If Peyton Manning quit football so that he could become a full-time comedian, then it looks like the gamble has already paid off.
The reigning Super Bowl winner took the stage about halfway through the show and proceeded to torch everyone. If you've never watched a Comedy Central roast, I'm sorry to hear that, but here's what happens: The roasters make fun of everyone on stage before actually making fun of the person their roasting, so that's what Manning did, starting with David Spade, who was hosting the show.
"For your first roast, this has got to be really exciting for you. Your performance so far reminds me of my rookie year in the NFL when I threw a league-high 28 interceptions and had absolutely no clue what I was doing," Manning told Spade.
The former NFL quarterback followed that up with a joke about Jeff Ross, a comedian who's basically only famous because he shows up on every Comedy Central roast.
Manning also roasted Ann Coulter, who decided to leave her conservative bubble and hang out with a mostly liberal crowd that showed up for the roast. Coulter, who mostly bombed during her time on stage, was actually roasted more than Lowe on the night.
Here's what Manning had to say about the conservative pundit.
"Wow. I just realized that I am not the only athlete up here tonight. As you all know, earlier this year, Ann Coulter won the Kentucky Derby. Congrats on that, Ann. Great job," Manning said.
Manning also got in a great joke at the expense of "Saturday Night Live" star Pete Davidson.
"I just met this guy Pete Davidson backstage before the show. Great guy. He asked to take a picture with me, and I didn't even realize he was one of the comedians. I told him: 'Don't give up, kid. Whatever disease you have, you can beat it.'"
Manning also made a joke about Ralph Macchio. Here's what he had to say about the Karate Kid.
"I am a big fan, Ralph. The Outsiders, My Cousin Vinnie, The Karate Kid. Remember Mr. Miyagi taught you that crane kick? Gosh, was that awesome. It was even more awesome seeing you do it backstage to a vending machine that ate your dollar," Manning said.
Oh, and the Jacksonville Jaguars? They also got roasted by Manning.
"I gotta tell ya. I have no idea who the rest of you guys up here are. I mean, I've been sitting up here tonight with all these folks that no one's ever heard of, thinking to myself, 'Did I just get traded to the Jacksonville Jaguars?'"
Of course if you're a roaster, that means you're also going to get roasted and everyone definitely made at least one joke about Manning on the night.
The jokes about Peyton basically came in one of three forms: The roasters either made fun of his family, his forehead or they casually mentioned that he's not going to remember anything about his football career due to the concussions he may or may not have suffered while playing in the NFL.
"Peyton Manning is here physically. I'll never forget Peyton's career. Sadly, he will," Spade said.
Manning's forehead was also a hot topic of conversation.
"Peyton looks like if football players evolved to no longer need helmets," Davidson said. "No, seriously, Peyton, I love all of your work. Especially when I saw you in The Goonies yelling, 'HEY, YOU GUYS!'"
Comedian Rob Riggle probably had the best joke about Manning's forehead.
"Well, well, well. Old No. 18, Peyton Manning. Peyton, as you know, is from New Orleans, but you might not know this, though: After Katrina, he helped displaced families by letting them stand on his forehead for two days. A real New Orleans Saint! Room for everyone, folks," Riggle said.
Jewel and British comedian Jimmy Carr both made jokes about Manning's family.
"And Peyton Manning is here because Eli is still out there making his dad proud," Jewel said.
"Peyton Manning is here. Obviously I don't know much about American football, but I'm told Peyton Manning is one of the top-3 quarterbacks... in his family," Carr said.
The best joke probably came from Nikki Glaser, who burned Manning with a Tom Brady joke.
"I don't know much about football, but I love Peyton in commercials," Glaser said. "You're so good at them. Like legitimately. I'd say you're the greatest of all-time. I'd say, like -- you're like the Tom Brady of being in commercials! You know, like, the greatest. Like, he's the greatest, right?"
Manning also worked in his own Brady joke while he was roasting Lowe. You can see the video of that below.
(Wink of the CBS Eye to the Colts official website)