What a joke.— Ian Scheuring (@IanScheuring) October 8, 2018
I'm also pretty sure that Dak Prescott would have been benched by now.
And yes, that's a petition calling for Jerry Jones to bench Prescott and re-sign Romo. For some reason, I'm mildly convinced that if Jerry sees this petition, he might jump in the CBS booth on Sunday and try and convince Romo to make one more run. Of course, if you're going to bench Dak, this would not be the week you want to do it.
If Prescott has been unstoppable against one team in his career, it's the Redskins. In four games, Prescott has gone 4-0. A big reason the Cowboys have been so successful against the Redskins is because Prescott plays mistake free football against them and then Ezekiel Elliott runs wild. Against the Jaguars, the Cowboys added a new wrinkle by also letting Prescott run wild. That's a lot of people running wild and I'm not sure the Redskins are going to be able to stop it.
The pick: Cowboys 26-23 over Redskins
NFL Week 7 picks: All the rest
Chargers 30-13 over Titans
Patriots 27-17 over Bears
Jaguars 19-16 over Texans
Rams 34-20 over 49ers
Best pick: Last week, I Bruce Irvin is going to be a father in nine months.would score 27 points and beat the Raiders in London and then the Seahawks went out and scored 27 points and beat the Raiders in London. Normally, this is the part where I pat myself on the back for my pick, but I'm not going to do that here, because I think we all knew this was going to happen. I mean, the Raiders can barely even win games in America, so there was no reason to think that they could possibly win a game on a different continent. The only upside of this loss for the Raiders is that there now seems to be a 98 percent chance that
If he Irvin needs any tips, you know who's real good at making babies? Prince Harry.
Harry didn't waste any time there. Hopefully Irvin was able to score a few baby-making tips before he left England on Sunday.
Worst pick: Last week, I convinced myself that Odell Beckham showing up to an ESPN interview with Lil Wayne was normal and that the Giants would somehow use that interview as inspiration to beat the Eagles. Well, let me just tell you that I've never been more wrong about anything in my life, except maybe that time when I said cell phones would just be a fad. For some reason, I think they're now going to stick.
Straight up in Week 6: 9-6
SU overall: 60-31-2
Against the spread in Week 6: 5-10
ATS overall: 42-48-3
Exact score predictions: 2