Welcome to the MLB Star Power Index -- a weekly undertaking that determines with awful authority which players are dominating the current zeitgeist of the sport, at least according to the narrow perceptions of this miserable scribe. While one's presence on this list is often celebratory in nature, it can also be for purposes of lamentation or ridicule. The players listed are in no particular order, just like the phone book. To this week's honorees ...
The two players above, whose names shall be revealed shortly, are All-Stars. That's fitting because in this edition of SPI we're going to focus on the All-Star Game, which is an annual forced, half-hearted gathering of MLB's best players, all of whom would prefer not to be there.
In the general spirit of that -- i.e., taking inventory of one's responsibilities, identifying the bare minimum required, and then doing less than that -- we're here to mark the occasion of the forthcoming All-Star Game by listing the American League and National League All-Star rosters. But wait: There's more (barely). Rather than wallow in the mundane by reciting each player's name, we're going to recite a chosen anagram of each player's name. For the uninitiated, an anagram descends from the firmament when you take the letters of one word or set of words and with those letters create an entirely different word or set of words. For example, an anagram of the word "hits" could be ... "this."
If you're interested in the actual All-Star rosters, then you should click on this internet hotlink. If, however, you're interested in the All-Star rosters in anagram form -- and you absolutely are not -- then turn the steering wheel of your desktop mobile device to scroll down this electric piece of paper right here.
American League Starters
C: Dank La Joker I, Blue Jays
1B: Mr. Irregular Jive Rod, Blue Jays
2B: USA Love Jet, Astros
3B: Rev. Free Salad, Red Sox
SS: Train Demons, White Sox
OF: Ed Guano Jar, Yankees; Kite Tumor, Angels; Long Croatian Ants, Yankees
DH: Oh! Ah! Hit Noise!, Angels
National League Starters
C: Ron -- A Larcenist's Owl, Cubs
1B: Godchild La Stump, Cardinals
2B: Jazz Chisholm, Marlins* (*There is no justifiable reason to propose an alternative to the name "Jazz Chisholm")
3B: Handyman Coma, Padres
SS: Run, Tree Rat!, Dodgers
OF: Corn Jar Landau, Braves; Bike Mottoes, Dodgers; Condor Jeeps, Giants
DH: Crap Berry, Eh?, Phillies
American League reserves
C: Vin Oreo Jets, Yankees
IF: A Rural Size, Twins; Aberrant Sex God, Red Sox; Zero Jam Rise, Guardians; Garden-Size Men, Guardians
OF: Roger's Green Pig, Blue Jays; Robot Bunny X, Twins; Interned Bean Wind, Royals; Ye Elk Truck, Astros; Lurid, Oozier Jug, Mariners
DH: Randy Zero Lava, Astros
Legacy: A Malice Burger, Tigers
Nationals League reserves
C: Rad Avian Turds, Braves
IF: A Neon Land Oar, Cardinals; El Teaspoon, Mets; Cliff, Jen, Me, Mets; C.C. Jr.? No, Rockies; Sonny Bad Swans, Braves
OF: Beryl Whackers, Phillies; Us, Too, Jan, Nationals; Maternal Grits, Mets; Papa Hin, Cubs
DH: Iceman A. Wrist Roll, Braves
Legacy: Burlap Jostle, Cardinals
American League pitchers
- A Canal's Henchman, Rays
- Rooster Scent, Yankees
- Koala Man, Eh?, Blue Jays
- Zed Barf Marvel, Astros
- Re: Armpit Zen, Rangers
- A Punk Bull Crab, Athletics
- Rev. Strudel Ninja, Astros
- Log Reciter, Yankees
- Ooh, Haiti Hens!, Angels
- Ham Closely, Yankees
- Uncle Lee's Mama, Guardians
- Ogre Got Rosy, Tigers
- Jeez Prolog, Orioles
National League pitchers
- The Wonky Rascal, Dodgers
- Canasta Lanyard, Marlins
- Broncs Brunei, Brewers
- St. Lilac Soul I, Reds
- Arm Fixed, Braves
- Go Into Nylons, Dodgers
- Rev. Moose Jug, Padres
- A Dined Wiz, Mets
- Hades J'Rho, Brewers
- Rally Sheeny, Cardinals
- Brad Invaded, Pirates
- Palimony Jet, Diamondbacks
Whatever this has been, it is now over.
